Life in Movieland

Have you ever noticed how movie and TV characters can do just about anything? Their skills often amaze me. The other day I was watching a show and one of the guys was a computer genius. He deleted all records of an auction on an E-bay type site and while he was at it, improved his co-worker's credit score and added a few grand to his bank account, all in the space of around 5 minutes. Amazing.

Have you ever tried to pick a lock? 30 seconds flat for these guys. When I break into someone's house it takes at least 5 minutes. What about hot wiring cars? All you gotta do is pull the panel off of the steering column and voila, you're off to the races.

Have you ever fallen off of a cliff or the top of a building and caught yourself on the edge, even when there is really nothing to hang on to? No problem, right? And even easier than that is pulling yourself back up and over. Sure. Piece of cake. Go out and find a high bar that is barely above your fully extended arms, jump up and grab it, and then pull yourself up and over. Not so easy really.

Does everyone out there in the dating world really go to bed on the first date? It sure seems to me that they do... but mostly, they just hook up in bars and go home with a different person every night. That is as long as they look like Ryan Reynolds or Matthew McConaughey. If they wear bad clothes or have a funny mustache, forget it, they will never get laid... that is until they find the really dorky girl (who is actually gorgeous, but is covering it up with her bad glasses and her hair up) and then they get married first, because that is what dorky girls do. Very realistic, no?

How come bad guys can never shoot very well? Do they not practice enough? They never ever hit the good guy and only occasionally hit his partner. Maybe they go to bad-guy shooting school.

The very worst part of living in movieland is this: if you cough more than once, you will not be living very long. Time and time again I've seen where the main character's father or his friend coughs and there is a short little look of concern, the cougher says, "it's nothing" and within ten minutes of film time, he's on his death bed, or has already kicked the bucket.

Cough. I Love you guys. Cough. Uh oh.

Hope I'm alive long enough to post again soon.

Pointless

   
I'm apparently too tired and crabby from my recent doctor experiences to be very funny tonight. I've had an ultrasound, (no I'm not a hermaphrodite as my lovely co-worker suggested) an MRI, (I do have a brain, which I was glad to hear) an aspiration, (which is actually just a nice way of saying I'm going to stick a needle in your throat for around an hour) and acupuncture (a not so nice way of saying I'm going to stick needles all over your body and leave them in for around an hour). I've tried and tried again but instead of funny Mr. Snarky, the writing comes across as bitchy unfunny Snarky. Sorry. I have a right to be bitchy. Oh, and the Packers kicked holy hell out of my Vikings tonight. Just kick a dog when he's down okay?

Anyway, Mr. Snarky's health has been an issue lately, but don't worry. He'll be fine. You know he's feeling a little bit better when he starts writing about himself in 3rd person. So I got that going for me, which is nice. I am feeling a bit down though. Anyone have any Prozac? Maybe Jemaine can cheer me up instead.

Time to go to my happy place

Ahh screw it. Nothing helps. Time to pop a Xanax and go to bed.

Goodnight. I kinda like you guys.

Mr. Snarky

Superheroes... almost

   
My favorite 3 year old boy LOVES superheroes. He has DVDs, puzzles, outfits, coloring books and action figures. He has introduced me to several superheroes and villains that I had no idea existed. This led me to a thought; if there are that many superheroes, surely there were some who were "left on the drawing board"  After a little research, I discovered these never before released Superheroes who never made it.

The Mosquito, AKA Buzz Miller: When Buzz discovered the ability to turn into a mosquito, he was determined to help New York City police in solving crimes. Unfortunately, two days later, while making a deposit at his credit union, armed robbers arrived. Never having had the time to determine what good could come of his power, he decided to give it a shot anyway. He transformed, bit the first robber he could find, and was promptly slapped, ending his career before it had a chance. Rest In Peace Buzz.

Mr Toilet, AKA Louis Commode: Loo, as he is known by his friends, is a mild mannered janitor working for a defense contractor. When he has his sights set on an evildoer, he goes into a stall, and quickly transforms himself into Mr. Toilet. When the unsuspecting bad guy sits down, Mr. Toilet swallows him whole. His sometime assistant, Dr. Ex-lax, occasionally helps him on a really hard case.

Sgt. Racker: Racker is a retired Marine drill Sargent. He has no super power. If someone is doing something wrong, he kicks them right in the nuts. That's all.

Skunkman, AKA Mal Oder: Mal works as a file clerk for a Washington lobbyist. He seeks out government corruption and when he finds it, he sprays it down, leaving the offender with a foul smell that can only be removed with a bath in tomato juice.

The Human Tornado, AKA Billy Ray Gibson: Billy Ray is the maintenance man at a trailer park in Mississippi. After a nasty incident involving a stolen 6 pack of Old Milwaukee, the residents of the park learned to NEVER EVER piss Billy Ray off again.

Papa Razzi: Papa lives in LA. The biggest crime he has foiled was at a convenience store. He took so many pictures of the perpetrator, the man was blinded and unable to drive the getaway car and the authorities arrived in time to confiscate the stolen red bulls and beef jerky.

Soup or Man, AKA Pierre Bouilliabaisse: He tried fighting crime, but it didn't work out very well. Peter's super power was, unfortunately, the ability to turn himself into a bowl of soup. The criminals either laughed at him, or took a few bites. His biggest success came when his arch nemesis, Jimmy the Jaywalker took a big bite and forgot to blow on the spoon, severely burning his lips.

Rain Man, AKA Chief Winnebago: The chief is the greatest rain dancer the world has ever seen. When crimes are in progress, he does his dance and the evil doers are quickly soaked to the bone. However, he has not yet learned to control the more powerful lightning and his arch rivals know this, always remembering to bring towels and a change of clothes to the crime scenes.

                                          Hope you all have a great week. Love, Mr Snarky