Saturday, March 11, 2017

And the Worms Ate Into His Brain

    Mr. Snarky has always vowed to NOT be one of those old guys who says, "Everything was better in my day. We used to go outside and" blah blah blah and other things kids won't listen to. I love a lot of the things from today, technology wise and otherwise. But one of the things I miss the most??? Well, besides being young and strong and healthy you mean? Yeah, besides that, I miss record albums.

Yeah. These things.

    Now I'm aware that you can still get vinyl albums, but that's not what I mean. Most people these days get their music from Itunes, Spotify or Pandora. Well, there's also that little thing called radio, but that made my generation want to run out and buy the albums. We also bought 45s, which won't mean anything to my younger readers. You see kids, record players used to have 3 different speeds. 33 1/3 speed was for big albums... you know, like a CD. (The way things are going these days, the youngest of my grandchildren might not even know what a CD is when they are older) The next faster speed was 45. 45s had 2 songs; one on the front and one on the flip side. Usually the hit song was side A and the B side was something that rarely hit the radio. Also, to listen to a 45, along with a turntable (AKA record player) you had to have one of these...

AKA a 45 thingie

    Lastly, there was 78 speed and that was used when you were really high and wanted to make Led Zeppelin sound like the Chipmunks. What? No. Not me. It was illegal back then. I meant other people used to do that.

Like this guy, who I found out a few hours ago had died... only he hadn't. So that's good.

   Back to the point of this post. Yes I miss vinyl and record stores and turntables, but I really miss the concept album. My favorite of these would have to be Pink Floyd's "The Wall." I love every second of the double album. The thing is, you really need to hear all of it to truly appreciate it. Sides one through four, (or disk one and two) all the way through. Floyd even set up that album so that the ending of the final song can seamlessly transition right back into the beginning of side one - song one. In my opinion, one of the greatest albums in rock history. Other albums that I happen to love (in their entirety), in no particular order are the Beatles "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," "2112" by Rush (especially side 1), Collective Soul's "Dosage," and "Wish you were Here," also by Pink Floyd.

Also album cover art. I miss that too.

    It is my opinion that in the current climate and going forward, the idea of the "concept album" will be lost. There really isn't that much call for it with shuffle, and thumbs up to songs you love and quickly down to ones you haven't heard much... and won't ever again on Pandora. It's kind of a shame, which is why I still make sure to listen to my favorites from cover to cover on occasion.

As Bubba said, "That... that's about it."
Love ya's, 
Mr. Snarky
    P.S. Let me know in the comments.... am I wrong? Are artists still making "albums"? Also, what are some of your favorites from now or back then?

Friday, March 10, 2017

Here. Watch This! And This!

    Mr. Snarky feels like crap. Tried some nasal spray and practically melted his brain with it. Rather than write some garbage, I'm just gonna put up some of my favorite YouTube videos.

    This is one of the funniest prank calls ever. Don't drink milk while watching this. You've been warned.

    My favorite comedian, Brian Regan. Warning! There are NO swear words in the following video.

    One of my favorite YouTube stars with a different take on Bohemian Rhapsody.

    My favorite YouTube puppets take on Candy Crush

    And finally, When Harry Met Sally 2 trailer!

   I need some new ones to add to this list. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller??

Going to bed. Hoping I feel better in the morning.

Love, Snarky

Thursday, March 9, 2017

What in the Heck Were We Thinking?

    Mrs. Snarky and I have been watching Black Mirror on Netflix. If you haven't tried it already, give it a shot. Some of the episodes are a bit on the strange side, but if you stick with it, it's pretty solid. Anyway, the episode we watched tonight began in the 80's. The 80's were my decade. Graduated High School, went to college (for a little while), partied a lot, got married, and had kids. I started the 80's as a pimply faced kid with lots of hair, and ended them as a bald father of two. The years took a lot out of me I guess.

    We had some great movies - Back to the Future, The Princess Bride, and The Terminator - some movies that seemed great at the time - Footloose, The Goonies and Stripes (trust me, these movies have not aged well) - and some movies that have always sucked - Leonard Part 6, Ishtar, and anything with Michael Pare.
He was HUGE in Germany

    We also had.... some of the WORST music and fashion EVER!! Cyndi Lauper, Culture Club, Kim Carnes, Flock of Seagulls. UGH. It hurts my head just thinking about it.

If you've never seen this before, check it out. It's a trip.

    But what was worse was the hair. I haven't pulled out my old yearbooks lately, but I don't need to. The hair for both guys and girls was AWFUL! What's really sad is that I completely HATED the fact that my hair was curly and I couldn't get it to do this...

Wasn't he dreamy?

    Nope. I had to have an afro, unless I wanted dorky short hair. It wasn't easy being me. Don't worry. I'm better now, although me from back then probably wouldn't think so.

That's all for now.
With Love,
Mr. Snarky

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Voodoo Dolls and Sopranos and other nonsense


    Mr. Snarky would appreciate it if the person who has a Snarky voodoo doll would stop sticking the needles through its head. All day long, my head's been pounding. Pretty much ruined my day off. It's NOT stopping me from providing a quality blog post tonight though. I'm pushing through no matter what.

