There's nothing worse than....

... a dead battery. Huh? A commercial I saw the other day told me that. Seriously? NOTHING WORSE?!? You've got to be kidding me. I could probably think of {TEN THOUSAND} things that are worse than a dead battery. Cancer for instance. That's worse. That's WAY worse. Maybe if they said, " There's nothing worse than a dead battery when you're on the south side of Chicago at 3 am, drunk as hell, carrying 22 grand that was closer to 30 grand a few hours earlier and you were supposed to have given the whole 30 to your "Uncle Guido", who is rumored to have dumped somewhere in the neighborhood of 13 bodies in a swamp out in the western suburbs over the last seven years. True, there probably is nothing worse than that, as I can tell you from experience. Which is why I moved halfway across the country and am now disguised as Mr. Snarky. But that's a tale for another time.

Anyway. Due to the fact that I haven't slept much lately (mostly due to bad dreams about Uncle Guido) and because I don't really feel like it, I am absolutely not going to try to come up with those 10,000 things that are worse. Actually, it would be 9,998 now with the whole cancer and Uncle Guido thing. No, I'm not doing that. Instead I give you my TOP FIVE THINGS NOT INVOLVING DEATH THAT ARE ALL IN THEIR OWN RIGHT MUCH WORSE THAN HAVING A DEAD BATTERY. Now, you might say that having a dead battery involves death... you know, the damn battery, and therefore the car is dead. I'd tell you to shut up if you said that. Seriously. Shut up. Thanks.

5. The New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, Boston Celtics, Detroit Red Wings, and Notre Dame Fightin' Irish Football all win championships in the same year... AND Tiger Woods wins the Grand Slam in Golf. For my friends across the pond, which is kind of a dumb saying if you want to know the truth, because, really, who are we kidding, it's a damn ocean, not a pond... umm yeah, Manchester United takes the Premier League. That would ALL suck as far as Mr and Mrs. Snarky are concerned. She probably would only be pissed about the Yankees, but then she'd be very empathetic for me, so what more can I ask for. Sorry if you're a fan of one or more of these teams. Really... I AM SORRY.

4. Internet outages. Damn I hate those.

3. While you are exploring a cave in Mexico, the owners of the land decide to start strip mining and cover up the entrance. You are trapped for 12 days, subsisting on spiders, ticks, and rats and drinking your own... {no forget that part...} drinking from a small underground pond with water that tastes like a mixture of oil and mud, only to discover that if you had continued around the pond for about half a mile rather than drink the foul water, the back end of the cave opened into Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Cantina AND if you had done this on the 2nd day, you would have been there just in time for his "Birthday Bash" AND you would have met your future wife, who instead has hooked up with your arch enemy from high school who was the quarterback and who seemed to always wind up going out with the girl you liked who said, and I quote, "He's a really nice guy, but..." A little unrealistic? Maybe. But it truly would suck.

2. Falling off a third story balcony and being impaled on a fence post. Through the rectum. Ouch.

1. You've died and gone to hell. I know, I know, I said there was no death involved. I lied. Sue me. Anyway, it's my damn blog and I'll write what I want. Maybe you were dead before I started writing. Did you ever even think of that? Huh? Okay. Glad that's settled. So this hell we are talking about, it's not that whole fire and brimstone hell that people usually envision. No, this is Dante's Inferno hell, 7 levels or whatever, because nobody has ever actually read that, have they? {Mrs. Snarky just informed me that she HAS read Dante's Inferno} In your... well, who am I kidding, let me start over... In MY personal hell, I am living in a single wide in an area like Seattle, only colder, and wetter. 24-7, 365. The sun NEVER shines. I am married to a lovely woman who is 4 foot 3 and 476 pounds. She has not gotten out of bed in over 300 years. We have 12 kids. All in diapers. We have 15 cats. 1 litterbox. (I've told you about my gag reflex, right? I don't mind cats, but...) We have a television and a stereo. They each get two channels. The TV has Disney and Nickelodeon, but SpongeBob has been cancelled. The stereo actually gets its feed from Sirius Satellite, which sounds okay until I find out that my choice of stations are "Conway Twitty and Friends", or "All Eminem, All the Time." I live next door to the playboy mansion, only all the walls are glass and it is walled off more securely than Guantanamo. The only food I can ever seem to scrape up are beets, bread and butter pickles and sardines.

