Friday, March 31, 2017

Random Thoughts and Things


    First off, I want to thank all of you who have been with me for the past 30 days. I truly appreciate you taking the time to check out this page. It was my intention to resurrect this blog, and if I hadn't been getting many hits, I may have quit after a week or so. You all helped me to push through. I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    I saw a can of Chunky Soup today at work. No, that's not all. The label read, "Win a trip to Super Bowl 50!" Considering that Super Bowl 51 was played in February, I bought the soup and have entered the contest. When I win, I plan on betting my life savings on the Broncos.Who knew that Campbell's Soup company has a time machine?

This one is for Becki

    I hate the saying, "Haters Gonna Hate." It's stupid. If God hadn't intended for me to hate anything, he wouldn't have invented the Yankees. Or Katy Perry songs.

    I don't understand why hair grows practically everywhere on my body except for the palms of my hands, the bottom of my feet, and the top of my head. Why can't male pattern baldness be on the back of our necks or on our butts instead of on our heads? Huh? Why?

    I worked for a few hours today, then was asked if I could go home for a while and work later because someone quit with no notice today. I readily agreed so I could go home and take a nap, which I did. Now my question is, why am I always ALWAYS so tired?

Exactly. WHY???

   
I know, right?

    In case you were wondering, the Cubs defense of their World Series title begins Sunday. I just thought I'd throw that out there because it's the first time in my lifetime that I could say that and not be lying.

    While we're on baseball, my White Sox will probably not be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs until September, but they may as well just get it over with now. I'm looking forward to seeing some of their new young players, but it will be a while before they are competing for a playoff spot.

    I was hoping that I'd have an awesome post planned out by the time I got home, but no... I'm finishing my 30 days straight with this marvelousnous tonight. Whoop de doo!

    Well, that's about it. I'm pretty pleased with myself for making it the full 30. I'm sure that I'll be back to share more exciting stories with you. I'm also sure that I won't do it every day, but that should mean that I'll only post when I have something decent to blog about. I'd recommend that everyone should challenge themselves into doing something like this, or another venture that they'd like to try. I realize that not everyone wants to blog and/or share it with others, and that's okay. But you could simply write in a journal for yourself to peruse.



   Yeah. Why not?

Thanks again. Love you guys!

Snarky

P.S., If anyone out there wants to start a blog and doesn't know how, you can comment here, or email me at realmistersnarky@gmail.com and I'll help you get it going.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

My Penultimate Post For March


    I have a love affair with the English language. It's a mess, true... but it's our mess. The British may think they speak it properly, but this is the U.S.A. and we do everything better! At least that's what they teach us in school. I'm assuming they teach the same thing in other countries. The whole, our country is the best in the world thing. Anyway, less than a paragraph in and I'm already off topic. If you know Mr. Snarky in real life, you might be wondering when he's actually on topic. Mr. Snarky lives in the margins. It's where I find a lot of my best material.

    Anyway (which I've learned from the past month is one of my favorite words) (does the comma go before the parentheses or after?), <-- I'll just put it over there... ANYWAY, The English Language. It is the illegitimate love child of ALL the other languages. Like how a word sounds in Spanish? No worries, just steal it.

    I'm not sure when or where my love affair with words began, but I'm fairly sure it will stay with me for life, or until dementia sets in, God forbid. My mother was an executive secretary... (But was she? She was a Mother, Wife, Sister, American, Aunt, and lots of other things. She only worked as a secretary) ... back in the day before Google or auto correct. Back when you used a dictionary if you couldn't spell a word. She was an incredible speller and typist. She could run circles around me on the typewriter, and I'd assume, would whip me in a spelling bee as well. My father worked in Finance, but he also wrote plays and short stories, and he often told me, "Son, you think in English, don't you? If you learn the art of language, couldn't it be assumed that you'd be a better thinker?

I don't care about smarts. Just SHOW ME THE MONEY!


   I've always thought that punctuation was very important, but not as critical as the content. I think perhaps I use a few too many ... when I lose my train of thought, rather than fixing (and maybe I use parentheses too often as well. I dunno. I think if you forget what the point of the sentence before the parenthesis came in, that's probably a bad thing, don't you think?) the sentence right then and there or else in rewrite. As I said though, punctuation can be hugely important.

As a Grandpa, I agree with the latter statement.

