It's the most wonderful time...

No, not really. Not when I'm forced to listen to the same ten songs over and over all day long. If my count was correct, today I heard the "immortal" Andy Williams 8 times. Two different songs, true, but I can't stand either one of them. Here's a line for you from Happy Holidays/It's the Holiday Season "It's the Holiday Season, so whoop-de-doo, and dickory dock." Nothing says Christmas like whoop-de-doo, right?

Anyway, I made it through the day with no small amount of mumbling and grumbling and now I am home in the "no cheesy Christmas music zone." Hearing these same songs all day made me wonder about some of the lyrics. Maybe someone could explain some of them to me.

More Andy Williams - It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: "There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long long ago!" Now I for one have never ever told or heard a ghost story on Christmas. Is this now, or has it ever been a tradition? And while we're at it, how often have you told tales of Christmas glory? Just wondering.

Bing Crosby/ Johnny Mathis - It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: "Take a look in the 5 and 10, glistening once again." I'm thinking this song needs an update. I do realize that when it was written, everyone knew what a 5 and 10 was. Now? Not so much.

Any number of fine artists - Winter Wonderland: "In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say are you married we'll say no man, but you can do the job when you're in town." Another song that could use a modern update. If you don't know what a Parson is, you might think that Parson Brown is a guy's name and he's gonna "do the job" of a husband on the girl doing the singing. A bit of a stretch, but still.

Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree: "Everyone dancing merrily in a new old-fashioned way. Does she mean that it's an old-fashioned way but with a new twist? Is it going to be old-fashioned at some point, although it is currently new? Was she just going for some ambiguity along the lines of "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Or, was she just going for something that sounded nice. Did she realize that she didn't even write this dumb song, and that it was a guy named Johnny Marks? I think she probably did. Did I realize this when I started typing, or did I just look it up on Google? Ehhhh... Could be.

And finally, Aaron Neville - Whatever Christmas song the lame radio station we had on today played. I plugged my ears. Does anyone out there actually like Aaron's... ummm... whatayacallem... stylings? You know, that part when his voice twinkles up and down like a pre-pubescent teenager. Yeah, that. Yesterday, a family member told me that he found someone who said she loves Aaron Neville, but I think he made it up. Aaron Neville's mother has told him that he shouldn't sing when he comes over because it upsets her cats. They prefer to listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks.

What could be better than Christmas songs AND Aaron Neville? Let's see... getting a tooth pulled, having a needle stuck in your neck, the Yankees winning the.... umm no. Scratch that last one.

Hope you're "Simply having a Wonderful Christmastime"

Love,

Mr. Snarky 

A Christmas Story?

A smiling mother plays Guitar Hero while her husband and son anxiously watch. The screen shows "Mom's Gift" as the song title. Slowly, recognition dawns on mom's face as she begins to recognize the song as the Lexus commercial jingle. "Does that mean what I think it means?" she asks. The excitement builds as they rush out to the driveway to see her shiny new Lexus with a bright red bow on top. They begin living happily ever after as the announcer tells us how we can all make it a December to remember... by buying our loved one a car for Christmas.

WHAT A CROCK OF HORSESHIT!

Seriously. Do you know anyone who can afford to spend 30 or 40 grand on a Christmas present? I personally know 1 or 2, but I'm pretty darned sure that they won't. What the hell is up with these commercials? To me, it seems like they want those of us who buy our wives a new robe or even a nice necklace to feel lousy that we can't afford to lavish extreme gifts upon our loved ones. This commercial makes the ones for 4000 dollar diamond rings seem cheap... and I can't afford one of those right now either. What a loser I must be.

AND THAT'S ANOTHER CROCK OF HORSESHIT!!

Sunday night, when Mrs. Snarky came home from her mother's (a trip she allowed me to skip since it was on my only day off of work and I was feeling pretty tired... thanks honey) I told her that after having watched football games, and the commercials that go along with them, that I'd been convinced that if I really truly loved her, I'd buy her diamonds for Christmas and if she loved me, she'd get me a Lexus. Well, you know what that is?

ANOTHER BIG FAT CROCK OF HORSESHIT!!!

No more swearing. Sorry. Seriously though, I am sick and tired of TV and radio trying to make us all into consuming monsters. Gotta have the I-phone... no wait, there's a new droid out that's better. Oh yeah? Well I-phone 17 is out and it's WAY better than I-phone 16 which is "SO thirty seconds ago!" That phone runs at 17 thousand G , whatever the hell that means. And you gotta have a TV big enough that if you keep your curtains open during Wheel of Fortune, the neighbor sitting on her front porch across the street can solve the Bonus Round puzzle. Well you know what that is?

That's right. It is. And this year, I don't even care that my neighbor has a bigger TV and a nicer house and car and better stuff than I do. Want to know why? I'll tell you. Because I have the coolest, snarkiest, funniest, nicest, best family in the whole world.

I WIN!!

Lots of Christmas love! God Bless us every one!

Mr. Snarky

Feliz Navidad...

   
... Feliz Navidad. Feliz Navidad. Prospero ano y Felicidad. (Repeat)
I Wanna wish you a Merry Christmas. I Wanna wish you a Merry Christmas. I Wanna wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart. Feliz Navidad.....

PUKE!

The phrase "Feliz Navidad" is repeated 18 times in this "classic." 18! Approximately 400 radio stations play nothing but Christmas music from 2 to 3 weeks before Thanksgiving until December 26th. Let's say for argument's sake, on average, these stations play this song every 2 hours. That equals 216,000 Feliz Navidads over the course of the elongated holiday season. Last year, I'm pretty sure I heard him say it 50,000 times myself. Today, I heard it on a commercial, and yesterday, some lady was singing it when she pulled into the drive through at the pharmacy. I just have one thing to say. Jose, if you really wanna wish us a Merry Christmas, will you just do it already and stop singing about it?

Sorry no posts lately. I am just so into the holiday spirit that it has overwhelmed me. I'll do better next week. Promise. LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE,
Mr. Snarky

A Snarky Christmas

     With all that our daughter is going through right now I feel bad for being a Christmas FREAK!   As you have probably ascertained, this is Mrs. Snarky, not Mr. Ba-humbug Snarky.