So now, I would like 2 things from you, my readers. First, I pose you all the same question: What is worse than a dead battery. I would love some comments. Short and sweet like # 2 or 4, or long winded like 1, 3 and 5.

2nd, and maybe I wasn't clear enough about this the first time I asked...

I WANT SOUTH AMERICA!!!!

Of all the hits I get on this thing, one of you must know someone in South America. Please email them or facebook message them the following and I will love you forever if they do it:

Dear (insert name here), could you do me a favor? I'm trying to win a contest. Just click on this link http://thesnarkycouple.blogspot.com/ and I win! Then, if you comment on the blog that you got someone from whatever country they live in to click it, you really will win. What will I win you ask... that's easy. A free lifetime subscription t the Snarky Couple AND my undying gratitude. Isn't that great?

Love and hope and peace and harmony,

Mr. Snarky

Mr. Snarky's new couch/computer/sleeping workout routine.

The other day I was sucking down an Rx Energy drink by Arizona Iced Tea Company. My coworker mentioned that she felt it was too fattening and so she won't drink it anymore. Of course, trying to prove people wrong is one of my favorite pastimes, so I check out the label, which shows around 115 calories. No big deal, right? A closer look revealed that this 23 ounce drink held 3 servings making the total calories 345. Wait a sec. So just under 8 ounces is a serving? Right. I am a BIG drinker, and I don't mean alcohol. On a typical day, I drink a bunch of water in the morning after brushing my teeth, a large coffee, a 40 ounce diet pop (soda if you prefer), one of the cans of Arizona teas, a large milk or water with dinner, and a cup of tea or medium glass of water before bed. Sorry Arizona tea company, 8 ounces is just a bit more than a sip!

Now that you know more about Mr. Snarky's drinking habits than you ever cared to, let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Not sure exactly how that fits in to the post, I just felt like quoting Inigo Montoya. Anyway, the discussion turned to ways of burning calories. She said she likes to work out on the treadmill three to four hours a week to burn off the junk she sometimes eats. Me, I like to sit on the couch, sit at the computer, or go to sleep, much more than getting on a treadmill. Those things are dangerous anyway. She's probably too young to have ever watched The Jetsons but I've seen first hand what can happen on them.

See what I mean?

I am an average sized, mid-forties male. From what I've seen, most men my age fall into one of three categories. Some are workout freaks who are desperately trying to keep the body they had in their twenties, some are men who don't care about such things and let their bodies go to hell, and the most common, like myself, men who try to keep their bellies a bit smaller than their father had at this age by avoiding the extreme impulse to eat that delicious third donut of the day whenever possible.

So, in an effort to determine if my couch surfing/sleeping workout regimen would suffice for my stated goal of not enlarging my gut, I scoured the internet for calorie burning figures. Actually, I Googled it and looked at a couple of the top results. They were at the top, so they must be good, right? The best part is, ehow.com did the work for me! It states that according to caloriesperhour.com, a 150 pound person walking on a non-inclined treadmill for one hour at 4 MPH will burn 272 calories. Big deal. Fitwatch.com says that the same 150 pound person burns 64 calories per hour sleeping. So if we multiply 64 calories by 4 hours of sleep, in other words, take a slightly long nap, you've burned 256 calories, just 16 short of that dangerous treadmill. Now, I don't know about you, but Mr. Snarky could definitely handle 3 workouts of 4-hour naps a week. Throw in the LA Times report that says you burn about 72 calories an hour sitting on the couch... Hell, I can do that all day, especially if baseball, football, basketball, hockey, golf, or Jeopardy is on. I guess I'll just have to sleep 12 hours a day, and sit on the couch for 20 or 30 hours a day, and I'll be losing weight like crazy! AND, I won't have to skip that 3rd donut anymore. Sweet!!!

Save a donut for me! Thanks.

Love, Mr. Snarky.

Mr. Snarky Achieves World Domination!!!