    Looking at my keyboard, and thinking about how so many incredible works of literature were created by these 26 letters and the assorted punctuation marks, it truly blows my mind. Everything from "War and Peace," to "A Tale of Two Cities," to the all-time classic, "Everyone Poops," came from this random assortment of symbols. Pretty incredible if you ask me. 

Books can save lives too! This one could come in handy.


    Anyway...(  )

Good Night!
Meester Snarky

P.S. Want a good laugh? Scroll down to the customer reviews on this page. Want to cry? Look how much the thing is selling for.

P.P.S. Did you think I'd tell you what penultimate means? Think again. But I'll make it easy for you. Click here if you want to know what it means. If you already know, good for you! Mr. Snarky is proud of you. 
 


   

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

27 Down, 3 To Go


    It's really been an interesting month for me. Some days, posting to this blog has been simple. Others, I've had absolutely no thoughts on what to do, and I think it shows. My best posts have all been on days when I sat down and knew right away what I wanted to talk about. If it were always that easy, I'd keep this up forever. Unfortunately, it's RARELY that easy. Although it's usually difficult, and some days near impossible, I'm very happy I've been doing this, and happier still that some of you have come along with me and read every day. Thank you! Sincerely.

    The plan is, after my 30th straight day of posting, which will be this Friday, I will take a few days off. I'm hoping that this past month will bring me back to posting regularly on this page.

    I have very little to talk about tonight because of something else filling up the creative spaces in this goofy head of mine. An old friend and I are working on a joint project. I told him I wanted to wait until the end of the month so I could focus on this for three more days, but he is excited, and excitement can be very contagious.
He's so excited... and he just can't hide it.

    I don't want to share what we're working on for several reasons, not least among them being that if it never gets off the ground, I won't have to feel bad about it. I think it will though. It could be a ton of fun.

    Lastly, I should be hearing about the Onion audition within the next 2 weeks. I'll keep you posted.

Love yas!
 
Mr. Snarky

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Curse of the Snarky


    Spring is in the air. One of my favorite days of the year is right around the corner. Major League Baseball's opening day. That's right, Rachel... this is another sports post. Yay sports! I started loving baseball when I was just a little bitty Snarky - just barely out of diapers, and still peeing the bed. Mrs. Snarky is glad I quit THAT habit a few years ago. My father told me that even as a very small guy, when I heard the Star Spangled Banner, I'd come running into the living room and jump on his lap to watch a ball game. With him, it was always the Chicago White Sox. It didn't matter that they were lousy... these were our guys. Jorge Orta, Ken Henderson and Wilbur Wood. Guys like that were who we rooted for. They usually had zero chance against players like Reggie Jackson or Nolan Ryan. The big name guys would always whip our butts. Didn't matter to us back then... at least not enough to make us quit watching, or to do the unthinkable - switch over to the Cubs.

Even thinking about it freaks me out     
    Through thick and thin we stuck it out. There were a few good years (1977, 1983, 1993, 2000) and lots of bad ones (I'm not actually putting anything in here... I just thought I needed more parentheses). In '77, they played well for most of the year and it was the first time I ever thought they had a chance to make the playoffs. The other 3 years, they made the playoffs, but never advanced past the first round. All through those years, I rooted for my White Sox first, Red Sox second, and Cubs third. As a Chicagoan, I was expected to pick one of our home teams as my favorite, and the other as my least favorite. Love the Sox, hate the Cubs, or vice versa. I never did hate the Cubs though. Two of my brothers and my mother were Cub fans, and most of my friends were as well. Now as you probably know, the Cubs had similar results as the White Sox did. Known as the lovable losers, the Cubs were the "Nice guys" who finished last. Until 2003, when they were within 5 outs of making it to the World Series. Then, the unthinkable happened. They blew it. If you want to know more, click that link. For the benefit of my Cub fan friends, I won't go into detail here. Let's just say that I hurt for my brothers and friends after what happened. I hurt for the fan who played a part in the collapse, whether it was his fault or not (I say not, but that's a story for another day). It was sad.

    Then, 2004 happened. The Red Sox, my aforementioned 2nd favorite team, beat the Yankees, my most hated team, by winning four straight after being down three games to zip, a feat that had never been accomplished in Major League history. They went on to sweep the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series, breaking an 85 year drought. If they could do it, who knows?

