Monday, March 27, 2017

I'm Sorry, What?


    A few years ago, one of the young Snarkys was working in a call center for a major mobile phone provider. I didn't want one. A cell phone, that is. I didn't want a call center either, but that's beside the point. She said, "I can get you a phone and a line practically for free!" It didn't take too much arm twisting, and the next thing you knew, I had a smart phone. I was happy, but at the same time very UNhappy about it.

    For one thing, I hated the idea of anyone being able to reach me at any time. I like some quiet time. EVERY DAY. My brain needs it. My soul needs it. It's good for me to recharge and helps me feel more creative. The second, much bigger factor was this - I know myself... very well in fact. I've had hand held video games, TV video games, Computer games, all of which I've been addicted to at one time or another. I grew up plopping quarters galore into arcade games. I have a bit of a problem.

Just one more game, and I'm going to bed. I gotta beat this level!

    I don't play games like that any more because I know I'll develop a problem again. I get too wrapped up in them and will ignore everything else I'm supposed to do. But what do you know? The phone has games you can get for free! Oh, that's great!

Yeah, maybe NOT so great.

    So I downloaded and played most of the major phone games for a while, and it was fun, but I'm surprised Mrs. Snarky didn't divorce me, or at least hide my phone from me. I've given most of the games up, but I am still one of those guys who I didn't want to be. You know the one. You can't ever have a real conversation with him/her because they are constantly checking their phone.

Ouch! 

    I try not to be "THAT GUY" but it's hard. I hate it.  But there's always news and sports scores and oh yeah, checking how many hits last night's blog post had, and going through to make sure you saw what's going on on Facebook and Twitter and maybe my favorite YouTubers have put up new videos and I need to... I need to put down the damned phone and just enjoy my life for a little while. Jeeeeez!

I think I'm gonna sit down and talk with Mrs. Snarky before bed.

Right after I check my fantasy Hockey team.

Oh, and see if there's any notifications on Facebook and...

Oh crap. Here we go again.

 I'm sorry, what? I was checking something.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

The Lost Weekend


    I used to hate Sunday nights. I'd start getting bummed after dinner just knowing I had to get up at 6:00 in the morning and get ready for work. Now that I'm older, and not working a regular Monday through Friday job, I actually don't mind that I have work in the morning. For one thing, I don't start until 9:00, and another, I don't have an hour plus commute each way. It's more like 5 minutes. 6 minutes if I get a slowpoke in front of me. I'm not sure why I got so down about it though. I really liked my work and made tons of friends there. I think the thought of another week of the grind bothered me more than the actual working did.

    The reason I bring this up is, I work tomorrow after having the last three days off. The last three days have been so non-productive for me, I'm a little upset with myself. I did get the mower started though. The problem is, like I said a couple days ago, it's raining non-stop.

Beautiful, isn't it? Unfortunately, it's my front yard.

    So what did I accomplish over the three days? Well, two naps... umm... watched some basketball and hockey and a couple of movies. Watched the new Dave Chappelle specials on Netflix. If you've heard about how offensive it is, well, let me put it this way... It's DAVE CHAPPELLE. Of course it's offensive. If you are offended by race jokes, homosexual jokes, fat jokes, dick jokes, sex jokes, the N word, and curse words in general, don't watch. I get it that people don't like some of the things he said about rape... in point of fact they HATE what he said, which is understandable, especially to rape victims... but it's Dave Chappelle. Do you know how to tell when Chappelle is going to say something offensive? When he opens his mouth, you know.

    I cannot be more clear... easily offended? Understandable, but don't watch Dave Chappelle.

     Watch Brian Regan instead. Brian is the funniest, clean comic I've ever seen. I once thought I heard him say "My ass." I was wrong. He said, "My eyes."  Seriously... YouTube the guy, watch him on Netflix, check him out on Jerry Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. He's my favorite. Here's a short video of his.


It's only a minute long. Give it a shot

    MRS. S and I have seen him live, 3 times. He can do it without offending anyone, but that's his style. He makes fun of himself, and he's great at it. 

    But that's about all I did this weekend. I took enough time off to get my head screwed on straight again, so there's that. I dunno. Oh, yeah. I vacuumed the house today. Yay me!

