As many of you probably know, Mr. Snarky is a pretty avid sports fan. When he found out that The Onion Sports pages were looking for contributing writers, he nearly wet his pants. If you aren't familiar, which I found out today that many people aren't, The Onion is a satirical newspaper. They have many funny stories, very loosely based on real events, but completely untrue. The Onion was "fake news" before anyone was talking about it. (No, that wasn't a political statement. You have to admit that some people are talking about fake news) I've submitted my application and the deadline will have passed before I post this, so I can share it with you all without worrying that someone will steal it.
The guidelines of the submission were simple. Give 5 and only 5 movie taglines or quotes of the greatest sports movies ever. Since I wrote 7 and threw out two of them, I'll list all 7 here. The other part was to write 10 phony headlines of possible articles you might see in The Onion Sports, without actually writing the articles. 10 were hard enough to come up with; especially considering I just heard about this a few days ago, so there are no extras.
Without further ado, here's what I came up with. I hope you like them.
Movies
Space Jam: When Michael Jordan was asked what was the hardest thing about his basketball career, he said, "Working with Bugs Bunny. That !@#$ rabbit is insane!"
Field of Dreams: According to Kevin Costner, the movie was almost cancelled during filming due to frequent orgies occurring in the cornfield.
Slap Shot: True story of minor league hockey star Ned Braden, who loved playing hockey, but hated wearing pants.
Pride of the Yankees: biographical tale of Lou Gehrig, who ironically died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
Moneyball: Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill play fantasy baseball... with a real MLB team.
Happy Gilmore: Completely realistic film about a hockey player who picks up a golf club for the first time and within a few weeks, is playing golf professionally.
Remember the Titans: Intriguing film about a town filled with racists who learn to like black people after they discover that they are good at football.
Headlines
Former MMA star, Brock Lesnar refuses to watch Hockey, calling it, "Too violent."
Anonymous San Diego Padres employee says team has installed electric shock devices in seats to keep fans from falling asleep during games.
Professional Bowlers Association and World Boxing Association cite lack of interest in each sport as primary reason for merger to form World Professional Boxing Bowlers Association.
NHL star Duncan Keith hit with slap shot to mouth a 2nd time; accidentally swallows puck, but continues to play until having it removed from esophagus between the 2nd and 3rd periods.
NASCAR's Jimmy Johnson diagnosed with vertigo: Dr. says only way to reverse it is driving 500 miles making only RIGHT turns.
Olympian Michael Phelps melts down most of his gold medals - uses proceeds to buy an island... Rhode Island,
Lefty McStrikesenspares, 38, of Fon Du Lac, Wisconsin, sets Guiness record for most games bowled in 24 hours with 284. Immediately following final game, his arm fell off.
Pop Warner star QB, Johnny "Spitball" Wilson says his 3rd grade classes are, "Too easy." Tells reporters, "I just want 'em to learn me stuff."
Charlie Tankard, 47, of Winnipeg, Manitoba's "One Season Curling Club," was listed in fair condition today after attempting to lick his spilt beer from the ice. Tankard's tongue was stuck for two hours while rescue teams tried to free him. He was unavailable for comment.
The Union Cycliste Internationale has stripped Henri DeJerque of his 2016 Tour de France title after discovering that DeJerque had been drinking Thoroughbred Horse Urine daily for the last 3 years. When asked if he'd appeal the ruling, DeJerque simply said, "Neigh."
Well, that's it. Wish me luck!
Love, Mr. Snarky
P.S. Which ones are your favorites? Which movies do you think I should've discarded? I'd love to hear from you in the comments.
P.P.S. I don't know who this John Duddy guy is who keeps putting up these posts. He's gonna have to stop impersonating me.
P.P.S. I don't know who this John Duddy guy is who keeps putting up these posts. He's gonna have to stop impersonating me.
I enjoyed what you came up with, but I choked when I read about the merge of the WPBBA....keep 'em coming, and good luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks for always commenting, Collie. It's interesting that you mentioned the WPBBA one. You are the first, although I only showed this to two other people before I posted it.
Delete