    It didn't take long to find out. 2005 was a most wondrous year to be a White Sox fan. They had the best record in baseball from the beginning of the season all the way to the end. They went through the playoffs with 11 wins and just 1 loss, tying the 1999 Yankees record for best winning percentage in this era. By winning the Series, they ended an 87 year drought. I was happy that I got to root my team to a Championship, but mostly, I was happy for my father, who had been a fan of the team since the 1940's and had never before gotten to see this...

I broke down and cried with joy for my Daddy when this was happening.

    2016. You may have heard, but I'll tell you anyway. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series. It had looked like they were going to blow it for a bit, but they did it in dramatic fashion, ending their own 108 year Championship drought. Even though I lost a bet on them winning it all, I was happy for so many people that I'd grown up with getting to see their Cubbies take home the big trophy. My friends will attest that I was not remotely unhappy as many of my fellow Sox fans were. I was thrilled for my brothers, one of whom was probably near a heart attack while watching these games.

    That's over. I've heard lots of cockiness coming from Cub fans lately. Granted, mostly just on social media, but still. I read on a bulletin board that the Sox WS win was so long ago that it doesn't even count anymore. Right. And if the Cubs had won in 2003 and the Sox had won 2 years ago (same time difference) would you have said that the Cubs win didn't count anymore? I don't think so. Nope. I'm done rooting for the Cubs. They won't ever overtake the Yankees as my least favorite team, but now that you've gotten your Curse of the Billy Goat out of your system, I kind of hope you don't win another Series for 40 years. Is that terrible? Yeah, a little. Don't care.

Congrats on the World Series win.

Never do it again!

Snarky




   

Monday, March 27, 2017

I'm Sorry, What?


    A few years ago, one of the young Snarkys was working in a call center for a major mobile phone provider. I didn't want one. A cell phone, that is. I didn't want a call center either, but that's beside the point. She said, "I can get you a phone and a line practically for free!" It didn't take too much arm twisting, and the next thing you knew, I had a smart phone. I was happy, but at the same time very UNhappy about it.

    For one thing, I hated the idea of anyone being able to reach me at any time. I like some quiet time. EVERY DAY. My brain needs it. My soul needs it. It's good for me to recharge and helps me feel more creative. The second, much bigger factor was this - I know myself... very well in fact. I've had hand held video games, TV video games, Computer games, all of which I've been addicted to at one time or another. I grew up plopping quarters galore into arcade games. I have a bit of a problem.

Just one more game, and I'm going to bed. I gotta beat this level!

    I don't play games like that any more because I know I'll develop a problem again. I get too wrapped up in them and will ignore everything else I'm supposed to do. But what do you know? The phone has games you can get for free! Oh, that's great!

Yeah, maybe NOT so great.

    So I downloaded and played most of the major phone games for a while, and it was fun, but I'm surprised Mrs. Snarky didn't divorce me, or at least hide my phone from me. I've given most of the games up, but I am still one of those guys who I didn't want to be. You know the one. You can't ever have a real conversation with him/her because they are constantly checking their phone.

Ouch! 

    I try not to be "THAT GUY" but it's hard. I hate it.  But there's always news and sports scores and oh yeah, checking how many hits last night's blog post had, and going through to make sure you saw what's going on on Facebook and Twitter and maybe my favorite YouTubers have put up new videos and I need to... I need to put down the damned phone and just enjoy my life for a little while. Jeeeeez!

I think I'm gonna sit down and talk with Mrs. Snarky before bed.

Right after I check my fantasy Hockey team.

Oh, and see if there's any notifications on Facebook and...

Oh crap. Here we go again.

 I'm sorry, what? I was checking something.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

The Lost Weekend


    I used to hate Sunday nights. I'd start getting bummed after dinner just knowing I had to get up at 6:00 in the morning and get ready for work. Now that I'm older, and not working a regular Monday through Friday job, I actually don't mind that I have work in the morning. For one thing, I don't start until 9:00, and another, I don't have an hour plus commute each way. It's more like 5 minutes. 6 minutes if I get a slowpoke in front of me. I'm not sure why I got so down about it though. I really liked my work and made tons of friends there. I think the thought of another week of the grind bothered me more than the actual working did.

    The reason I bring this up is, I work tomorrow after having the last three days off. The last three days have been so non-productive for me, I'm a little upset with myself. I did get the mower started though. The problem is, like I said a couple days ago, it's raining non-stop.

Beautiful, isn't it? Unfortunately, it's my front yard.