I've been pondering today a way to help her not hate Christmas this year.  I could call her up and sing a song to her every morning before she heads to work, but I'm fairly sure she'd get sick of  "Jingle Bells" pretty fast if I do that.  I could remind her constantly that this is a season of celebration, of loving one another and being kind to each other.... however, I am also sure that she will just laugh in my face over that one.

Then, I came up with this GREAT idea.  Well, I didn't come up with it... I borrowed it from the family of our daughter's best friend.  Every day this month, I could give her a small gift.  A candle, a candybar, a card, a handwritten note, a scarf, a poem I've written for her.... you know, that kind of thing.  Nothing expensive or extravagant.... but something that would let her know that I am here, I love her, and here, have some stuff you probably don't need.

I kind of like that tradition a lot.  In fact, I wish my whole family did it.  I would love it if every day someone would put some thought into a little something to give me.  I would completely love to do that for someone else.  What a thoughtful and mindful way to think of the people you love.  I don't mean going out to buy them something, and making it a burden on yourself or something you dread doing.  Maybe one shopping trip, spend $20 on a few cute, fun or sweet items, spend an evening writing up some special "love" notes for them, maybe a list of all the things you like about that person.... and then randomly presenting them throughout the month.  I want a holiday do over!!!!  Why did my parents not teach me that when I was younger?

Oh yea, because my parents were busy just loving me, raising me, working, caring for my needs and trying to put together a special Christmas morning for myself and my siblings by making, creating, crafting and sewing things along with the store bought items to be laid under the tree on Christmas morning.

Oh.

Oh well.  That tradition kind of sucks anyway considering that the mother of the family left her husband for a high school sweetheart, their oldest daughter moved away and no longer talks to the family and the son is now in jail for all kinds of little crimes.

I'll stick with our family tradition of dancing around the tree on Christmas morning and wadding up the wrapping paper to have a paper throwing fight when the gifts are all opened.  That should keep our family together and strong in the years to come.

Excuse me, I have to hug my daughter and tell her I love her.

Merry Christmas! Mrs. Snarky

Why Most Boys SUCK ASS

Hearts are breaking as life goes on all around us. That just pisses me off!

We have an absolutely gorgeous, talented 19 year old daughter who of course thinks she's hideous. What is that? Why are women soooooooooooooo under the impression that they aren't worth a damn? And what is it with young men who use someone up and then dump them along the roadside when they don't "FEEL" for them (or anyone else for that matter) anymore?

Boys (other than my own sons and my husband and stepson of course) are the dumbest creatures in creation. "Who am I?" "Who do I want to be?" "How do you fit into my perfect little picture of a life?" "How long can I drag this out to make you doubt yourself and make you as miserable as you can be before I tell you to get lost?"

If I could fix things for her, I would. I'm her mom after all. She's my baby girl.

If I could, I'd make her dreams, all come true.

If I could, I'd make anyone pay who stomped on her heart.

If I could, I'd buy her a magic mirror that would show her exactly what she is.

If I could, I'd make sure that the only tears that fall from her eyes are due to joy.

If I could, I'd use vampire powers to compel her so that she could forget.

If I could, I'd put him on that Ghost Ship where all the people were cut in half by that wire that snapped... and the last thing he'd see is a glowing image of my daughter.

Or maybe, If I could, I'd hand him over to the psycho in "Saw" and tell the freak to make it a blunt, rusty one.

OR!!!!!!!! If I could, I'd tie him to the spot part of the asteroid fell to on "Deep Impact."

I can't do those things though. LAME!!!!

Eh, I probably wouldn't actually hurt the guy. I like him. I actually like him a lot. I think that's why I'm so shell shocked. I just don't LIKE him right now. I'm sure he's hanging with his friends, having a great time while she is sobbing and moving all of her stuff out of his house.

Maybe I could at least give him a horrendous wedgy that rides up to his throat.

This would be the only time the song "Love Hurts" by Nazareth would be appropriate. Did you know that the name of the man who wrote the song "Love Hurts" is BOUDLEAUX BRYANT????? What in the heckfire kind of name is that anyway??? Were you also aware that the band Nazareth is from Scotland and was formed in 1968? All true. Read it on Wikipedia. That was three years before I was born. Kind of freaks me out a bit.

"I've really learned a lot, really learned a lot. Love is like a flame, it burns you when it's hot. Love hurts. Ooooooooooooooo Love hurts."

Hopefully my daughter is instead listening to songs like "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood. Or "These Boots Are Made For Walkin" by Nancy Sinatra.

Maybe I could just procure some nettles and distribute them through all of his clothing. Or those really really tiny nasty stickers from a cactus that looks all soft and fluffy but is actually the plant from hell.

Well, there's nothing I can actually do at this point. But if you think of anything that might be of help, or a great torture device, let me know!

Mrs. Snarky

Dreaming of a fast Christmas

I don't hate Christmas. Honestly, I don't. But, for the next month, you can expect me to bitch about the parts of Christmas that I do hate. Here we are, the weekend after Thanksgiving, and I am already sick of all the damned commercials using the "Carol of the Bells" or "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" and changing the words to their liking. Every time I hear that shit I want to throw something at my TV.

For the first time ever, this year I went out on Black Friday... or rather, Thanksgiving night and into the beginning of Black Friday. It will likely be the last time ever. We showed up at Walmart (not my favorite place) at around 10:30, after being stuck on the interstate for close to an hour driving the final mile and a half to try to exit to all the amazing shopping in the area. It was a special time. When we got there, the place was a zoo. They were offering Blu-Ray players for 50 bucks starting at midnight. Around 25 or 30 people were standing around a pallet with their hands on the things just waiting for the clock to turn to 12, so these people were there for at least an hour and a half just holding their arms out there so they could hurry to the registers and get out with their prize. Of course, at 12:05, nobody was standing there anymore and there were still 25 or 30 of the players left. I guess they'd have had to wait in the line for an extra 15 minutes or so if they hadn't stood there so long. Makes sense.