        It has been quite a while since my last post, but as you can see from the title of this one, I've been quite busy. For my loyal readers (you know who you are) I can offer this mostly sincere apology, courtesy of my tireless team of attorneys: The past few weeks have been a time of extreme personal growth for our client (heretofore known as Mr. Snarky) and his company. We at the Snarky foundation truly hope that none of the patrons of this site have suffered any trauma, injury, mental anguish or disease due to the lack of published material over this time. We sincerely hope that all of our tremendous followers have had a time of self-enlightenment and growth over this extremely difficult period. We hereby indemnify the aforementioned client, Mr. Snarky, from any and all remuneration and/or recompense for damages, loss of income and/or sanity. We publicly apologize while simultaneously admitting absolutely no negligence or criminal behavior. Thank you.

Whew! Glad that's out of the way. Now, you might be wondering, "How did Mr. Snarky achieve world domination? Wouldn't I have heard about it on the news?" To that I would say, "Uhh, well... I..." I hope that clears things up for you.

Okay, well... I have to say that I didn't achieve world domination in the classic Genghis Khan or Alexander the Great definition of the phrase. Probably not even in the Kim Kardashian or Bob Saget definition either. No, this was a bit more subtle, and probably nerdier than all but the last of the four world dominators I mention. The domination I have achieved is twofold. First, this blog that you are currently reading has been viewed in the U.S., Russia, Spain, Indonesia, Egypt and Qatar, among many others. In fact, the only continent we have not breached at this moment is South America, but I'm certain this is only a temporary setback. In fact, loyal readers, I must ask a favor. If you know someone in South America that you can forward a link to, please do it. It would turn Mr. Snarky into Mr. Happy. No, not THAT Mr. Happy. I can't believe you just went there. Pervs!

Part two of World domination is even a bit nerdier than blogging, if you can believe it. Even so, I'm kind of proud. Somewhere in our about me, or one of the early posts, Mrs. Snarky mentioned Sporcle. It's also in the sites we love links on our front page. Over the past few weeks, I have been on Sporcle quite often, memorizing the names and spelling of every country in the world. I can now type the names of all 196 countries, with an unlabeled map showing only their borders, in under 13 minutes. Is this nerdy? Yes. Yes it is. I don't care. I wanted to do it and now I have. I totally rule! Also, it will help me once I qualify for the Jeopardy senior tournament in 20 years or so. Now all I need to learn are all the rivers and cities and Shakespeare's plays and Civil War battles and stock symbols and inventors and kings and symphonies and poems and natural disasters and chemical element symbols and.... oh crap. Nevermind.

Love love love... Mr. Snarky {World Dominator}

Superheroes... almost

   
My favorite 3 year old boy LOVES superheroes. He has DVDs, puzzles, outfits, coloring books and action figures. He has introduced me to several superheroes and villains that I had no idea existed. This led me to a thought; if there are that many superheroes, surely there were some who were "left on the drawing board"  After a little research, I discovered these never before released Superheroes who never made it.

The Mosquito, AKA Buzz Miller: When Buzz discovered the ability to turn into a mosquito, he was determined to help New York City police in solving crimes. Unfortunately, two days later, while making a deposit at his credit union, armed robbers arrived. Never having had the time to determine what good could come of his power, he decided to give it a shot anyway. He transformed, bit the first robber he could find, and was promptly slapped, ending his career before it had a chance. Rest In Peace Buzz.

Mr Toilet, AKA Louis Commode: Loo, as he is known by his friends, is a mild mannered janitor working for a defense contractor. When he has his sights set on an evildoer, he goes into a stall, and quickly transforms himself into Mr. Toilet. When the unsuspecting bad guy sits down, Mr. Toilet swallows him whole. His sometime assistant, Dr. Ex-lax, occasionally helps him on a really hard case.

Sgt. Racker: Racker is a retired Marine drill Sargent. He has no super power. If someone is doing something wrong, he kicks them right in the nuts. That's all.

Skunkman, AKA Mal Oder: Mal works as a file clerk for a Washington lobbyist. He seeks out government corruption and when he finds it, he sprays it down, leaving the offender with a foul smell that can only be removed with a bath in tomato juice.

The Human Tornado, AKA Billy Ray Gibson: Billy Ray is the maintenance man at a trailer park in Mississippi. After a nasty incident involving a stolen 6 pack of Old Milwaukee, the residents of the park learned to NEVER EVER piss Billy Ray off again.

