Friday, October 21, 2011

Kids are just GROSS!

I'm preempting this blog message to tell you that children are absolutely disgusting and gross.  Not only do they wipe boogers everywhere or just plain let them run down their faces, but they do horribly rude things like THIS...

Our 1 1/2 year old granddaughter just walked into the room with a handful of noodles she was squishing between her fingers (yes, we just had dinner.)  When she tried to hand the mush to me, I told her to go back to the kitchen and throw it away.  A minute or so later she came into the room and held her hands out for me to pick her up, hands still covered in all kinds of mush.  I sent her back to the kitchen to get her hands washed before I would pick her up only to have her show back up 30 seconds later with a papertowel asking for help.  I obliged and washed her hands off while her telling her what a good girl she was and then picked her up to hold her on my lap.  As she sat facing me, I gave her a drink of water while gushing about what a good and awesome little girl she was. She leaned in to give me what I thought was a kiss and proceeded to spit her water with chucks of chicken and noodles INTO my freaking mouth.  How does one spell out a heaving sound????? uuuuuuuwuuuah uuuuuuuuwuuuuah uuuuuuuwuah!!!! 
That will have to do.

I retaliated by taking the obnoxiously LOOOONG wig from "Tangled" and shoving it between her diapered butt and her pants allowing most of it to dangle on the floor like an overgrown horse tail.  I thought it was cute and that she would probably hate it and complain.  Pffffft No chance of that.  She thought it was awesome and that her Grandmother Snarky was cool for even thinking of it.  The next 1/2 hour was spent watching her "shake her booty" and having to "fick it" for her whenever the wig started to slip out.  So not fair.  She's having fun and I'm spitting goop out of my mouth.  I really need to refine my means of torture!

Mrs. Snarky

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Thursday, October 20, 2011

The 10 worst song lyrics EVER!!

I have a coworker that likes a whole lot of music that I can't stand. Usually, in the morning, we listen to her station and in the afternoon, mine. Also in the morning, I rip on her songs, and as you've probably guessed by now, she rips mine in the afternoon. It's nothing personal; we just have different tastes in music. I have good taste, and she has bad. Over time, we've each come to like a little of the other's music, but not too much. The thing is, she likes music you can dance to.... lyrics don't matter. To me, lyrics are the most important part of the song. If the lyrics suck, or are too repetitive, I don't like the song. Please don't get too upset if I hate on a song that you love. Truthfully, musical taste is completely subjective just like food. If you love a certain food that I hate, it won't mean that I think you're gross. Except for if you love beets...then you are extremely gross. Isn't that right Mrs. Snarky? Anyway, here are ten songs that I think could've used a little bit more time with a good lyricist.

10. KISS - Rock and Roll All Night: What is with my generation and Kiss? They had VERY little talent and a good stage show. As far as I'm concerned, they put on the show to cover up for their lousy songs. Consider this gem... "You keep on shoutin' You keep on shoutin! I wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day. I wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day"... over and over again ad infinitum. The song ends with the repetition of this pearl of wisdom not 4... not 5... not even 6. No. It was such a great line, they repeated it 9 times.

9. Lady Gaga - I could pick a few... but I'll go with Bad Romance: Okay... she's got some talent... but so did Pavarotti. I didn't like listening to him sing either. Gaga probably has the best gimmick in music since... KISS. Anyway, I'm not sure how she came up with this but here goes. "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!" And she darn well means that too. So much so that she repeats it about 4 or 5 times.

8. Aqua - Barbie Girl : This is without a doubt, one of the worst songs to get stuck in your head. I was a fairly young dad when this came out and my little daughter asked for it for Christmas or her birthday or something. Little did I know then that buying an 8 year old a cd meant that she would listen to one song from it around 10 times a day. UGH! Makes me shiver just thinking about it. "I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic."

7. Maroon 5 - Moves Like Jagger: There are a few Maroon 5 songs that I actually like. This is NOT one of them. Adam Levine's voice going up and down the music scale might be impressive... in fact I'd probably sprain my vocal chords just trying it. That's right, I said sprain... because strain wouldn't begin to describe it. That still doesn't mean I want to hear him do it. And once again, to pick on my co-worker, she loves this song... so I asked her who Jagger is. No idea. Didn't really know the Stones either. So now, when the Stones come on my station, I point it out every time. To be fair, she is just a kid, and probably looks at me like an old man... but still, the Rolling Stones? "With the moves like Jagger, I got the moves like Jagger, I got the moo ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ves like Jagger." Stunning.