Most Christmas songs make me feel a little ill. Lots of people love them. Not me. A little over 1/12 of your life is spent during the "Holiday Season." This means that I have to hear the same, tired, crappy songs 1/12 of the time. So far I've been lucky. My least favorite song, which I counted hearing 77 times one year, has not yet pierced my eardrums. But it's coming. It will be the subject of a later post, I promise.

Tonight we put up the tree and some lights, cleaned up some areas that truly needed attention, and had a decent night. This part of Christmas is just fine with me. Sprucing the place up, and spending time with family is nice. The external crap is what makes me hope that it gets over with, and does it quickly.

Wishing you and yours a very Happy and Speedy Holiday Season.

Mr. Snarky

How Blogging Gave Me A.D.H.D.

     I'm agitated.  I'm not gonna lie or sugar-coat it.  I opened my laptop after waking from a flu-induced nap in hopes that I would find some great and simple ideas for Christmas.  Now, I'm jittery, my shoulders hurt, I think my left eyeball is hanging out of it's socket and I want to stick a whole pack of smokes in my mouth and just light it up.

Oh, I found some ideas.  I typed  "Free Vintage Christmas Clip-art" in Google and selected this site:  Vintage Holiday Crafts.  This little guy caught my eye instantly:

Is he not just ADORABLE??!!!  I then did the polite and legal thing and read the terms of use.  WHY are the terms of use so freaking annoying?  Can I use the clip-art or not?  Will I be shot for putting it on one of my Christmas cards to send out to a friend?  What if I create my own cards to sell?  Well, that's fine as long as I don't go over 999 cards.  NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE????  Who has the freaking TIME for that crap???

Oh hey, I could really use an antiqued looking ticket stub to create a new "Grab my Button" button.  Google... antique ticket stub.  Scroll, scroll, GOT IT!  Graphics Fairy eh?  Okay, saved my ticket, browsing Graphics Fairy's site.  13,310 followers?  What the heck?  Guess I'd better delve in and see what all the hullabaloo is all about.  Wow.... great clip art.  Up to date blog.  Lots of extra links to follow.  Damnit, that one caught my eye.  No ugly ornaments challenge.

Ahhhhhh-mannnn.   She's posted a youtube video with her kids making crafts.  Well, I have to watch THAT. Some kind of paper Christmas ornament they found on Martha Stewart's site.  Did I just click that?  Crap.  10 pages up on Chrome, I've no idea where I started or WHY.

Martha is a goner.  Shut that puppy down after I read her instructions, which made NO FRIGGIN' SENSE AT ALL and went back to the ornament challenge page.  Oh lookie!  She's got a Pinterest link!  click.  Pinterest does NOT pop up.  Instead, I'm invited to take part in a linky that will boost my blog and pinterest accounts with new followers if I am selected because of my creativity and photo taking abilities by three ladies whose accounts I need to link up with and leave comments on before I'm taken seriously.  Seriously????

Argh.  I hit the back button.  Glare at the Pinterest button, and notice RIGHT below it, another button that says Pinterest Christmas Party!!!  Well, I HAVE to click on THAT one!  Pinterest doesn't pop up.  again.  I've been duped.  It's a tutorial on a braided scarf.  How did I get here???  Close that link down.

What in the heck was I trying to do???  My head is stuffed up, there is pressure behind my left eye, I'm scrunching my shoulders in danger of becoming a potato bug and folding in on myself.... and I've no clue what my original reason was for opening the damned laptop.  

Oh wait!  Check out that cool button!  Below it says:   "I have 15 fantastic guest bloggers ready to share some great projects and recipes with you over a 3 week time period."   Oh my gosh.  15 'fantastic' bloggers whose pages I will need to visit because one or all of them might have incredible insight into something I can't live without.


That's when my eyeball fell out.  I'm calling my doctor tomorrow for some ritalin. 


Come on Nyquil, do your stuff!  Get me out of this crazy thing...... called love?

                                                                                             Mrs. Snarky 

Life in Movieland

Have you ever noticed how movie and TV characters can do just about anything? Their skills often amaze me. The other day I was watching a show and one of the guys was a computer genius. He deleted all records of an auction on an E-bay type site and while he was at it, improved his co-worker's credit score and added a few grand to his bank account, all in the space of around 5 minutes. Amazing.

Have you ever tried to pick a lock? 30 seconds flat for these guys. When I break into someone's house it takes at least 5 minutes. What about hot wiring cars? All you gotta do is pull the panel off of the steering column and voila, you're off to the races.

Have you ever fallen off of a cliff or the top of a building and caught yourself on the edge, even when there is really nothing to hang on to? No problem, right? And even easier than that is pulling yourself back up and over. Sure. Piece of cake. Go out and find a high bar that is barely above your fully extended arms, jump up and grab it, and then pull yourself up and over. Not so easy really.

Does everyone out there in the dating world really go to bed on the first date? It sure seems to me that they do... but mostly, they just hook up in bars and go home with a different person every night. That is as long as they look like Ryan Reynolds or Matthew McConaughey. If they wear bad clothes or have a funny mustache, forget it, they will never get laid... that is until they find the really dorky girl (who is actually gorgeous, but is covering it up with her bad glasses and her hair up) and then they get married first, because that is what dorky girls do. Very realistic, no?

How come bad guys can never shoot very well? Do they not practice enough? They never ever hit the good guy and only occasionally hit his partner. Maybe they go to bad-guy shooting school.

The very worst part of living in movieland is this: if you cough more than once, you will not be living very long. Time and time again I've seen where the main character's father or his friend coughs and there is a short little look of concern, the cougher says, "it's nothing" and within ten minutes of film time, he's on his death bed, or has already kicked the bucket.

Cough. I Love you guys. Cough. Uh oh.

Hope I'm alive long enough to post again soon.

Quiet Time

     I'm craving some serious quiet time right now. However, as soon as I sat down at the computer my two year old granddaughter says "Nigh Night!!  Go nigh night!  happy bday??"  She is now singing "happy 'buth' kunkine away abcdfgee."    There is NO quiet moment with her.  None.  Zippo.  I know she can read, she's just being belligerent!

