There's nothing worse than....

... a dead battery. Huh? A commercial I saw the other day told me that. Seriously? NOTHING WORSE?!? You've got to be kidding me. I could probably think of {TEN THOUSAND} things that are worse than a dead battery. Cancer for instance. That's worse. That's WAY worse. Maybe if they said, " There's nothing worse than a dead battery when you're on the south side of Chicago at 3 am, drunk as hell, carrying 22 grand that was closer to 30 grand a few hours earlier and you were supposed to have given the whole 30 to your "Uncle Guido", who is rumored to have dumped somewhere in the neighborhood of 13 bodies in a swamp out in the western suburbs over the last seven years. True, there probably is nothing worse than that, as I can tell you from experience. Which is why I moved halfway across the country and am now disguised as Mr. Snarky. But that's a tale for another time.

Anyway. Due to the fact that I haven't slept much lately (mostly due to bad dreams about Uncle Guido) and because I don't really feel like it, I am absolutely not going to try to come up with those 10,000 things that are worse. Actually, it would be 9,998 now with the whole cancer and Uncle Guido thing. No, I'm not doing that. Instead I give you my TOP FIVE THINGS NOT INVOLVING DEATH THAT ARE ALL IN THEIR OWN RIGHT MUCH WORSE THAN HAVING A DEAD BATTERY. Now, you might say that having a dead battery involves death... you know, the damn battery, and therefore the car is dead. I'd tell you to shut up if you said that. Seriously. Shut up. Thanks.

5. The New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, Boston Celtics, Detroit Red Wings, and Notre Dame Fightin' Irish Football all win championships in the same year... AND Tiger Woods wins the Grand Slam in Golf. For my friends across the pond, which is kind of a dumb saying if you want to know the truth, because, really, who are we kidding, it's a damn ocean, not a pond... umm yeah, Manchester United takes the Premier League. That would ALL suck as far as Mr and Mrs. Snarky are concerned. She probably would only be pissed about the Yankees, but then she'd be very empathetic for me, so what more can I ask for. Sorry if you're a fan of one or more of these teams. Really... I AM SORRY.

4. Internet outages. Damn I hate those.

3. While you are exploring a cave in Mexico, the owners of the land decide to start strip mining and cover up the entrance. You are trapped for 12 days, subsisting on spiders, ticks, and rats and drinking your own... {no forget that part...} drinking from a small underground pond with water that tastes like a mixture of oil and mud, only to discover that if you had continued around the pond for about half a mile rather than drink the foul water, the back end of the cave opened into Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Cantina AND if you had done this on the 2nd day, you would have been there just in time for his "Birthday Bash" AND you would have met your future wife, who instead has hooked up with your arch enemy from high school who was the quarterback and who seemed to always wind up going out with the girl you liked who said, and I quote, "He's a really nice guy, but..." A little unrealistic? Maybe. But it truly would suck.

2. Falling off a third story balcony and being impaled on a fence post. Through the rectum. Ouch.

1. You've died and gone to hell. I know, I know, I said there was no death involved. I lied. Sue me. Anyway, it's my damn blog and I'll write what I want. Maybe you were dead before I started writing. Did you ever even think of that? Huh? Okay. Glad that's settled. So this hell we are talking about, it's not that whole fire and brimstone hell that people usually envision. No, this is Dante's Inferno hell, 7 levels or whatever, because nobody has ever actually read that, have they? {Mrs. Snarky just informed me that she HAS read Dante's Inferno} In your... well, who am I kidding, let me start over... In MY personal hell, I am living in a single wide in an area like Seattle, only colder, and wetter. 24-7, 365. The sun NEVER shines. I am married to a lovely woman who is 4 foot 3 and 476 pounds. She has not gotten out of bed in over 300 years. We have 12 kids. All in diapers. We have 15 cats. 1 litterbox. (I've told you about my gag reflex, right? I don't mind cats, but...) We have a television and a stereo. They each get two channels. The TV has Disney and Nickelodeon, but SpongeBob has been cancelled. The stereo actually gets its feed from Sirius Satellite, which sounds okay until I find out that my choice of stations are "Conway Twitty and Friends", or "All Eminem, All the Time." I live next door to the playboy mansion, only all the walls are glass and it is walled off more securely than Guantanamo. The only food I can ever seem to scrape up are beets, bread and butter pickles and sardines.