    So what did I accomplish over the three days? Well, two naps... umm... watched some basketball and hockey and a couple of movies. Watched the new Dave Chappelle specials on Netflix. If you've heard about how offensive it is, well, let me put it this way... It's DAVE CHAPPELLE. Of course it's offensive. If you are offended by race jokes, homosexual jokes, fat jokes, dick jokes, sex jokes, the N word, and curse words in general, don't watch. I get it that people don't like some of the things he said about rape... in point of fact they HATE what he said, which is understandable, especially to rape victims... but it's Dave Chappelle. Do you know how to tell when Chappelle is going to say something offensive? When he opens his mouth, you know.

    I cannot be more clear... easily offended? Understandable, but don't watch Dave Chappelle.

     Watch Brian Regan instead. Brian is the funniest, clean comic I've ever seen. I once thought I heard him say "My ass." I was wrong. He said, "My eyes."  Seriously... YouTube the guy, watch him on Netflix, check him out on Jerry Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. He's my favorite. Here's a short video of his.


It's only a minute long. Give it a shot

    MRS. S and I have seen him live, 3 times. He can do it without offending anyone, but that's his style. He makes fun of himself, and he's great at it. 

    But that's about all I did this weekend. I took enough time off to get my head screwed on straight again, so there's that. I dunno. Oh, yeah. I vacuumed the house today. Yay me!

It's exhausting just thinking about it.
Hope you all had a wonderful weekend.
Snarky

    

Saturday, March 25, 2017

10,000 Channels and Nothing's On


    Earlier today, before the Blackhawks got throttled 7-0 (Ouch) and before the Ducks made their first Final Four since 1939 (Sweet!), Mrs. Snarky and I were skimming through the DirecTV guide trying to find something to kill an hour with before the Hawks game. It's truly hard to believe there is that much crap on television, and we seem to get more and more channels every day. The worst offenders, at least in my estimation, are the channels that play different episodes of the same show over and over, all day long. Ion Television, for instance, had nothing but Law and Order SVU all day, which is an okay show to watch once in a while, but ALL DAY LONG?  If I were to watch more than two episodes in a row, I think I'd become convinced that everyone in the world is a rapist.

Holy crap! They are after me!

    Another channel had America's Funniest Home Videos... ALL DAY LONG. 5 minutes of that show and I'm ready to vomit. Yeah, they have something to make me laugh on occasion, but the stupid shit they have the host say makes it completely not worth watching for me. Blech! GSN has the Family Feud. That's right. You guessed it. ALL DAY LONG!

I'm your man Steve Harvey and we got a good one for ya today. Holy Crap, he says that A LOT!

    Another Channel called Reelz had different celebrities "Final Hours" and autopsies. Chris Farley's Final Hours. Phillip Seymour Hoffman's Final hours. Seriously? Do people watch this stuff? Then, we got into the infomercial area of the guide. "The One Secret to a Flat Stomach!" Yes! I need that! But then they'd probably tell me that the secret is to not eat junk food and get some exercise. Oh, and probably you have to buy some crunch thing they are selling for just four easy payments of 19.95. Never mind. Then, we saw it. "The World's Greatest Wheelbarrow!" We both started laughing immediately. It's a wheelbarrow, right? What could be so great about it? Does it plant new grass seed and get you a beer out of the fridge? Maybe it has a cooler built into it. I can't imagine what could be so great. Until I just looked it up on Google.
Holy Crap! I might actually need this.

That is all.
 LOVE, MR. SNARKY

For Extra Fun, Watch this video (NSFW)



Friday, March 24, 2017

Oh Death and Grief and Sorrow and Murder


    Here it is, a day later and I'm feeling much better. Not 100% myself, but there's nothing like a funeral, followed by one of your favorite movies, followed by a long nap to help bring you back toward your version of normality. The funeral was a former coworker who'd been retired for about 5 years. I can't say we were close, but he was a nice man, I had the day off, it was right down the street from me, and I knew lots of people there.

    I did reaffirm one long held belief of mine by going to that funeral. I could NEVER be a Catholic. I mean no disrespect to the faith whatsoever. There are many things about Catholicism that I find beautiful. I just don't get the hard pews. SO UNCOMFORTABLE! With my back, that was a very long hour. Fortunately, you don't get to stand or sit very long at a Catholic service. Stand up, sit down, kneel, then stand, then sit again.

Am I the only one who goes to a funeral and thinks, "It's kind of nice to not be dead?"

    So I came home, got back into my pajamas just after lunch, and really took the day off. I told myself, "I'm not doing anything today," which is hard for some people, as it is for me if I'm feeling fine. So I put on "Almost Famous" and relaxed.