I've been perusing other blogs to get ideas for Christmas crafts and decor.  It sucks.  Seriously.  All of the places I click on CLAIM to have small children.  And yet the pictures they post make me believe that these people have never had a child step foot in their homes.  Where is the clutter?  The clothes on the floor?  The empty sippy cups???  The food spread around?

Just once I'd like to see an honest photo of a normal family.  Maybe I should head over to Awkward Family Photos.  Or maybe not -   Awkward!!!!

                                                                                           Mrs. Snarky

Pointless

   
I'm apparently too tired and crabby from my recent doctor experiences to be very funny tonight. I've had an ultrasound, (no I'm not a hermaphrodite as my lovely co-worker suggested) an MRI, (I do have a brain, which I was glad to hear) an aspiration, (which is actually just a nice way of saying I'm going to stick a needle in your throat for around an hour) and acupuncture (a not so nice way of saying I'm going to stick needles all over your body and leave them in for around an hour). I've tried and tried again but instead of funny Mr. Snarky, the writing comes across as bitchy unfunny Snarky. Sorry. I have a right to be bitchy. Oh, and the Packers kicked holy hell out of my Vikings tonight. Just kick a dog when he's down okay?

Anyway, Mr. Snarky's health has been an issue lately, but don't worry. He'll be fine. You know he's feeling a little bit better when he starts writing about himself in 3rd person. So I got that going for me, which is nice. I am feeling a bit down though. Anyone have any Prozac? Maybe Jemaine can cheer me up instead.

Time to go to my happy place

Ahh screw it. Nothing helps. Time to pop a Xanax and go to bed.

Goodnight. I kinda like you guys.

Mr. Snarky

I love my job... sometimes

I am writing this post as a public service to cashiers everywhere. I am not a cashier, but it is a fairly large part of my job. Glamorous I know. Cashiers have always held a special place in my heart. They work hard, stand on their feet all day, make crappy money, work crappy hours, and worst of all, they have to deal with the public constantly while trying to keep a smile on their face. Don't get me wrong; for the most part, I enjoy dealing with the public. There are just certain things about it that make me crazy.

DO NOT TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE WHILE IN LINE... EVER!!! I mean it! Yesterday, a woman in line at the register was talking to her friend. She was at the front of the line and we couldn't help her without talking to her first. Her conversation, two decibels higher than a normal speaking voice, went something like this: "Yeah, I'm at the pharmacy right now. Uh huh. Well, I'm picking something up. No, at the drugstore. Yeah. I probably should go because I'm at the drugstore getting something for Charlie. Uh huh. Yeah." It went on like that for 2 or 3 minutes. Incredibly engaging conversation that couldn't possibly wait until AFTER picking up Charlie's meds, right? Hang up the damned phone lady! Even if you're just picking up a bottled water or something, talking on the phone says to the clerk that they mean absolutely nothing to you. Please, please don't do it.

Do not lick your finger when you are taking out your money or checkbook or debit card. This is especially true when you are at the pharmacy picking up antibiotics. It may sound silly, but people do it all the time... especially people over 50. I often want to stick out my hand and ask them if they'd like to spit on it, because in effect, that is what they've done. Instead, I grab the hand sanitizer, set it on the counter, and douse my hand right in front of them before taking the money to see if they get the hint. From what I can tell, none of them ever have.

If you want to make conversation, great. Just remember that this cashier has heard many of the same lines over and over and over all day every day. I'm not being clear here, so let me give you some examples. Yes, those of us who have to make you sign in the box know that it looks nothing like your signature. We don't give a rip. If an item you are trying to purchase has no price sticker or won't scan, IT ISN'T FREE! The teller at your bank who laughs when you stick her up by pretending your finger is a gun... thinks you are an idiot. And when she asks you how you want your 200 dollars, cash is NOT the answer she's looking for. The guy at the gas station knows that gas prices are really high. It's not his fault. When I worked at a different drug store that had a preferred customer card, the cashiers were required to tell them how much they saved by using the card. Me, "You saved 93 cents with your card." Them, "93 cents is 93 cents, hahaha" Me, "Really? I thought it was 92 cents. But actually, in 1953 dollars, 93 cents is 17 cents. And in Canada, 93 cents is more like 80 cents. But thanks for sharing." Okay, so I never said the last sentence. Instead I just tried not to make faces at them as they left. "Have a nice day!" Then under my breath, "MORON!"

Lastly, do not ever just throw your wadded up money on the counter. I can't speak for every cashier, but when I tell you the total and you flop money out there like that, it brings to mind just one word. Asshole!

Remember that cashiers, while not having the most exciting job in the world, are people. They HATE when you treat them like dirt or like they are invisible. When you have to wait in line, it's usually not their fault. They don't like it either. They've been standing there all day; you've only had to stand there for 5 minutes. They have a list of things they are supposed to be getting done when it's not busy and the crowd you see in front of you in line means that they can't do it and the manager doesn't care whether it's too busy. He only sees that the list hasn't been completed. So remember, the guy who takes your money might just be going to school to try to improve himself; the girl who runs your debit card might be a single mommy just trying to survive. Give 'em a break, would you? I'd appreciate it.

Hope this didn't make you mad because... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

But if it did make you mad.... PFFFFFFFTTTT! Mr. Snarky

Superheroes... almost

   
My favorite 3 year old boy LOVES superheroes. He has DVDs, puzzles, outfits, coloring books and action figures. He has introduced me to several superheroes and villains that I had no idea existed. This led me to a thought; if there are that many superheroes, surely there were some who were "left on the drawing board"  After a little research, I discovered these never before released Superheroes who never made it.

The Mosquito, AKA Buzz Miller: When Buzz discovered the ability to turn into a mosquito, he was determined to help New York City police in solving crimes. Unfortunately, two days later, while making a deposit at his credit union, armed robbers arrived. Never having had the time to determine what good could come of his power, he decided to give it a shot anyway. He transformed, bit the first robber he could find, and was promptly slapped, ending his career before it had a chance. Rest In Peace Buzz.

Mr Toilet, AKA Louis Commode: Loo, as he is known by his friends, is a mild mannered janitor working for a defense contractor. When he has his sights set on an evildoer, he goes into a stall, and quickly transforms himself into Mr. Toilet. When the unsuspecting bad guy sits down, Mr. Toilet swallows him whole. His sometime assistant, Dr. Ex-lax, occasionally helps him on a really hard case.