So now, I would like 2 things from you, my readers. First, I pose you all the same question: What is worse than a dead battery. I would love some comments. Short and sweet like # 2 or 4, or long winded like 1, 3 and 5.

2nd, and maybe I wasn't clear enough about this the first time I asked...

I WANT SOUTH AMERICA!!!!

Of all the hits I get on this thing, one of you must know someone in South America. Please email them or facebook message them the following and I will love you forever if they do it:

Dear (insert name here), could you do me a favor? I'm trying to win a contest. Just click on this link http://thesnarkycouple.blogspot.com/ and I win! Then, if you comment on the blog that you got someone from whatever country they live in to click it, you really will win. What will I win you ask... that's easy. A free lifetime subscription t the Snarky Couple AND my undying gratitude. Isn't that great?

Love and hope and peace and harmony,

Mr. Snarky

I love my job... sometimes

I am writing this post as a public service to cashiers everywhere. I am not a cashier, but it is a fairly large part of my job. Glamorous I know. Cashiers have always held a special place in my heart. They work hard, stand on their feet all day, make crappy money, work crappy hours, and worst of all, they have to deal with the public constantly while trying to keep a smile on their face. Don't get me wrong; for the most part, I enjoy dealing with the public. There are just certain things about it that make me crazy.

DO NOT TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE WHILE IN LINE... EVER!!! I mean it! Yesterday, a woman in line at the register was talking to her friend. She was at the front of the line and we couldn't help her without talking to her first. Her conversation, two decibels higher than a normal speaking voice, went something like this: "Yeah, I'm at the pharmacy right now. Uh huh. Well, I'm picking something up. No, at the drugstore. Yeah. I probably should go because I'm at the drugstore getting something for Charlie. Uh huh. Yeah." It went on like that for 2 or 3 minutes. Incredibly engaging conversation that couldn't possibly wait until AFTER picking up Charlie's meds, right? Hang up the damned phone lady! Even if you're just picking up a bottled water or something, talking on the phone says to the clerk that they mean absolutely nothing to you. Please, please don't do it.

Do not lick your finger when you are taking out your money or checkbook or debit card. This is especially true when you are at the pharmacy picking up antibiotics. It may sound silly, but people do it all the time... especially people over 50. I often want to stick out my hand and ask them if they'd like to spit on it, because in effect, that is what they've done. Instead, I grab the hand sanitizer, set it on the counter, and douse my hand right in front of them before taking the money to see if they get the hint. From what I can tell, none of them ever have.

If you want to make conversation, great. Just remember that this cashier has heard many of the same lines over and over and over all day every day. I'm not being clear here, so let me give you some examples. Yes, those of us who have to make you sign in the box know that it looks nothing like your signature. We don't give a rip. If an item you are trying to purchase has no price sticker or won't scan, IT ISN'T FREE! The teller at your bank who laughs when you stick her up by pretending your finger is a gun... thinks you are an idiot. And when she asks you how you want your 200 dollars, cash is NOT the answer she's looking for. The guy at the gas station knows that gas prices are really high. It's not his fault. When I worked at a different drug store that had a preferred customer card, the cashiers were required to tell them how much they saved by using the card. Me, "You saved 93 cents with your card." Them, "93 cents is 93 cents, hahaha" Me, "Really? I thought it was 92 cents. But actually, in 1953 dollars, 93 cents is 17 cents. And in Canada, 93 cents is more like 80 cents. But thanks for sharing." Okay, so I never said the last sentence. Instead I just tried not to make faces at them as they left. "Have a nice day!" Then under my breath, "MORON!"

Lastly, do not ever just throw your wadded up money on the counter. I can't speak for every cashier, but when I tell you the total and you flop money out there like that, it brings to mind just one word. Asshole!

Remember that cashiers, while not having the most exciting job in the world, are people. They HATE when you treat them like dirt or like they are invisible. When you have to wait in line, it's usually not their fault. They don't like it either. They've been standing there all day; you've only had to stand there for 5 minutes. They have a list of things they are supposed to be getting done when it's not busy and the crowd you see in front of you in line means that they can't do it and the manager doesn't care whether it's too busy. He only sees that the list hasn't been completed. So remember, the guy who takes your money might just be going to school to try to improve himself; the girl who runs your debit card might be a single mommy just trying to survive. Give 'em a break, would you? I'd appreciate it.

