Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I love my job... sometimes

I am writing this post as a public service to cashiers everywhere. I am not a cashier, but it is a fairly large part of my job. Glamorous I know. Cashiers have always held a special place in my heart. They work hard, stand on their feet all day, make crappy money, work crappy hours, and worst of all, they have to deal with the public constantly while trying to keep a smile on their face. Don't get me wrong; for the most part, I enjoy dealing with the public. There are just certain things about it that make me crazy.

DO NOT TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE WHILE IN LINE... EVER!!! I mean it! Yesterday, a woman in line at the register was talking to her friend. She was at the front of the line and we couldn't help her without talking to her first. Her conversation, two decibels higher than a normal speaking voice, went something like this: "Yeah, I'm at the pharmacy right now. Uh huh. Well, I'm picking something up. No, at the drugstore. Yeah. I probably should go because I'm at the drugstore getting something for Charlie. Uh huh. Yeah." It went on like that for 2 or 3 minutes. Incredibly engaging conversation that couldn't possibly wait until AFTER picking up Charlie's meds, right? Hang up the damned phone lady! Even if you're just picking up a bottled water or something, talking on the phone says to the clerk that they mean absolutely nothing to you. Please, please don't do it.

Do not lick your finger when you are taking out your money or checkbook or debit card. This is especially true when you are at the pharmacy picking up antibiotics. It may sound silly, but people do it all the time... especially people over 50. I often want to stick out my hand and ask them if they'd like to spit on it, because in effect, that is what they've done. Instead, I grab the hand sanitizer, set it on the counter, and douse my hand right in front of them before taking the money to see if they get the hint. From what I can tell, none of them ever have.

If you want to make conversation, great. Just remember that this cashier has heard many of the same lines over and over and over all day every day. I'm not being clear here, so let me give you some examples. Yes, those of us who have to make you sign in the box know that it looks nothing like your signature. We don't give a rip. If an item you are trying to purchase has no price sticker or won't scan, IT ISN'T FREE! The teller at your bank who laughs when you stick her up by pretending your finger is a gun... thinks you are an idiot. And when she asks you how you want your 200 dollars, cash is NOT the answer she's looking for. The guy at the gas station knows that gas prices are really high. It's not his fault. When I worked at a different drug store that had a preferred customer card, the cashiers were required to tell them how much they saved by using the card. Me, "You saved 93 cents with your card." Them, "93 cents is 93 cents, hahaha" Me, "Really? I thought it was 92 cents. But actually, in 1953 dollars, 93 cents is 17 cents. And in Canada, 93 cents is more like 80 cents. But thanks for sharing." Okay, so I never said the last sentence. Instead I just tried not to make faces at them as they left. "Have a nice day!" Then under my breath, "MORON!"

Lastly, do not ever just throw your wadded up money on the counter. I can't speak for every cashier, but when I tell you the total and you flop money out there like that, it brings to mind just one word. Asshole!

Remember that cashiers, while not having the most exciting job in the world, are people. They HATE when you treat them like dirt or like they are invisible. When you have to wait in line, it's usually not their fault. They don't like it either. They've been standing there all day; you've only had to stand there for 5 minutes. They have a list of things they are supposed to be getting done when it's not busy and the crowd you see in front of you in line means that they can't do it and the manager doesn't care whether it's too busy. He only sees that the list hasn't been completed. So remember, the guy who takes your money might just be going to school to try to improve himself; the girl who runs your debit card might be a single mommy just trying to survive. Give 'em a break, would you? I'd appreciate it.

Hope this didn't make you mad because... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
But if it did make you mad.... PFFFFFFFTTTT! Mr. Snarky

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Superheroes... almost

My favorite 3 year old boy LOVES superheroes. He has DVDs, puzzles, outfits, coloring books and action figures. He has introduced me to several superheroes and villains that I had no idea existed. This led me to a thought; if there are that many superheroes, surely there were some who were "left on the drawing board"  After a little research, I discovered these never before released Superheroes who never made it.

The Mosquito, AKA Buzz Miller: When Buzz discovered the ability to turn into a mosquito, he was determined to help New York City police in solving crimes. Unfortunately, two days later, while making a deposit at his credit union, armed robbers arrived. Never having had the time to determine what good could come of his power, he decided to give it a shot anyway. He transformed, bit the first robber he could find, and was promptly slapped, ending his career before it had a chance. Rest In Peace Buzz.

Mr Toilet, AKA Louis Commode: Loo, as he is known by his friends, is a mild mannered janitor working for a defense contractor. When he has his sights set on an evildoer, he goes into a stall, and quickly transforms himself into Mr. Toilet. When the unsuspecting bad guy sits down, Mr. Toilet swallows him whole. His sometime assistant, Dr. Ex-lax, occasionally helps him on a really hard case.

Sgt. Racker: Racker is a retired Marine drill Sargent. He has no super power. If someone is doing something wrong, he kicks them right in the nuts. That's all.

Skunkman, AKA Mal Oder: Mal works as a file clerk for a Washington lobbyist. He seeks out government corruption and when he finds it, he sprays it down, leaving the offender with a foul smell that can only be removed with a bath in tomato juice.

The Human Tornado, AKA Billy Ray Gibson: Billy Ray is the maintenance man at a trailer park in Mississippi. After a nasty incident involving a stolen 6 pack of Old Milwaukee, the residents of the park learned to NEVER EVER piss Billy Ray off again.

Papa Razzi: Papa lives in LA. The biggest crime he has foiled was at a convenience store. He took so many pictures of the perpetrator, the man was blinded and unable to drive the getaway car and the authorities arrived in time to confiscate the stolen red bulls and beef jerky.

Soup or Man, AKA Pierre Bouilliabaisse: He tried fighting crime, but it didn't work out very well. Peter's super power was, unfortunately, the ability to turn himself into a bowl of soup. The criminals either laughed at him, or took a few bites. His biggest success came when his arch nemesis, Jimmy the Jaywalker took a big bite and forgot to blow on the spoon, severely burning his lips.

Rain Man, AKA Chief Winnebago: The chief is the greatest rain dancer the world has ever seen. When crimes are in progress, he does his dance and the evil doers are quickly soaked to the bone. However, he has not yet learned to control the more powerful lightning and his arch rivals know this, always remembering to bring towels and a change of clothes to the crime scenes.

                                          Hope you all have a great week. Love, Mr Snarky