Sgt. Racker: Racker is a retired Marine drill Sargent. He has no super power. If someone is doing something wrong, he kicks them right in the nuts. That's all.

Skunkman, AKA Mal Oder: Mal works as a file clerk for a Washington lobbyist. He seeks out government corruption and when he finds it, he sprays it down, leaving the offender with a foul smell that can only be removed with a bath in tomato juice.

The Human Tornado, AKA Billy Ray Gibson: Billy Ray is the maintenance man at a trailer park in Mississippi. After a nasty incident involving a stolen 6 pack of Old Milwaukee, the residents of the park learned to NEVER EVER piss Billy Ray off again.

Papa Razzi: Papa lives in LA. The biggest crime he has foiled was at a convenience store. He took so many pictures of the perpetrator, the man was blinded and unable to drive the getaway car and the authorities arrived in time to confiscate the stolen red bulls and beef jerky.

Soup or Man, AKA Pierre Bouilliabaisse: He tried fighting crime, but it didn't work out very well. Peter's super power was, unfortunately, the ability to turn himself into a bowl of soup. The criminals either laughed at him, or took a few bites. His biggest success came when his arch nemesis, Jimmy the Jaywalker took a big bite and forgot to blow on the spoon, severely burning his lips.

Rain Man, AKA Chief Winnebago: The chief is the greatest rain dancer the world has ever seen. When crimes are in progress, he does his dance and the evil doers are quickly soaked to the bone. However, he has not yet learned to control the more powerful lightning and his arch rivals know this, always remembering to bring towels and a change of clothes to the crime scenes.

                                          Hope you all have a great week. Love, Mr Snarky

Things Mr. Snarky is thankful for

        A relative of ours posted a request on her blog asking people to name some things they are thankful for. I think she might get more than she bargained for from Mr. Snarky. So anyway, in no particular order (other than the first one being number one which you will definitely understand in a moment) here they come.

1. I am not dead. I like this a whole lot. I prefer me in my state of not-deadness, which is very much different than undead. I wouldn't like that at all I don't think, unless I got to star in a movie about it with Simon Pegg. That might be cool. If you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you like the fact that I'm not dead as well, but who can be certain about these things.

The Rest

I'm very thankful that I'm not talking to that one guy who never stops talking. You know the one. You think he's done and you try to walk away but he keeps following you and never stops talking even when you say something really obnoxious and he still doesn't pick up on it because that guy never listens anyway... all he ever thinks about is himself and you can try to change the subject and he just keeps going on and on and on. Yeah. That guy. Or the guy who smells bad.

I'm thankful for blog posts asking me what I'm thankful for.  Really. It made me write this. Otherwise I would probably be sleeping right now and who needs that. Maybe I would be sitting here playing plants vs zombies or some other time waster until I got tired.

I am so thankful that I've never fallen on a beer bottle when I was naked. That's all I have to say about that.

I'm thankful that I'm me and not you. No one else gets to be me and that's good. Because I'm better than you. At something anyway. Not sure what. Maybe I'll figure it out when I grow up. (I'm in my 40's)

I'm thankful that I'm not that guy who smells bad.

And beer. I like beer.

I'm thankful that not every song on the radio is by Katie Perry. Cuz that would suck.

I'm thankful for Mrs. Snarky. She laughs at all my attempts at humour; even the ones that aren't funny.

I'm thankful for the British spellings of the words "Humour and Colour" (okay, if she laughs at that, I'll know she's faking cuz it's just not funny)

I'm thankful that the Yankees did not win the World Series this year. They just do that FAR too often.

And finally, I'm thankful for a good book and a warm fire on a cold night; the love of a family member; my good friends; having food to eat and a place to sleep; a good conversation over a cup of coffee; the feeling of a job well done when you've helped someone overcome a problem in their life that they've been working at for years and had no success... or some other crap like that. Oh hell... let's be real. Post-Its... yeah! I'm WAY thankful for Post-Its.

I am also thankful for YOU, dear reader.  With Love, Mister Snarky

Stupid people are just... well... stupid.

  

How many times can a person apologize for doing the same thing over again before it becomes apparent that they aren't really sorry and they just don't give a damn? This morning, I called the dentist's office for Mrs. Snarky and the receptionist there, who has known us for three or four years now, mispronounced my name. Again. Now, as you may have gathered, our last name isn't really Snarky... but it's not all that hard to pronounce. 5 letters. That's it. And it rhymes with every other English word that is spelled with the same last 4 letters. There aren't all that many words you can rhyme it with, but they are out there. WTF is soo damn hard about changing 1 letter? It's always pissed me off since back in the day when you would get calls from salesmen at dinnertime on the house phone and had to answer because caller ID hadn't been invented yet. Those guys ALWAYS screwed it up too. This is worse. I have corrected this person at least 15 times. Yet every time I talk to her, she screws it up again... and apologizes again. It tells me that either: 1. She really doesn't give a damn about me and whether or not I come to that dentist or, 2. she is as dumb as a box of rocks. The Mrs. and I LOVE our dentist. She is a sweet woman who always comes across as being genuinely concerned about you and your family, and she makes every effort to ensure that you are as comfortable as possible as she rips your mouth to shreds. Oh... she also pronounces your fucking name properly.

I felt like making the receptionist repeat my name correctly over and over again this morning. Thought that maybe if I yelled something like "MY NAME IS SNARKY, NOT SNARE KEY!" 7 or 8 times, the next time she called, the idiot would remember how to say it. She'd definitely remember ME. But I didn't. I saved my snarkiness for later, bitching about her in my mind while I was in the shower. I'm thinking of not paying the bill. When she calls me to ask for payment, I'll tell her that if she can pronounce my name right the first time, I will send the check right then and there. If not, call again next week and give it another shot. Dumbass!

But not you guys. You're great. No really, you are.    

                                          Mr. Snarky

I Have a Vagina, How 'Bout You?