     I may have accidentally plagiarized one of my movie taglines the other day. I must've forgotten the scene from the Sopranos that I'll show below, but it was 100% unintentional. Unfortunately, it was not one of two that I decided to cut from my submission to The Onion Sports. Hopefully, they won't hold it against Mr. Snarky.

    I found some old raffle ticket stubs in my pocket today. Printed on them was, "Keep This Coupon." So, I put them back into my jacket. I'm compulsive about following directions.

     I went to DMV today. That sounds worse than it actually is. There are two DMV locations near Mr. Snarky. One is horribly crowded and takes about an hour to get your number called. The second was as crowded today as I've ever seen it. I was eleventh in line and it might've taken twenty minutes. Probably closer to fifteen. The reason I bring this up is... France. Paris, to be more precise. I'd always maintained that I had no interest in going to Paris until recently. After reading, "The Monuments Men," and learning more about the architecture and art and the Louvre, I decided that it might be worth checking out. Today, my old views were confirmed. 

    The gentleman helping me at the DMV counter was bilingual, speaking English and Spanish. We got to talking while he processed my paperwork and I said something about New Yorkers being rude. He said they have nothing on Paris, which wasn't a surprise. What got me was that he said they treated him wonderfully because he could speak Spanish as opposed to the other people with him on his school sponsored trip. So it's not Americans they have a problem with... just ones that speak English. So screw France. 

Oui. Or should I say non?

    I mean, I get it to an extent. I truly want to go to Rome. Before I do, I plan on at least learning some of the language. I don't expect to be fluent, but I want them to know that I at least tried to assimilate. Honestly though, I get non English speaking customers who live here in the U.S. and I'm not rude to them. I try to help them as much as possible. I'll probably change my mind when I get to travel to Europe. Being so close to that beauty will probably make it too much for me to resist. But for now, this is all I have to say to you Parisian snobs. PFFFFFFFTTTTTT!!!

That's all I have to say about that. 

Guess who

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Ode to an old friend - Snarky style

    Mr. Snarky tries to act as though he doesn't care. It's not an act, though. He really doesn't. He thinks it's nice to have friends when he needs them. But when he's trying to post something to his blog and his friend keeps texting him and distracting him? UGH. You know who you are, buddy. Remember the post from a few days ago when I said I'd blog every day? Yeah, well, you're trying to stop me, aren't you? Not this time, pal! I'll shut off my phone if I have to.

And I don't even have a dog

    Okay, fine. Call me on my Bullshit. You know I care, or we couldn't/wouldn't have been friends these 40 years or thereabouts. Holy crap, has it really been that long? Am I really this old? Do you remember when we used to hang out every single day and play ball until dark? When we'd get home and your mother would ask, "Did you eat anything today?" and you'd answer with a shrug. I learned to say, "I think so," which was really a lie, but not as bad as straight out fibbing. Do you remember the day you traded me the last 5 baseball cards I needed for my collection and I gave you every double I had that you needed? How about when we got a little older and you stole cigarettes from your mom? Menthol Virginia Slims, if I recall correctly. Good times, good times. And when you threw that snowball at the house on the way home from school and we wound up having to sit in the back of the cop car, trying to talk our way out of trouble? The amount of trouble we got in after that... my parents always blamed you. I'm guessing yours blamed me. I'm glad we never actually went too far and got into something REALLY deep. I think we were both too smart for that.

I never wanted this to happen to me. What's really weird is that we had that EXACT same front door.

    Anyway, you know the rest of the story. We went our separate ways for a while, met back up together, and then I went and moved 2000 miles away. It's always good to talk, and it's definitely fun when I get back home to spend a little time with family and friends, but it probably will never quite be the same. Sorry about that. It's all Mrs. Snarky's fault, but we're stuck together. I've told her multiple times, "If you leave me, I'm coming with you!"

Look at this cute couple! I need to redo it though. I don't smoke and the beard... not so dark these days.

    Let me close with a short PO EMMMM

Roses are red, violets are blue
of all of my guy friends, you're in the top two

Don't make me choose, which one I like best
or which one is cooler, or who I like less(t)

You know who you are, as I'm sure, so does he
but you both tied for second, behind my lay dee

Bro's before ho's, is that what you just said?
You sonofabitch! I'll kill you! You're dead!!!!

Don't make me come out there, I'll whoop on your ass,
Just like I did Henry, that time after class. 
(in the park district parking lot just didn't quite work)

Now I'm getting tired, this blog post is done
I'm ready for bed, I'm ready to run.

 Wherever you go, whatever you do,
of all of my friends, there's only one you.


Monday, March 6, 2017

Mr. Snarky applies for a writing job

   As many of you probably know, Mr. Snarky is a pretty avid sports fan. When he found out that The Onion Sports pages were looking for contributing writers, he nearly wet his pants. If you aren't familiar, which I found out today that many people aren't, The Onion is a satirical newspaper. They have many funny stories, very loosely based on real events, but completely untrue. The Onion was "fake news" before anyone was talking about it. (No, that wasn't a political statement. You have to admit that some people are talking about fake news) I've submitted my application and the deadline will have passed before I post this, so I can share it with you all without worrying that someone will steal it.