    Tomorrow and Sunday are both days off for me, and I plan on getting some things done around here. Unfortunately, after checking out the weather report, mowing the lawn probably won't be one of them.

If you could read this, you'd see rain, followed by more rain, then after that, yeah... RAIN!

    Thank you to all of you who continue to read every day; especially those who read the post from 2 days ago, even though I never posted a link. You made this Snarky old man happy.

LOVE,
You know who!
 



Thursday, March 23, 2017

The Fog


    I haven't laughed, or made anyone laugh today. Not once that I can remember. Yesterday either. Maybe, just maybe Mrs. Snarky laughed at something I said, but she's always laughing at me. In a good way, although since becoming an adult, I don't really mind if people laugh at me. Makes me feel good that I've made them giggle, even if they are laughing AT me instead of with me.

    Today, and yesterday, not so much. Not at all, if I'm being real. For some reason, real is all I've got right now. I hope you don't mind. I have a bit of depression. Always have, always will. It's never been enough to make me want to jump off a bridge or anything, but it makes me withdraw.

    Every other Thursday, six to seven of our family members get together and have a writing/ creativity group. When I'm feeling it, I love it. We share stories, have dinner and have a lot of laughs. Depression doesn't mean sadness, although it can be a small part of it. For me, it's more of an emptiness that makes me shrink back into my head and hide. It's a feeling of inadequacy, even though I know that plenty of people care about me. It is also straight up pain. I don't know if the pain causes the depression or vice versa, but they kind of go hand in hand. I felt withdrawn and incapable of creativity tonight. I just remembered... I did make them laugh once, but I think it was just because they expected it to be funny. If I were in a good state of mind, maybe it would've been.

My mind feels something like this picture... foggy and barren, and it seems that spring will...

    ...never come, and yet, I know better than to let it consume me. Tomorrow I may feel on top of the world. The sun could be shining, my favorite music playing and I'm driving with the sunroof open down the Pacific Coast Highway. It's beautiful. Stunning even. Just not now. I really don't want to do anything but crawl into bed. Hide. From you. From my closest loved ones. From myself. Just... hide.

    At work, I smiled and said hello to friends and strangers alike. I put on my happy face. But it isn't real. It's a mask. I'm nervous to share this with people. I don't think I've ever gone into this much depth about it with anyone. Not ever. I hope you don't mind.

    Just so you know, I'm not asking for help or sympathy. It's just something I deal with from time to time. And I know I'm not alone. I also know that I'm supposed to be funny in my posts, and that makes me feel like I'm not doing my job when I write this. I've got the entire day off tomorrow, so I'll try to get some sleep and hope I'm feeling better.

    One last thing before I go. You are also not alone if you have feelings like this. It's okay. Ask for help if you need it. Figure out some way to let it out, and don't let it eat you up inside. You are loved. You are important. You matter.

Be well.

Love, Me

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

I Got Nuttin'


    I'm sitting here at my keyboard half asleep with a blank white screen and a mind just as empty. I'm just gonna keep it really short and sweet this evening, because, as I said once before, I promised to post something every night. I didn't promise it'd be anything good. Don't worry, I won't even share the link. I'm curious to see if anyone reads this or not.

    Before I go, here's a few Dad jokes.

    Did you hear about the guy who invented Altoids? They say he made a mint.

    Did you hear that the police have a warrant out for a midget psychic who keeps ripping people off? The notice reads, "Small medium at large."

    What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.

    I went to the zoo the other day, but it only had one dog in it. I was a shitzu.

Get it? 

It was a shit zoo (Shitzu)

Ahh, what do you know from funny?

I'm Out, 

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!!!


    I guess this is my week for picking on coworkers, but something happened today that I just absolutely found unbelievable. The person of which I speak is in her late 50's or early 60's, and has never, at least not to my knowledge, lived in a cave. You won't believe this, but she had never heard of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." I know, crazy, right? I had done something for her and she said "Danke Shoen," and then proceeded to sing it. She asked me if I knew who sang the song and before I'd even had a chance to answer, she said, "Wayne Newton!" I replied, "Ferris Bueller sang it too." Then she said...

Wait, who?

    I said, "Ferris Bueller. You know... from Ferris Bueller's Day Off?"

    "I don't think I've ever heard of that. What is it?"

Inconceivable!