        A week or so ago I ended up breaking in to song.  This is not an unusual thing for me to do.  In fact, I really enjoy belting out a tune Opera style.   "I have a vagina, how 'bout you??"  Yep, thems the words.  Catchy isn't it.  It's great fun to sing with others as well.  Especially my three year old grandson. That boy is one of the funniest kids on the planet I tell you!  He knows he doesn't have a vagina, but he doesn't pass up a catchy tune, no matter WHAT the words are.  Obviously.

I was sitting in the kitchen with my sister tonight when said three year old started singing the winsome words in the living room.  "We all have vaginas, how 'bout you?" Well, there were 4 adults nearby and we all started cracking up.  Then, we sang along.   And yes, we all have vaginas, how 'bout you???

Our almost 2 year old granddaughter joined in the musical by singing "Nigh Night fagina."  She can't say V's.  Probably a good thing for now.

Mrs. Snarky    

Still stuck on music

   
       I like Adele's music somewhat, but I'm wondering if there is anyone out there over the age of ten who listens to the current music on the radio with regularity that isn't completely sick of "Rolling in the Deep". Unless you are into oldies or country, you can't help but hear it anywhere from three to ten times a day. We had visitors here in August which is two months ago, and I remember my daughter and her friend talking about how tired they were of the song back then. Could someone send a memo to the radio stations to find something else to play and make us sick of that instead? Please? It's seriously a decent song, but enough is enough! Sometimes I wake up and the damn thing is still running through my head from the day before and it sets me in a mood. I have to mentally turn the channel in my head to get something else stuck in there. PLEASE QUIT PLAYING THAT SONG!

Today, when I switched to my station at work, some damn thing was playing that sounded like sheep mating or something. Almost made me throw up it was so awful, which made me realize just how many bad decisions were made in order for me to hear that particular piece of crap. I mean really! 1. Someone wrote it. 2. Someone decided that the song was worth recording... and even after hearing it, they decided to release it. 3. Someone in programming at the radio station thought it would be a good thing to play. If just one of these idiotic decisions hadn't been made, I might have been listening to a nice Pearl Jam song, or maybe some U2. BUT NO! I decided I'd just take a minute from my busy day and go over and change the station. You'll never guess what was playing. UGH!

Katy Perry. See what I did there? You thought I was going one way and I went another. But let's talk about Katy for a second. First off, she is now the leader in number one songs since Obama got into office. Katy Friggin Perry. If you read my worst lyrics posts, you know I'm not all that fond of her. It started with her first song. I had heard it on the radio only a few times when it came on New Years Rockin' Eve whatever year that was. They brought Dick Clark out of the ice they store him in and he announced her singing "I Kissed a Girl." It kind of freaked me out when our 7 year old "almost relative" started singing about how she liked the taste of her cherry chapstick. Not that I'm a prude, but it seemed a little out there for a seven year old to know all those lyrics. Anyway, I haven't been much into Katy since then.

I will always love you. Well, most of you anyway.

Mr Snarky

Oh Halloween!!

    Do you remember when you were younger and the internet didn't exist?  When we had to come up with our own ideas for costumes, decorating, party ideas?  (Wow am I ever glad THOSE days are over!!!)  When it was "safe" to go trick-or-treating with your friends?  When neighbors would decorate their front room with spookiness and the kids would come right into the house to experience the "horror" of a haunted living room with expectations of candy?

Today was supposed to be a day of decorating and crafting with the kids.  I have these great ideas for something exciting and new that I wanted to share online with friends and family.  No such luck today.  Today has instead become a day of headaches and backed up laundry lines.  BOO!

Personally, I think one of the scariest things in the world is a toilet backing up and overflowing after a child has done his duty and used too much toilet paper.  Freaks me right the heck out!   Well... that's been trumped.  The laundry line backing into the toilet, bathtub and kitchen sink is a weeeeeeeeee bit worse than just a backed up toilet.  UGH!  The smell!  The HORROR!! The kids holding their legs together till the water goes down in the toilet so it can safely be used!  The lint and crud that circles the bathtub.... This is all very frightening!  Halloween ain't got nuthin' on this!!!

So I'm thinking... it would be really cool if we just set the candy up in a floating bowl in the bathtub... stick a knarly looking stuffed animal in the toilet with a grubby head and arm popping out of the top.... set up some creepy jack-o-lanterns around the counters along with some orange and black candles... and then invite the neighborhood to "trick-or-treat" in there and wish them a hearty "GOOD LUCK!"

What do you think?

In the meantime, as I wait for the drain cleaner to show up, I'm enjoying bouncing around online and found this great post from 2009 and thought I'd share it with you.  Please click the link under the pumpkin to be redirected to Laurie Hardin's amazing creations!

Laurie Hardin

Happy Halloween!!!!!!!

Please join in the fun today
and check out
this awesome
linky follower fest!!!

Mrs. Snarky  

Things You Don't Hear Every Day

Uhhhhhhhh...... what?

Sitting in our kitchen is entertaining.  The kitchen may be small... the booth we sit in is a tight fit for 4 people... the walk space is continually clogged up... But the kitchen is the hub of the house.  It is surrounded by a full and active living room and a hallway leading to the bedrooms and bathroom.  Because of that, you can hear pretty much anything going on in the house just sitting at the kitchen table.  Here are some things I recently overheard:

• "The Evil Ride of doom is over!"
• "Can we do an evil ride of jumpy squids?"
• "Can we do the evil ride of fun doom??"
• "Gamma!  Gamma!  Skeary!  Skeary"
• "I am the EVIL Teacher of Doom!"
• "That last movie was a movie the whole FAMILY can enjoy Gramma!" (finger in the air talking about movie previews before watching Land Before Time)
• To the kids:  "What kinds of things do people do in the bathroom?" Answer "Shave your butt?"
• "Sneizures!" (when someone sneezes 3 or more times in a row)
• "Gramma said 'is she crying? is she screaming? is she blushing blood?'"
• "Your eyes are still open.... I can hear them." (Medium playing in the background)
• "Look at this mysterious ball!" (tiny bouncy ball that looks like a soccer ball)
• People who cuss during sleep have "Sleep tourette's"

I challenge you to listen to what is going on around you and to post those things that you normally don't hear in every day conversation.  You just might discover that you live in a house of weirdos.