6. The Police - De Do Do Do, De Dah Dah Dah: "Is all I want to say to you. De do do do, de dah dah dah, They're meaningless and all that's true." Sheer brilliance.

Well, this took longer than expected. Let's call that part 1. To be continued.... expect pt. 2 Saturday or Sunday.

Love, Mr.Snarky

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Before this goes any further, NO I DO NOT SLEEP ALL THE TIME. The problem is, Mrs. Snarky NEVER sleeps when she is supposed to be tired. Last night, there I was dreaming of better ways to make fun of people without them even realizing it, when out of nowhere, the damned laptop screen is shining on my face. I heard  the tapping of the keys, so I opened one eye and looked over and asked the Mrs. if she was EVER going to sleep. She is ALL kinds of excited and tells me that she got us signed up to do the blog and we have twitter and email and blah blah blah blah blah. Well, when she gets going, let me tell you, she REALLY gets going. Doesn’t matter that it’s after 2 am. Doesn’t matter that I have to get up to get an MRI done in the morning. So I’m awake then.
After a couple of hours of this, lights are off. I’m staring at the ceiling. It’s flickering different colors because of some damned TV show she’s snoring to on Netflix. My mind starts rolling like it can only do at 4 in the morning. I start thinking of posts I want to write, things that we can do to get more people snarkified; that kind of thing. I come up with what I think is a great idea for a post. It’s the 10 songs with the worst lyrics ever written, which I will post tomorrow. One thing leads to another and in my head is one of my all-time favorite shitty songs.  Someone needs to come up with a notation that shows sarcasm… can you help me out with this? Let me just say that nothing beats hearing a crappy, repetitive song rattling through your brain at 5 o’clock in the fucking morning when you have to get up in a few hours. So yeah, I took a nap! Sue me!

All my love, Mr. Snarky    

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Snarky Profile Picture

Just spent the better part of the day spiffing ourselves up, hiring a photographer, snapping hundreds of profile pictures and doing touch-ups on Photoshop.  Honestly, being beautiful can be such a pain in the ass.  The whole process wore out Mr. Snarky and he is once again sleeping.  Well, he is unconsciously watching the movie "The Last Starfighter."

You know, we've spent countless hours playing video games and really kicking ass at it and never once have we been offered the opportunity to head out into space to save the world let alone the galaxy.  I'm fairly certain that "The Last Starfighter" is full of shit.  I'm more inclined to believe that the movie "Inception" is more along the lines of reality.  In fact, as much as I love to sleep, I think that "Inception" is right up my alley.

I'll work on that tonight.  In the meantime, here is our glamour shot.

Don't hate us because we're beautiful.
Snark at you soon....  Mrs. Snarky

The Meet Cute

"A meet cute is a convention of romantic comedies in which two potential romantic partners meet in a contrived way in unusual or comic circumstances. A staple of the romantic genre, the technique creates an artificial situation contrived by the filmmakers in order to bring together characters in an entertaining manner. Frequently the "meet cute" leads to a humorous clash of personalities or beliefs, embarrassing situations, or comical misunderstandings that further drive the plot." -- Wikipedia

Welcome to our Snarky blog.  We seriously hope that what you find here is a place to laugh and have fun.  We are a husband and wife team who enjoys laughter above all else.  Well, that and excellent spelling and grammar.  And new socks.  Oh, and great coffee.  Movies as well.  We like those.  And music.  READING!  We love reading.  We also like to bitch, moan, encourage, eat and smoke.  Well, the smoking we're quitting, but we won't quit eating no matter what the surgeon general says!!!!  Sometimes there's beer involved.  At least for Mr. Snarky.  Mrs. Snarky hates turning bright red and lying flat due to alcohol induced migraines.  

If any of this sounds fun (other than the migraines and the smoking, because we do NOT endorse smoking even though we do it) then you, dear reader, have come to the right blog!!!  

We are hard at work (Mr. Snarky is sleeping, Mrs. Snarky is hard at work) at creating a crapload of posts to put up for your reading enjoyment.  We hope you find reasons to stop in often to read our ramblings!

Mrs. Snarky