    The guidelines of the submission were simple. Give 5 and only 5 movie taglines or quotes of the greatest sports movies ever. Since I wrote 7 and threw out two of them, I'll list all 7 here. The other part was to write 10 phony headlines of possible articles you might see in The Onion Sports, without actually writing the articles. 10 were hard enough to come up with; especially considering I just heard about this a few days ago, so there are no extras.

Without further ado, here's what I came up with. I hope you like them.


Space Jam: When Michael Jordan was asked what was the hardest thing about his basketball career, he said, "Working with Bugs Bunny. That !@#$ rabbit is insane!"

Field of Dreams: According to Kevin Costner, the movie was almost cancelled during filming due to frequent orgies occurring in the cornfield.

Slap Shot: True story of minor league hockey star Ned Braden, who loved playing hockey, but hated wearing pants.

Pride of the Yankees: biographical tale of Lou Gehrig, who ironically died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

Moneyball: Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill play fantasy baseball... with a real MLB team.

Happy Gilmore: Completely realistic film about a hockey player who picks up a golf club for the first time and within a few weeks, is playing golf professionally.

Remember the Titans: Intriguing film about a town filled with racists who learn to like black people after they discover that they are good at football.


Former MMA star, Brock Lesnar refuses to watch Hockey, calling it, "Too violent."

Anonymous San Diego Padres employee says team has installed electric shock devices in seats to keep fans from falling asleep during games.

Professional Bowlers Association and World Boxing Association cite lack of interest in each sport as primary reason for merger to form World Professional Boxing Bowlers Association. 

NHL star Duncan Keith hit with slap shot to mouth a 2nd time; accidentally swallows puck, but continues to play until having it removed from esophagus between the 2nd and 3rd periods.

NASCAR's Jimmy Johnson diagnosed with vertigo: Dr. says only way to reverse it is driving 500 miles making only RIGHT turns.

Olympian Michael Phelps melts down most of his gold medals - uses proceeds to buy an island... Rhode Island,

Lefty McStrikesenspares, 38, of Fon Du Lac, Wisconsin, sets Guiness record for most games bowled in 24 hours with 284. Immediately following final game, his arm fell off.

Pop Warner star QB, Johnny "Spitball" Wilson says his 3rd grade classes are, "Too easy." Tells reporters, "I just want 'em to learn me stuff."

Charlie Tankard, 47, of Winnipeg, Manitoba's "One Season Curling Club," was listed in fair condition today after attempting to lick his spilt beer from the ice. Tankard's tongue was stuck for two hours while rescue teams tried to free him. He was unavailable for comment.

The Union Cycliste Internationale has stripped Henri DeJerque of his 2016 Tour de France title after discovering that DeJerque had been drinking Thoroughbred Horse Urine daily for the last 3 years. When asked if he'd appeal the ruling, DeJerque simply said, "Neigh."

Well, that's it. Wish me luck!

Love, Mr. Snarky

P.S. Which ones are your favorites? Which movies do you think I should've discarded? I'd love to hear from you in the comments.

P.P.S. I don't know who this John Duddy guy is who keeps putting up these posts. He's gonna have to stop impersonating me.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

My dirty rotten lazy no good brain

    So, tonight I've been working on a submission to a website that, quite frankly, I feel I'd be perfect for. It's a bit of a long shot, to be sure, but that doesn't mean I don't think I'll get it. I'm giving it my best shot and hopefully, they'll think I'm perfect for them too. I'll probably share my submission here at another time... just not until after the submission deadline. Anyway, it's occupying most of my creative brain cells and not leaving me much for my blog. Which brings me to my next point. If I'm gonna be able to post something decent every day for the next 26 or so days, I'll need a little help from you. What I'd like is some suggestions of topics you'd like to see me blog about. There are two ways to send me suggestions. Simply comment here on the bottom of any post, or email me at . I'd love to hear from you.

    What's happening right now is precisely the reason Mr. Snarky took such a long break from posting on this blog. Some days it flows out really easily, and others, not so much. Today is worse than, "not so much." It's more like, "Forget about it!" You see, I've already given my excuse for not coming up with something and my brain, being the pain in the ass that it is, has agreed with said excuse and doesn't feel like working on this at all. Lazy no good brain! 

"You can write whatever you want. I'll just be sleeping." 

    Earlier today, I got to see one of the little Snarkys act in a play. She is the 4th generation (at least) in our family to catch the acting bug. I have no idea if my grandfather, or any of my ancestors before him were actors, but my father (yes, Mr. Snarky was once a little Snarky too) was in dozens of plays as an actor, and a few as writer director as well. I've done a few, including some writing/directing, and my Daughter was in Children's Theater in High School. Watching my Granddaughter's first play was a lot of fun, and she did a wonderful job; especially when her character had to laugh. Instead of the fake laugh that some actors use...

"Just kidding, Ray. That's good. Really good."

    ... she sounded extremely natural. Made Grampa Snarks really proud. 

    I'm gonna just cut it off right here. Nothing else is coming tonight. I promise I'll think of something fun tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!
Love, Mr. Snarky