The 10 worst song lyrics EVER!! (part 2)

Click here if you missed the first half of The 10 Worst Song Lyrics Ever before continuing with this post. Then for the rest of you.....

Since you've all been so eagerly awaiting the final five songs in this list, I'll just jump right in with...

5. The Girl is Mine - Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson: It is painful for me to trash Paul because I grew up loving the Beatles and a few of Wings' tunes as well. Unfortunately, in this case, Paul deserves it. I don't mind trashing Jacko at all however. This song, while no longer receiving much airplay, still makes me feel ill. Check out this bit of amazingness: "The girl is mine, the doggone girl is mine. I know she's mine, because the doggone girl is mine." That's some deep stuff right there. Especially the 2nd sentence. I know she's mine because... umm... because she's mine doggone it. Well, you really told him!
There has been one occasion on which I enjoyed this song. Thank you Stephen Colbert and John Legend! Check out the vid below. It'll rock your world.


Stephen Colbert - The Girl Is Mine from nicole on Vimeo.

4. Ass Like That - Eminem: Now when it comes to music I hate, Eminem is right up there at the top. I'm truly not a fan of rap and/or hip hop, (in fact I barely consider rap to be music) but I know there are plenty of people out there who like it. Good for them. Enjoy. Just turn it down when I pull up next to you at a stoplight, okay? I promise not to play Barry Manilow so loud that your teeth rattle if you'll do the same for me with Fitty Cent. Deal? Anyway, back to Eminem. I cannot stand the little punk. What a jackass. But that's beside the point. His music sucks too. Check out this gem. It sounds like something a 7th grader might write. "The way you shake it, I can't believe it. I ain't never seen a ass like that.The way you move it, you make my pee-pee go da-doing doing doing." I take it back. It sounds more like a 5th grader.

3. Firework - Katy Perry: A lot of songs don't bother me at first. Then once I've heard one of them 25,000 times, it starts to get on my nerves. Especially when it has annoying lyrics like this one. What's even worse for me is that it is the theme for a movie on our pay per view and my daughter leaves the channel on the tv all the damn time. So now, if I don't take the time to go mute the tv, I get to hear the chorus of this song around every five minutes or so. UGH! So thanks Katy. You're great. "Cause baby you're a firework, come on show em what you're worth. Make em go oh oh oh as you shoot across the sky." Don't you just feel so pumped up?

2. The Thong Song - Sisqo: This was another of my children's favorite songs when they were little. I don't really want to talk about it. "She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like what, what, what? Baby move your butt, butt, butt. Uh, I think to sing it again. She had dumps like a truck...." Boy am I glad that's over.