Papa Razzi: Papa lives in LA. The biggest crime he has foiled was at a convenience store. He took so many pictures of the perpetrator, the man was blinded and unable to drive the getaway car and the authorities arrived in time to confiscate the stolen red bulls and beef jerky.

Soup or Man, AKA Pierre Bouilliabaisse: He tried fighting crime, but it didn't work out very well. Peter's super power was, unfortunately, the ability to turn himself into a bowl of soup. The criminals either laughed at him, or took a few bites. His biggest success came when his arch nemesis, Jimmy the Jaywalker took a big bite and forgot to blow on the spoon, severely burning his lips.

Rain Man, AKA Chief Winnebago: The chief is the greatest rain dancer the world has ever seen. When crimes are in progress, he does his dance and the evil doers are quickly soaked to the bone. However, he has not yet learned to control the more powerful lightning and his arch rivals know this, always remembering to bring towels and a change of clothes to the crime scenes.

                                          Hope you all have a great week. Love, Mr Snarky

Stupid people are just... well... stupid.

  

How many times can a person apologize for doing the same thing over again before it becomes apparent that they aren't really sorry and they just don't give a damn? This morning, I called the dentist's office for Mrs. Snarky and the receptionist there, who has known us for three or four years now, mispronounced my name. Again. Now, as you may have gathered, our last name isn't really Snarky... but it's not all that hard to pronounce. 5 letters. That's it. And it rhymes with every other English word that is spelled with the same last 4 letters. There aren't all that many words you can rhyme it with, but they are out there. WTF is soo damn hard about changing 1 letter? It's always pissed me off since back in the day when you would get calls from salesmen at dinnertime on the house phone and had to answer because caller ID hadn't been invented yet. Those guys ALWAYS screwed it up too. This is worse. I have corrected this person at least 15 times. Yet every time I talk to her, she screws it up again... and apologizes again. It tells me that either: 1. She really doesn't give a damn about me and whether or not I come to that dentist or, 2. she is as dumb as a box of rocks. The Mrs. and I LOVE our dentist. She is a sweet woman who always comes across as being genuinely concerned about you and your family, and she makes every effort to ensure that you are as comfortable as possible as she rips your mouth to shreds. Oh... she also pronounces your fucking name properly.

I felt like making the receptionist repeat my name correctly over and over again this morning. Thought that maybe if I yelled something like "MY NAME IS SNARKY, NOT SNARE KEY!" 7 or 8 times, the next time she called, the idiot would remember how to say it. She'd definitely remember ME. But I didn't. I saved my snarkiness for later, bitching about her in my mind while I was in the shower. I'm thinking of not paying the bill. When she calls me to ask for payment, I'll tell her that if she can pronounce my name right the first time, I will send the check right then and there. If not, call again next week and give it another shot. Dumbass!

But not you guys. You're great. No really, you are.    

                                          Mr. Snarky

The Meet Cute

"A meet cute is a convention of romantic comedies in which two potential romantic partners meet in a contrived way in unusual or comic circumstances. A staple of the romantic genre, the technique creates an artificial situation contrived by the filmmakers in order to bring together characters in an entertaining manner. Frequently the "meet cute" leads to a humorous clash of personalities or beliefs, embarrassing situations, or comical misunderstandings that further drive the plot." -- Wikipedia


Welcome to our Snarky blog.  We seriously hope that what you find here is a place to laugh and have fun.  We are a husband and wife team who enjoys laughter above all else.  Well, that and excellent spelling and grammar.  And new socks.  Oh, and great coffee.  Movies as well.  We like those.  And music.  READING!  We love reading.  We also like to bitch, moan, encourage, eat and smoke.  Well, the smoking we're quitting, but we won't quit eating no matter what the surgeon general says!!!!  Sometimes there's beer involved.  At least for Mr. Snarky.  Mrs. Snarky hates turning bright red and lying flat due to alcohol induced migraines.  


If any of this sounds fun (other than the migraines and the smoking, because we do NOT endorse smoking even though we do it) then you, dear reader, have come to the right blog!!!  


We are hard at work (Mr. Snarky is sleeping, Mrs. Snarky is hard at work) at creating a crapload of posts to put up for your reading enjoyment.  We hope you find reasons to stop in often to read our ramblings!

Mrs. Snarky