    So this made me wonder if some of my readers had missed out on some of the greatest movies of my generation. I would absolutely qualify Ferris Bueller in that list. "What list?" you ask? This list...

Mr. Snarky's Friggin Movie List

Snarky says, "If you ain't seen these movies, there's something wrong witchoo."

 This is NOT a comprehensive list of every movie you should watch, or even my top movies or anything. It's just stuff that I feel that everyone should see at some point. These are all from the 80's and are in no particular order.

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" - The movie that made Matthew Broderick a star, also has a young Charlie Sheen cameo. A classic of my time.

"The Breakfast Club" - As Jay said in Dogma, "Judd Nelson was fucking HARSH!" Yes he was, Jay. Yes. He. Was.

"Fast Times at Ridgemont High" - Jeff Spicoli is amazing. That's all I can say.

Who would've guessed that this guy would end up with a pair of best actor academy awards one day?



"The Princess Bride" - Now, I know that not everyone gets this movie. Kind of like I don't get "This is Spinal Tap." I've had people tell me it was boring. I simply say to them, "You're boring!"

Any or all of the following - "48 Hrs.," "Beverly Hills Cop," "Coming to America." There was a time when Eddie Murphy was the funniest man alive, hands down. These are, in my opinion, his three best.

Finally, I'll go with "Caddyshack." Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield. Hilarity ensues. No, it's not the greatest movie ever, and maybe not even the funniest Bill Murray movie. But there's
something about it that just feels like my generation. Also, it was the first movie I'd seen in the theater with boobs! 

So it's got THAT goin' for it... which is nice.
 Gotta go!

Let me know what you think.

Down there.

In the comments section.

Yeah, there.

Mr. Snarky

Monday, March 20, 2017

Happy Flippin' Monday To You Too


    Having a one day weekend sucks. It especially sucks when the one day you have off turns out like mine did yesterday. (click here if you missed yesterday's post) So of course, I woke up in a terrific mood. (If you were unaware, bold italics = sarcasm) By the time I'd gotten my coffee and walked into work, the mood hadn't really improved, but I was as ready to face the day as I could get myself. Now, I'm not naming names, (FEZ!!!) but we had a short-term employee whose last day was yesterday. He's a younger guy, who is going to school and was going to be working with us for a while, but schedule changes forced him to quit. I liked the kid. As in past tense. I USED TO LIKE HIM. GRRRR!!!!

   
I had planned on showing some medieval torture device I would use on the guy but I found the images unsuitable for our younger readers and didn't want to get a PG-13 rating. Suffice it to say that you'd hate it, Fez.

    Now, you may be asking yourself, "Self, why is Mr. Snarky so angry with this Fez person so much today?" and Mr. Snarky might say, "Be patient. I'll get to it. Gosh!"

    I get to my work station and immediately I hear loud chirping noises. We have these birds for sale  that chirp when their motion detector is activated. I pretty much hate them, but I really hate when someone hides them where I won't be able to easily find them when I'm half asleep on Monday morning! The chirping continues and I go to open my drawer and find that it's taped shut. On my counter is a penny. Super-glued. I go to another workstation and that one starts chirping! And all around are little signs that say "FEZ WAS HERE!" And I'm thinking to myself, you're lucky you're not here now, pal!

No, Dr. Who. Fezzes are NOT cool. And anyway, I'm pretty sure he was named after this other Fez...

This one is not all that cool either.


    So, Fezbo the clown, this post is for you. You best watch your step if ever we see each other again. I'll get you back. I promise. (The following video is NSFW - explicit lyrics)


Much Love to You All.... except for Fez.

Okay, fine. Him too. I don't hold grudges.

SNARKY

Sunday, March 19, 2017

The Perfect Day


    You know that feeling after a good day when you've gotten all the things done that you had planned, and life seems to be going just perfectly? You do? Well then, I kind of hate you. Not actual hate, I guess. Just very jealous. Mr. Snarky NEVER has those kinds of days. I hate to admit this, but I'm not extremely handy. I can get by; I'm not totally incompetent when it comes to fixing things, but I definitely not a master handyman either.

    For instance, we bought a new stereo for our car a couple of weeks ago. The one in the car is completely dead. It was an aftermarket stereo, so I figured it wouldn't be that tough to switch. You know, just unplug a couple of wires from one, stick 'em into the other, and voila! Yeah... no. First off, the pins from one don't match the other, so you've got to disconnect each wire from one and solder them onto the other. It looks something like this...