It's exhausting just thinking about it.
Hope you all had a wonderful weekend.
Snarky

    

Saturday, March 25, 2017

10,000 Channels and Nothing's On


    Earlier today, before the Blackhawks got throttled 7-0 (Ouch) and before the Ducks made their first Final Four since 1939 (Sweet!), Mrs. Snarky and I were skimming through the DirecTV guide trying to find something to kill an hour with before the Hawks game. It's truly hard to believe there is that much crap on television, and we seem to get more and more channels every day. The worst offenders, at least in my estimation, are the channels that play different episodes of the same show over and over, all day long. Ion Television, for instance, had nothing but Law and Order SVU all day, which is an okay show to watch once in a while, but ALL DAY LONG?  If I were to watch more than two episodes in a row, I think I'd become convinced that everyone in the world is a rapist.

Holy crap! They are after me!

    Another channel had America's Funniest Home Videos... ALL DAY LONG. 5 minutes of that show and I'm ready to vomit. Yeah, they have something to make me laugh on occasion, but the stupid shit they have the host say makes it completely not worth watching for me. Blech! GSN has the Family Feud. That's right. You guessed it. ALL DAY LONG!

I'm your man Steve Harvey and we got a good one for ya today. Holy Crap, he says that A LOT!

    Another Channel called Reelz had different celebrities "Final Hours" and autopsies. Chris Farley's Final Hours. Phillip Seymour Hoffman's Final hours. Seriously? Do people watch this stuff? Then, we got into the infomercial area of the guide. "The One Secret to a Flat Stomach!" Yes! I need that! But then they'd probably tell me that the secret is to not eat junk food and get some exercise. Oh, and probably you have to buy some crunch thing they are selling for just four easy payments of 19.95. Never mind. Then, we saw it. "The World's Greatest Wheelbarrow!" We both started laughing immediately. It's a wheelbarrow, right? What could be so great about it? Does it plant new grass seed and get you a beer out of the fridge? Maybe it has a cooler built into it. I can't imagine what could be so great. Until I just looked it up on Google.
Holy Crap! I might actually need this.

That is all.
 LOVE, MR. SNARKY

For Extra Fun, Watch this video (NSFW)



Friday, March 24, 2017

Oh Death and Grief and Sorrow and Murder


    Here it is, a day later and I'm feeling much better. Not 100% myself, but there's nothing like a funeral, followed by one of your favorite movies, followed by a long nap to help bring you back toward your version of normality. The funeral was a former coworker who'd been retired for about 5 years. I can't say we were close, but he was a nice man, I had the day off, it was right down the street from me, and I knew lots of people there.

    I did reaffirm one long held belief of mine by going to that funeral. I could NEVER be a Catholic. I mean no disrespect to the faith whatsoever. There are many things about Catholicism that I find beautiful. I just don't get the hard pews. SO UNCOMFORTABLE! With my back, that was a very long hour. Fortunately, you don't get to stand or sit very long at a Catholic service. Stand up, sit down, kneel, then stand, then sit again.

Am I the only one who goes to a funeral and thinks, "It's kind of nice to not be dead?"

    So I came home, got back into my pajamas just after lunch, and really took the day off. I told myself, "I'm not doing anything today," which is hard for some people, as it is for me if I'm feeling fine. So I put on "Almost Famous" and relaxed.



    Tomorrow and Sunday are both days off for me, and I plan on getting some things done around here. Unfortunately, after checking out the weather report, mowing the lawn probably won't be one of them.

If you could read this, you'd see rain, followed by more rain, then after that, yeah... RAIN!

    Thank you to all of you who continue to read every day; especially those who read the post from 2 days ago, even though I never posted a link. You made this Snarky old man happy.

LOVE,
You know who!
 



Thursday, March 23, 2017

The Fog


    I haven't laughed, or made anyone laugh today. Not once that I can remember. Yesterday either. Maybe, just maybe Mrs. Snarky laughed at something I said, but she's always laughing at me. In a good way, although since becoming an adult, I don't really mind if people laugh at me. Makes me feel good that I've made them giggle, even if they are laughing AT me instead of with me.

    Today, and yesterday, not so much. Not at all, if I'm being real. For some reason, real is all I've got right now. I hope you don't mind. I have a bit of depression. Always have, always will. It's never been enough to make me want to jump off a bridge or anything, but it makes me withdraw.

    Every other Thursday, six to seven of our family members get together and have a writing/ creativity group. When I'm feeling it, I love it. We share stories, have dinner and have a lot of laughs. Depression doesn't mean sadness, although it can be a small part of it. For me, it's more of an emptiness that makes me shrink back into my head and hide. It's a feeling of inadequacy, even though I know that plenty of people care about me. It is also straight up pain. I don't know if the pain causes the depression or vice versa, but they kind of go hand in hand. I felt withdrawn and incapable of creativity tonight. I just remembered... I did make them laugh once, but I think it was just because they expected it to be funny. If I were in a good state of mind, maybe it would've been.

