Saturday, December 3, 2011

Why Most Boys SUCK ASS

Hearts are breaking as life goes on all around us. That just pisses me off!

We have an absolutely gorgeous, talented 19 year old daughter who of course thinks she's hideous. What is that? Why are women soooooooooooooo under the impression that they aren't worth a damn? And what is it with young men who use someone up and then dump them along the roadside when they don't "FEEL" for them (or anyone else for that matter) anymore?

Boys (other than my own sons and my husband and stepson of course) are the dumbest creatures in creation. "Who am I?" "Who do I want to be?" "How do you fit into my perfect little picture of a life?" "How long can I drag this out to make you doubt yourself and make you as miserable as you can be before I tell you to get lost?"

If I could fix things for her, I would. I'm her mom after all. She's my baby girl.

If I could, I'd make her dreams, all come true.
If I could, I'd make anyone pay who stomped on her heart.
If I could, I'd buy her a magic mirror that would show her exactly what she is.
If I could, I'd make sure that the only tears that fall from her eyes are due to joy.
If I could, I'd use vampire powers to compel her so that she could forget.
If I could, I'd put him on that Ghost Ship where all the people were cut in half by that wire that snapped... and the last thing he'd see is a glowing image of my daughter.
Or maybe, If I could, I'd hand him over to the psycho in "Saw" and tell the freak to make it a blunt, rusty one.
OR!!!!!!!! If I could, I'd tie him to the spot part of the asteroid fell to on "Deep Impact."

I can't do those things though. LAME!!!!

Eh, I probably wouldn't actually hurt the guy. I like him. I actually like him a lot. I think that's why I'm so shell shocked. I just don't LIKE him right now. I'm sure he's hanging with his friends, having a great time while she is sobbing and moving all of her stuff out of his house.

Maybe I could at least give him a horrendous wedgy that rides up to his throat.

This would be the only time the song "Love Hurts" by Nazareth would be appropriate. Did you know that the name of the man who wrote the song "Love Hurts" is BOUDLEAUX BRYANT????? What in the heckfire kind of name is that anyway??? Were you also aware that the band Nazareth is from Scotland and was formed in 1968? All true. Read it on Wikipedia. That was three years before I was born. Kind of freaks me out a bit.

"I've really learned a lot, really learned a lot. Love is like a flame, it burns you when it's hot. Love hurts. Ooooooooooooooo Love hurts."

Hopefully my daughter is instead listening to songs like "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood. Or "These Boots Are Made For Walkin" by Nancy Sinatra.

Maybe I could just procure some nettles and distribute them through all of his clothing. Or those really really tiny nasty stickers from a cactus that looks all soft and fluffy but is actually the plant from hell.

Well, there's nothing I can actually do at this point. But if you think of anything that might be of help, or a great torture device, let me know!

Mrs. Snarky

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Dreaming of a fast Christmas

I don't hate Christmas. Honestly, I don't. But, for the next month, you can expect me to bitch about the parts of Christmas that I do hate. Here we are, the weekend after Thanksgiving, and I am already sick of all the damned commercials using the "Carol of the Bells" or "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" and changing the words to their liking. Every time I hear that shit I want to throw something at my TV.

For the first time ever, this year I went out on Black Friday... or rather, Thanksgiving night and into the beginning of Black Friday. It will likely be the last time ever. We showed up at Walmart (not my favorite place) at around 10:30, after being stuck on the interstate for close to an hour driving the final mile and a half to try to exit to all the amazing shopping in the area. It was a special time. When we got there, the place was a zoo. They were offering Blu-Ray players for 50 bucks starting at midnight. Around 25 or 30 people were standing around a pallet with their hands on the things just waiting for the clock to turn to 12, so these people were there for at least an hour and a half just holding their arms out there so they could hurry to the registers and get out with their prize. Of course, at 12:05, nobody was standing there anymore and there were still 25 or 30 of the players left. I guess they'd have had to wait in the line for an extra 15 minutes or so if they hadn't stood there so long. Makes sense.

Most Christmas songs make me feel a little ill. Lots of people love them. Not me. A little over 1/12 of your life is spent during the "Holiday Season." This means that I have to hear the same, tired, crappy songs 1/12 of the time. So far I've been lucky. My least favorite song, which I counted hearing 77 times one year, has not yet pierced my eardrums. But it's coming. It will be the subject of a later post, I promise.

Tonight we put up the tree and some lights, cleaned up some areas that truly needed attention, and had a decent night. This part of Christmas is just fine with me. Sprucing the place up, and spending time with family is nice. The external crap is what makes me hope that it gets over with, and does it quickly.

Wishing you and yours a very Happy and Speedy Holiday Season.

Mr. Snarky