Hope this didn't make you mad because... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

But if it did make you mad.... PFFFFFFFTTTT! Mr. Snarky

Things Mr. Snarky is thankful for

        A relative of ours posted a request on her blog asking people to name some things they are thankful for. I think she might get more than she bargained for from Mr. Snarky. So anyway, in no particular order (other than the first one being number one which you will definitely understand in a moment) here they come.

1. I am not dead. I like this a whole lot. I prefer me in my state of not-deadness, which is very much different than undead. I wouldn't like that at all I don't think, unless I got to star in a movie about it with Simon Pegg. That might be cool. If you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you like the fact that I'm not dead as well, but who can be certain about these things.

The Rest

I'm very thankful that I'm not talking to that one guy who never stops talking. You know the one. You think he's done and you try to walk away but he keeps following you and never stops talking even when you say something really obnoxious and he still doesn't pick up on it because that guy never listens anyway... all he ever thinks about is himself and you can try to change the subject and he just keeps going on and on and on. Yeah. That guy. Or the guy who smells bad.

I'm thankful for blog posts asking me what I'm thankful for.  Really. It made me write this. Otherwise I would probably be sleeping right now and who needs that. Maybe I would be sitting here playing plants vs zombies or some other time waster until I got tired.

I am so thankful that I've never fallen on a beer bottle when I was naked. That's all I have to say about that.

I'm thankful that I'm me and not you. No one else gets to be me and that's good. Because I'm better than you. At something anyway. Not sure what. Maybe I'll figure it out when I grow up. (I'm in my 40's)

I'm thankful that I'm not that guy who smells bad.

And beer. I like beer.

I'm thankful that not every song on the radio is by Katie Perry. Cuz that would suck.

I'm thankful for Mrs. Snarky. She laughs at all my attempts at humour; even the ones that aren't funny.

I'm thankful for the British spellings of the words "Humour and Colour" (okay, if she laughs at that, I'll know she's faking cuz it's just not funny)

I'm thankful that the Yankees did not win the World Series this year. They just do that FAR too often.

And finally, I'm thankful for a good book and a warm fire on a cold night; the love of a family member; my good friends; having food to eat and a place to sleep; a good conversation over a cup of coffee; the feeling of a job well done when you've helped someone overcome a problem in their life that they've been working at for years and had no success... or some other crap like that. Oh hell... let's be real. Post-Its... yeah! I'm WAY thankful for Post-Its.

I am also thankful for YOU, dear reader.  With Love, Mister Snarky

I Have a Vagina, How 'Bout You?

        A week or so ago I ended up breaking in to song.  This is not an unusual thing for me to do.  In fact, I really enjoy belting out a tune Opera style.   "I have a vagina, how 'bout you??"  Yep, thems the words.  Catchy isn't it.  It's great fun to sing with others as well.  Especially my three year old grandson. That boy is one of the funniest kids on the planet I tell you!  He knows he doesn't have a vagina, but he doesn't pass up a catchy tune, no matter WHAT the words are.  Obviously.

I was sitting in the kitchen with my sister tonight when said three year old started singing the winsome words in the living room.  "We all have vaginas, how 'bout you?" Well, there were 4 adults nearby and we all started cracking up.  Then, we sang along.   And yes, we all have vaginas, how 'bout you???

Our almost 2 year old granddaughter joined in the musical by singing "Nigh Night fagina."  She can't say V's.  Probably a good thing for now.

Mrs. Snarky    

The 10 worst song lyrics EVER!! (part 2)

Click here if you missed the first half of The 10 Worst Song Lyrics Ever before continuing with this post. Then for the rest of you.....

Since you've all been so eagerly awaiting the final five songs in this list, I'll just jump right in with...

5. The Girl is Mine - Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson: It is painful for me to trash Paul because I grew up loving the Beatles and a few of Wings' tunes as well. Unfortunately, in this case, Paul deserves it. I don't mind trashing Jacko at all however. This song, while no longer receiving much airplay, still makes me feel ill. Check out this bit of amazingness: "The girl is mine, the doggone girl is mine. I know she's mine, because the doggone girl is mine." That's some deep stuff right there. Especially the 2nd sentence. I know she's mine because... umm... because she's mine doggone it. Well, you really told him!
There has been one occasion on which I enjoyed this song. Thank you Stephen Colbert and John Legend! Check out the vid below. It'll rock your world.