My mind feels something like this picture... foggy and barren, and it seems that spring will...

    ...never come, and yet, I know better than to let it consume me. Tomorrow I may feel on top of the world. The sun could be shining, my favorite music playing and I'm driving with the sunroof open down the Pacific Coast Highway. It's beautiful. Stunning even. Just not now. I really don't want to do anything but crawl into bed. Hide. From you. From my closest loved ones. From myself. Just... hide.

    At work, I smiled and said hello to friends and strangers alike. I put on my happy face. But it isn't real. It's a mask. I'm nervous to share this with people. I don't think I've ever gone into this much depth about it with anyone. Not ever. I hope you don't mind.

    Just so you know, I'm not asking for help or sympathy. It's just something I deal with from time to time. And I know I'm not alone. I also know that I'm supposed to be funny in my posts, and that makes me feel like I'm not doing my job when I write this. I've got the entire day off tomorrow, so I'll try to get some sleep and hope I'm feeling better.

    One last thing before I go. You are also not alone if you have feelings like this. It's okay. Ask for help if you need it. Figure out some way to let it out, and don't let it eat you up inside. You are loved. You are important. You matter.

Be well.

Love, Me

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

I Got Nuttin'


    I'm sitting here at my keyboard half asleep with a blank white screen and a mind just as empty. I'm just gonna keep it really short and sweet this evening, because, as I said once before, I promised to post something every night. I didn't promise it'd be anything good. Don't worry, I won't even share the link. I'm curious to see if anyone reads this or not.

    Before I go, here's a few Dad jokes.

    Did you hear about the guy who invented Altoids? They say he made a mint.

    Did you hear that the police have a warrant out for a midget psychic who keeps ripping people off? The notice reads, "Small medium at large."

    What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.

    I went to the zoo the other day, but it only had one dog in it. I was a shitzu.

Get it? 

It was a shit zoo (Shitzu)

Ahh, what do you know from funny?

I'm Out, 

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!!!


    I guess this is my week for picking on coworkers, but something happened today that I just absolutely found unbelievable. The person of which I speak is in her late 50's or early 60's, and has never, at least not to my knowledge, lived in a cave. You won't believe this, but she had never heard of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." I know, crazy, right? I had done something for her and she said "Danke Shoen," and then proceeded to sing it. She asked me if I knew who sang the song and before I'd even had a chance to answer, she said, "Wayne Newton!" I replied, "Ferris Bueller sang it too." Then she said...

Wait, who?

    I said, "Ferris Bueller. You know... from Ferris Bueller's Day Off?"

    "I don't think I've ever heard of that. What is it?"

Inconceivable!

    So this made me wonder if some of my readers had missed out on some of the greatest movies of my generation. I would absolutely qualify Ferris Bueller in that list. "What list?" you ask? This list...

Mr. Snarky's Friggin Movie List

Snarky says, "If you ain't seen these movies, there's something wrong witchoo."

 This is NOT a comprehensive list of every movie you should watch, or even my top movies or anything. It's just stuff that I feel that everyone should see at some point. These are all from the 80's and are in no particular order.

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" - The movie that made Matthew Broderick a star, also has a young Charlie Sheen cameo. A classic of my time.

"The Breakfast Club" - As Jay said in Dogma, "Judd Nelson was fucking HARSH!" Yes he was, Jay. Yes. He. Was.

"Fast Times at Ridgemont High" - Jeff Spicoli is amazing. That's all I can say.

Who would've guessed that this guy would end up with a pair of best actor academy awards one day?



"The Princess Bride" - Now, I know that not everyone gets this movie. Kind of like I don't get "This is Spinal Tap." I've had people tell me it was boring. I simply say to them, "You're boring!"

Any or all of the following - "48 Hrs.," "Beverly Hills Cop," "Coming to America." There was a time when Eddie Murphy was the funniest man alive, hands down. These are, in my opinion, his three best.

Finally, I'll go with "Caddyshack." Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield. Hilarity ensues. No, it's not the greatest movie ever, and maybe not even the funniest Bill Murray movie. But there's
something about it that just feels like my generation. Also, it was the first movie I'd seen in the theater with boobs! 

So it's got THAT goin' for it... which is nice.
 Gotta go!

Let me know what you think.

Down there.

In the comments section.

Yeah, there.

Mr. Snarky