It's really simple. You just attach the yellow wire to the opposite yellow wire, making sure to... 

    Then there's the stereo installation kit, which you use to make the system fit snugly into your dashboard. The biggest problem I had with this was opening the package. It was in one of those plastic nightmares that are practically indestructible. I was trying to keep the package fairly nice in case it wasn't the correct kit and I'd need to return it. I failed miserably, and after about 5 minutes, I went into the kitchen, grabbed a steak knife, and hacked the stupid thing into oblivion. Then I went back out to the car, pulled the old unit out of the dash, opened my new stereo, and then saw that it would take a lot more than just unplugging from one and putting it back into the other. So I did what Homer Simpson would do.

"If it's too hard, just quit!"

    That's right. I gave up. I have kids and/or a nephew that would probably be glad to help me, or, there's always Car Toys. So I decided to do this other thing I've needed to get done for a while. Mow the lawn. Now, in Oregon where we live, it rains mostly all winter long. Sometime in March or April, the rain stops and it stays mostly sunny and nice for 5 or 6 months. Somehow, every fall, I manage to not get the lawn mowed nice and short before the rains start. Every other house on our block did just fine. Not me. The grass on the side of the house looks like a green hay field. We've had a few sporadic days of nice weather here over the last few weeks, but the rest of the time, pretty heavy rains. Every nice day we've had, I've been at work. My off days... not so nice. Until today. After my disappointment with the stereo, I went straight for the garage, pulled my nice, expensive, five-year-old Toro out. I gassed her up, pulled the rope... pulled it again... and again... about 100 times... and the damned thing wouldn't start.

   
And this was on TV. I was doomed.

    So then I get inside the house and I'm watching the end of the Hockey game, and meanwhile Mrs. Snarky has taken apart the entire bathroom, scrubbed everything, put it back together, repotted a couple of houseplants, finished the laundry and made dinner. When she was done, she could barely walk because her back was hurting her, but she wasn't quitting. Made me feel like a real bum. Whattaya gonna do? I got nothin'.

Try again tomorrow I guess.
Snarky

Saturday, March 18, 2017

I'm Living in a Bad, Old Sitcom


    I swear, the thing I'm going to tell you about tonight has happened on dozens of old TV comedies, with the main difference being that in the end, what they thought had happened actually hadn't. That was a very awkward sentence, but you'll get over it.

   On February 29th, 2004, Mrs. Snarky and I were married. In our living room. By one of our neighbors. Let's take those statements one at a time. Yes, I realize that February 29th only happens every four years. We decided that in non-leap years, we'd take our anniversary on the 28th, or March 1st, depending on which day looked better. If the 28th was on Friday, then the 1st would likely be better since it fell on the weekend. In leap years, we pledged to do a little something extra. A special anniversary every four years. It's worked out quite well so far. 

    Next. We got married in our living room in front of our three children who lived with us at the time. Also, Mrs. Snarky's sister, and if I remember correctly, two of her her kids came. That's it. We didn't want to make a big deal of it, not because we took it lightly, but because, in our eyes, we'd been married since the day I moved to Oregon and merged our families. We'd each been married once before, and felt no need to spend a fortune to pledge our love in front of the whole world.

   Finally, our neighbor was an ordained minister and good friend. He agreed to join us together and let no man put asunder and all that other stuff. He then pronounced us Man and Wife... which is weird, because I was already a Man... why isn't it Husband and Wife?

We were just like these two, only just a little happier

    So, we were married for several years before Mrs. Snarky finally decided to make it official and change her name on her driver's license, because of course she waited because that's what we do. Nothing is EVER simple for us. There's gotta be some kind of ordeal involved, usually because we didn't do what we were supposed to do.

    DMV tells her that she has to go to the bureau of vital statistics and get a copy of our marriage certificate. We go there together, probably 6 months later because, again, this is what we do. Wait in the line, which I believe is required by law at all government offices, regardless of how small and insignificant the office happens to be. I think they might have people on the payroll who wait in the offices for an actual customer to come in, and then they pretend they've been waiting in line for the important service this office provides. Finally, we reach the head of the line and give the clerk our information, and request the copy of the marriage certificate. After several attempts to pull us up on her computer screen, and several faces made by said clerk at said computer screen, she let us in on our dirty little secret. According to the state of Oregon, we are not married. She sees a marriage license issued, but no record of the marriage actually occurring.