Stephen Colbert - The Girl Is Mine from nicole on Vimeo.

4. Ass Like That - Eminem: Now when it comes to music I hate, Eminem is right up there at the top. I'm truly not a fan of rap and/or hip hop, (in fact I barely consider rap to be music) but I know there are plenty of people out there who like it. Good for them. Enjoy. Just turn it down when I pull up next to you at a stoplight, okay? I promise not to play Barry Manilow so loud that your teeth rattle if you'll do the same for me with Fitty Cent. Deal? Anyway, back to Eminem. I cannot stand the little punk. What a jackass. But that's beside the point. His music sucks too. Check out this gem. It sounds like something a 7th grader might write. "The way you shake it, I can't believe it. I ain't never seen a ass like that.The way you move it, you make my pee-pee go da-doing doing doing." I take it back. It sounds more like a 5th grader.

3. Firework - Katy Perry: A lot of songs don't bother me at first. Then once I've heard one of them 25,000 times, it starts to get on my nerves. Especially when it has annoying lyrics like this one. What's even worse for me is that it is the theme for a movie on our pay per view and my daughter leaves the channel on the tv all the damn time. So now, if I don't take the time to go mute the tv, I get to hear the chorus of this song around every five minutes or so. UGH! So thanks Katy. You're great. "Cause baby you're a firework, come on show em what you're worth. Make em go oh oh oh as you shoot across the sky." Don't you just feel so pumped up?

2. The Thong Song - Sisqo: This was another of my children's favorite songs when they were little. I don't really want to talk about it. "She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like what, what, what? Baby move your butt, butt, butt. Uh, I think to sing it again. She had dumps like a truck...." Boy am I glad that's over.

1. I Gotta Feeling - Black-Eyed Peas: I'm not sure if this will stay at the top of my list forever, but for right now, I'd rather hear any song ever in the top 40 over this POS. I know, plenty of people love it. It's easy to dance to, Mrs. Snarky likes to clean house with it on, and "It's just a fun song," as someone once told me. No. It isn't. Every time you listen to it, your IQ drops a few points, and can only be brought back up by learning some new piece of trivia about the country of Kyrgyzstan. There are so many horrible moments to this song, I barely know where to begin. How about the part when they sing all seven days of the week in order? Maybe the fact that they say "tonight's gonna be a good night" around 300 times. But no, the thing that really gets me is this... "Let's do it and do it and do it do it do it. And do it and do it and do it do it do it." And again and again and again. OMG I HATE THAT SONG!
~~~
Mrs. Snarky was informed that it was nearly impossible to comment on the earlier posts. This situation has been remedied. So I'll end with a request. Comment this post with some of your most hated song lyrics. I know I skipped some good ones. Tell me why you disagree with some of mine. Anything. I want to hear from you. Thanks for reading.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE,

Mr. Snarky.

The Meet Cute

"A meet cute is a convention of romantic comedies in which two potential romantic partners meet in a contrived way in unusual or comic circumstances. A staple of the romantic genre, the technique creates an artificial situation contrived by the filmmakers in order to bring together characters in an entertaining manner. Frequently the "meet cute" leads to a humorous clash of personalities or beliefs, embarrassing situations, or comical misunderstandings that further drive the plot." -- Wikipedia


Welcome to our Snarky blog.  We seriously hope that what you find here is a place to laugh and have fun.  We are a husband and wife team who enjoys laughter above all else.  Well, that and excellent spelling and grammar.  And new socks.  Oh, and great coffee.  Movies as well.  We like those.  And music.  READING!  We love reading.  We also like to bitch, moan, encourage, eat and smoke.  Well, the smoking we're quitting, but we won't quit eating no matter what the surgeon general says!!!!  Sometimes there's beer involved.  At least for Mr. Snarky.  Mrs. Snarky hates turning bright red and lying flat due to alcohol induced migraines.  


If any of this sounds fun (other than the migraines and the smoking, because we do NOT endorse smoking even though we do it) then you, dear reader, have come to the right blog!!!  


We are hard at work (Mr. Snarky is sleeping, Mrs. Snarky is hard at work) at creating a crapload of posts to put up for your reading enjoyment.  We hope you find reasons to stop in often to read our ramblings!

Mrs. Snarky