Tuesday, November 22, 2011

How Blogging Gave Me A.D.H.D.

     I'm agitated.  I'm not gonna lie or sugar-coat it.  I opened my laptop after waking from a flu-induced nap in hopes that I would find some great and simple ideas for Christmas.  Now, I'm jittery, my shoulders hurt, I think my left eyeball is hanging out of it's socket and I want to stick a whole pack of smokes in my mouth and just light it up.

Oh, I found some ideas.  I typed  "Free Vintage Christmas Clip-art" in Google and selected this site:  Vintage Holiday Crafts.  This little guy caught my eye instantly:

Is he not just ADORABLE??!!!  I then did the polite and legal thing and read the terms of use.  WHY are the terms of use so freaking annoying?  Can I use the clip-art or not?  Will I be shot for putting it on one of my Christmas cards to send out to a friend?  What if I create my own cards to sell?  Well, that's fine as long as I don't go over 999 cards.  NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE????  Who has the freaking TIME for that crap???

Oh hey, I could really use an antiqued looking ticket stub to create a new "Grab my Button" button.  Google... antique ticket stub.  Scroll, scroll, GOT IT!  Graphics Fairy eh?  Okay, saved my ticket, browsing Graphics Fairy's site.  13,310 followers?  What the heck?  Guess I'd better delve in and see what all the hullabaloo is all about.  Wow.... great clip art.  Up to date blog.  Lots of extra links to follow.  Damnit, that one caught my eye.  No ugly ornaments challenge.

Ahhhhhh-mannnn.   She's posted a youtube video with her kids making crafts.  Well, I have to watch THAT. Some kind of paper Christmas ornament they found on Martha Stewart's site.  Did I just click that?  Crap.  10 pages up on Chrome, I've no idea where I started or WHY.

Martha is a goner.  Shut that puppy down after I read her instructions, which made NO FRIGGIN' SENSE AT ALL and went back to the ornament challenge page.  Oh lookie!  She's got a Pinterest link!  click.  Pinterest does NOT pop up.  Instead, I'm invited to take part in a linky that will boost my blog and pinterest accounts with new followers if I am selected because of my creativity and photo taking abilities by three ladies whose accounts I need to link up with and leave comments on before I'm taken seriously.  Seriously????

Argh.  I hit the back button.  Glare at the Pinterest button, and notice RIGHT below it, another button that says Pinterest Christmas Party!!!  Well, I HAVE to click on THAT one!  Pinterest doesn't pop up.  again.  I've been duped.  It's a tutorial on a braided scarf.  How did I get here???  Close that link down.

What in the heck was I trying to do???  My head is stuffed up, there is pressure behind my left eye, I'm scrunching my shoulders in danger of becoming a potato bug and folding in on myself.... and I've no clue what my original reason was for opening the damned laptop.  

Oh wait!  Check out that cool button!  Below it says:   "I have 15 fantastic guest bloggers ready to share some great projects and recipes with you over a 3 week time period."   Oh my gosh.  15 'fantastic' bloggers whose pages I will need to visit because one or all of them might have incredible insight into something I can't live without.

That's when my eyeball fell out.  I'm calling my doctor tomorrow for some ritalin. 

Come on Nyquil, do your stuff!  Get me out of this crazy thing...... called love?

                                                                                             Mrs. Snarky 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Life in Movieland

Have you ever noticed how movie and TV characters can do just about anything? Their skills often amaze me. The other day I was watching a show and one of the guys was a computer genius. He deleted all records of an auction on an E-bay type site and while he was at it, improved his co-worker's credit score and added a few grand to his bank account, all in the space of around 5 minutes. Amazing.

Have you ever tried to pick a lock? 30 seconds flat for these guys. When I break into someone's house it takes at least 5 minutes. What about hot wiring cars? All you gotta do is pull the panel off of the steering column and voila, you're off to the races.

Have you ever fallen off of a cliff or the top of a building and caught yourself on the edge, even when there is really nothing to hang on to? No problem, right? And even easier than that is pulling yourself back up and over. Sure. Piece of cake. Go out and find a high bar that is barely above your fully extended arms, jump up and grab it, and then pull yourself up and over. Not so easy really.

Does everyone out there in the dating world really go to bed on the first date? It sure seems to me that they do... but mostly, they just hook up in bars and go home with a different person every night. That is as long as they look like Ryan Reynolds or Matthew McConaughey. If they wear bad clothes or have a funny mustache, forget it, they will never get laid... that is until they find the really dorky girl (who is actually gorgeous, but is covering it up with her bad glasses and her hair up) and then they get married first, because that is what dorky girls do. Very realistic, no?

How come bad guys can never shoot very well? Do they not practice enough? They never ever hit the good guy and only occasionally hit his partner. Maybe they go to bad-guy shooting school.

The very worst part of living in movieland is this: if you cough more than once, you will not be living very long. Time and time again I've seen where the main character's father or his friend coughs and there is a short little look of concern, the cougher says, "it's nothing" and within ten minutes of film time, he's on his death bed, or has already kicked the bucket.

Cough. I Love you guys. Cough. Uh oh.
Hope I'm alive long enough to post again soon.