   
At least when these two thought they weren't married, they had separate beds

    I was shocked. It meant that I'd been living in sin! It meant that I had 4 illegitimate step-children. It made my children illegitimate for Mrs. Snarky. WAIT A MINUTE! She's not even Mrs. Snarky!!! Oh, the humanity! My entire life for the last 13 years has been a lie!

    Well, that happened about a year ago. Maybe longer. I don't know. Because of course it did. Waiting is what we do. I've actually been into the office on three separate occasions, but the person who handles this sort of thing (maybe it happens more than I think it should?) is out of the office and "Will call you back," which he or she (I can't remember) never does. So, I'm still living in sin. I guess I'm okay with that. Nobody better call our kids bad names over this or I'll have to find them and beat them up.

You've been warned.
 
 Me


Friday, March 17, 2017

Basketball, Beauty and a Beast


    Happy March Madness, everybody. Or, as Snarky Rachel would say, "Yay, SPORTS!" What she'd mean by that is, "Oh my gosh Daddio, are you really watching sports again?" and I'd say something like, "I only watch sports during Baseball, Hockey, Football, and Basketball season. Oh, yeah, and Golf... and sometimes there's the Olympics." I never learned to like NASCAR or Soccer though. I've tried them both a few times. NASCAR bores me to no end. For those of you who love it, sorry. I mean no disrespect. It's just not my thing.  As far as soccer, one time I turned on the game, I think the U.S. was playing some South American country but I forget which one, but what was amazing was, the U.S. actually scored a goal within five minutes of me turning it on the TV. It was incredible. At least that was what the announcer said. I was channel surfing within another five minutes. Sorry Soccer fans. Not my thing either.

Yes! Australian Rules Football! Now THERE'S excitement!


    For those of you who couldn't care a lick about sports like my Rachel, you might want to skip down two paragraphs. Either that, or just skim through them.

    Back to March Madness... the NCAA basketball tournament. I used to love it. It was one of the highlights of the Sports year for me. You'd sit down on Sunday and watch the selection show, taking note of where and when your favorite team was playing, hoping that you wouldn't have to call in sick to work again this year because maybe they were onto you. You bought the paper as soon as possible on Monday morning to look over those brackets and wonder, could this be the year you won the big pool at work? Here's part of the problem for me... up until a few years ago, you had until Thursday to study and waver back and forth on some of your picks. Now the tournament starts on Tuesday for 8 of the teams. These days most pools still wait until Thursday morning before you have to fill out your bracket and turn it in, but somehow, in my eyes, these extra teams have made it harder for me to be interested.

    "You? Not interested in a major sporting event?" you might ask. And I'd reply, "I'm not, not interested. I'm just not AS interested." There are still some great upsets and buzzer beaters that occur every year in this thing, and the drama is much more captivating than the NBA, in my opinion. I did love watching Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen and the rest of those great Bulls teams, but the NBA is mostly a yawn for me these days. Anyway, I made my picks and so far, I'm leading my son's pool, but it's small and there's no money involved. Back in the 80's and 90's, I used to work on a large trading floor. The tournament pools were HUGE. Hundreds of people would get in on them. To win one of those was a big deal. Maybe the fact that I'm no longer involved in those is part of the lower interest for me as well.

   
I won't say what trading floor... but its initials were CBOE

    HERE RACHEL. START READING AGAIN RIGHT HERE.
  
    So tonight we went to see Beauty and the Beast in the movie theater. I was only mildly interested in watching, but several of the ladies in the family were excited, so I decided to go along. I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoyed it very much. Many of the lines were exactly the same as the animated film, songs included, and many new lines  and songs were added. I thought they did a wonderful job, and as a Harry Potter fan, it was cool to see Emma Watson in a different role.

    Now, I've promised that I wouldn't get political here. I'm treading as lightly as I can. There has been a bit of controversy over the fact that LeFou is portrayed as openly gay in this film. I get that some people want to limit their children's exposure to things of this nature, while others don't feel it is anything to worry about. For those of you in the first group, first, know that I am not judging you AT ALL. What you feel your kids should be allowed to see and not allowed to see is your business and yours alone. Not mine, or anyone else's. That said, I felt that the uproar over this character is unfounded. It was very minor, only mildly suggested, and most children will not even notice it. This is a very child friendly film. If I remember right, the Disney cartoon had some scenes of blood and gore. This had only suggestions of it. I hope you go see it.


Th Thi The Th That's All Folks!

Snarky


And The Beast