1. I Gotta Feeling - Black-Eyed Peas: I'm not sure if this will stay at the top of my list forever, but for right now, I'd rather hear any song ever in the top 40 over this POS. I know, plenty of people love it. It's easy to dance to, Mrs. Snarky likes to clean house with it on, and "It's just a fun song," as someone once told me. No. It isn't. Every time you listen to it, your IQ drops a few points, and can only be brought back up by learning some new piece of trivia about the country of Kyrgyzstan. There are so many horrible moments to this song, I barely know where to begin. How about the part when they sing all seven days of the week in order? Maybe the fact that they say "tonight's gonna be a good night" around 300 times. But no, the thing that really gets me is this... "Let's do it and do it and do it do it do it. And do it and do it and do it do it do it." And again and again and again. OMG I HATE THAT SONG!
~~~
Mrs. Snarky was informed that it was nearly impossible to comment on the earlier posts. This situation has been remedied. So I'll end with a request. Comment this post with some of your most hated song lyrics. I know I skipped some good ones. Tell me why you disagree with some of mine. Anything. I want to hear from you. Thanks for reading.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE,

Mr. Snarky.

Kids are just GROSS!

I'm preempting this blog message to tell you that children are absolutely disgusting and gross.  Not only do they wipe boogers everywhere or just plain let them run down their faces, but they do horribly rude things like THIS...

Our 1 1/2 year old granddaughter just walked into the room with a handful of noodles she was squishing between her fingers (yes, we just had dinner.)  When she tried to hand the mush to me, I told her to go back to the kitchen and throw it away.  A minute or so later she came into the room and held her hands out for me to pick her up, hands still covered in all kinds of mush.  I sent her back to the kitchen to get her hands washed before I would pick her up only to have her show back up 30 seconds later with a papertowel asking for help.  I obliged and washed her hands off while her telling her what a good girl she was and then picked her up to hold her on my lap.  As she sat facing me, I gave her a drink of water while gushing about what a good and awesome little girl she was. She leaned in to give me what I thought was a kiss and proceeded to spit her water with chucks of chicken and noodles INTO my freaking mouth.  How does one spell out a heaving sound????? uuuuuuuwuuuah uuuuuuuuwuuuuah uuuuuuuwuah!!!! 

That will have to do.

I retaliated by taking the obnoxiously LOOOONG wig from "Tangled" and shoving it between her diapered butt and her pants allowing most of it to dangle on the floor like an overgrown horse tail.  I thought it was cute and that she would probably hate it and complain.  Pffffft No chance of that.  She thought it was awesome and that her Grandmother Snarky was cool for even thinking of it.  The next 1/2 hour was spent watching her "shake her booty" and having to "fick it" for her whenever the wig started to slip out.  So not fair.  She's having fun and I'm spitting goop out of my mouth.  I really need to refine my means of torture!

Mrs. Snarky

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The 10 Worst Song Lyrics EVER!!

The 10 worst song lyrics EVER!!

         
I have a coworker that likes a whole lot of music that I can't stand. Usually, in the morning, we listen to her station and in the afternoon, mine. Also in the morning, I rip on her songs, and as you've probably guessed by now, she rips mine in the afternoon. It's nothing personal; we just have different tastes in music. I have good taste, and she has bad. Over time, we've each come to like a little of the other's music, but not too much. The thing is, she likes music you can dance to.... lyrics don't matter. To me, lyrics are the most important part of the song. If the lyrics suck, or are too repetitive, I don't like the song. Please don't get too upset if I hate on a song that you love. Truthfully, musical taste is completely subjective just like food. If you love a certain food that I hate, it won't mean that I think you're gross. Except for if you love beets...then you are extremely gross. Isn't that right Mrs. Snarky? Anyway, here are ten songs that I think could've used a little bit more time with a good lyricist.

10. KISS - Rock and Roll All Night: What is with my generation and Kiss? They had VERY little talent and a good stage show. As far as I'm concerned, they put on the show to cover up for their lousy songs. Consider this gem... "You keep on shoutin' You keep on shoutin! I wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day. I wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day"... over and over again ad infinitum. The song ends with the repetition of this pearl of wisdom not 4... not 5... not even 6. No. It was such a great line, they repeated it 9 times.

9. Lady Gaga - I could pick a few... but I'll go with Bad Romance: Okay... she's got some talent... but so did Pavarotti. I didn't like listening to him sing either. Gaga probably has the best gimmick in music since... KISS. Anyway, I'm not sure how she came up with this but here goes. "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!" And she darn well means that too. So much so that she repeats it about 4 or 5 times.

8. Aqua - Barbie Girl : This is without a doubt, one of the worst songs to get stuck in your head. I was a fairly young dad when this came out and my little daughter asked for it for Christmas or her birthday or something. Little did I know then that buying an 8 year old a cd meant that she would listen to one song from it around 10 times a day. UGH! Makes me shiver just thinking about it. "I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic."

7. Maroon 5 - Moves Like Jagger: There are a few Maroon 5 songs that I actually like. This is NOT one of them. Adam Levine's voice going up and down the music scale might be impressive... in fact I'd probably sprain my vocal chords just trying it. That's right, I said sprain... because strain wouldn't begin to describe it. That still doesn't mean I want to hear him do it. And once again, to pick on my co-worker, she loves this song... so I asked her who Jagger is. No idea. Didn't really know the Stones either. So now, when the Stones come on my station, I point it out every time. To be fair, she is just a kid, and probably looks at me like an old man... but still, the Rolling Stones? "With the moves like Jagger, I got the moves like Jagger, I got the moo ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ves like Jagger." Stunning.

6. The Police - De Do Do Do, De Dah Dah Dah: "Is all I want to say to you. De do do do, de dah dah dah, They're meaningless and all that's true." Sheer brilliance.

Well, this took longer than expected. Let's call that part 1. To be continued.... expect pt. 2 Saturday or Sunday.

Love, Mr.Snarky

Rebuttal

Before this goes any further, NO I DO NOT SLEEP ALL THE TIME. The problem is, Mrs. Snarky NEVER sleeps when she is supposed to be tired. Last night, there I was dreaming of better ways to make fun of people without them even realizing it, when out of nowhere, the damned laptop screen is shining on my face. I heard  the tapping of the keys, so I opened one eye and looked over and asked the Mrs. if she was EVER going to sleep. She is ALL kinds of excited and tells me that she got us signed up to do the blog and we have twitter and email and blah blah blah blah blah. Well, when she gets going, let me tell you, she REALLY gets going. Doesn’t matter that it’s after 2 am. Doesn’t matter that I have to get up to get an MRI done in the morning. So I’m awake then.

After a couple of hours of this, lights are off. I’m staring at the ceiling. It’s flickering different colors because of some damned TV show she’s snoring to on Netflix. My mind starts rolling like it can only do at 4 in the morning. I start thinking of posts I want to write, things that we can do to get more people snarkified; that kind of thing. I come up with what I think is a great idea for a post. It’s the 10 songs with the worst lyrics ever written, which I will post tomorrow. One thing leads to another and in my head is one of my all-time favorite shitty songs.  Someone needs to come up with a notation that shows sarcasm… can you help me out with this? Let me just say that nothing beats hearing a crappy, repetitive song rattling through your brain at 5 o’clock in the fucking morning when you have to get up in a few hours. So yeah, I took a nap! Sue me!

All my love, Mr. Snarky    

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Snarky Profile Pic

The Meet Cute

Snarky Profile Picture

Just spent the better part of the day spiffing ourselves up, hiring a photographer, snapping hundreds of profile pictures and doing touch-ups on Photoshop.  Honestly, being beautiful can be such a pain in the ass.  The whole process wore out Mr. Snarky and he is once again sleeping.  Well, he is unconsciously watching the movie "The Last Starfighter."

You know, we've spent countless hours playing video games and really kicking ass at it and never once have we been offered the opportunity to head out into space to save the world let alone the galaxy.  I'm fairly certain that "The Last Starfighter" is full of shit.  I'm more inclined to believe that the movie "Inception" is more along the lines of reality.  In fact, as much as I love to sleep, I think that "Inception" is right up my alley.

I'll work on that tonight.  In the meantime, here is our glamour shot.

Don't hate us because we're beautiful.
Snark at you soon....  Mrs. Snarky

The Meet Cute

"A meet cute is a convention of romantic comedies in which two potential romantic partners meet in a contrived way in unusual or comic circumstances. A staple of the romantic genre, the technique creates an artificial situation contrived by the filmmakers in order to bring together characters in an entertaining manner. Frequently the "meet cute" leads to a humorous clash of personalities or beliefs, embarrassing situations, or comical misunderstandings that further drive the plot." -- Wikipedia


Welcome to our Snarky blog.  We seriously hope that what you find here is a place to laugh and have fun.  We are a husband and wife team who enjoys laughter above all else.  Well, that and excellent spelling and grammar.  And new socks.  Oh, and great coffee.  Movies as well.  We like those.  And music.  READING!  We love reading.  We also like to bitch, moan, encourage, eat and smoke.  Well, the smoking we're quitting, but we won't quit eating no matter what the surgeon general says!!!!  Sometimes there's beer involved.  At least for Mr. Snarky.  Mrs. Snarky hates turning bright red and lying flat due to alcohol induced migraines.  


If any of this sounds fun (other than the migraines and the smoking, because we do NOT endorse smoking even though we do it) then you, dear reader, have come to the right blog!!!  


We are hard at work (Mr. Snarky is sleeping, Mrs. Snarky is hard at work) at creating a crapload of posts to put up for your reading enjoyment.  We hope you find reasons to stop in often to read our ramblings!

Mrs. Snarky