Thursday, March 23, 2017

The Fog

    I haven't laughed, or made anyone laugh today. Not once that I can remember. Yesterday either. Maybe, just maybe Mrs. Snarky laughed at something I said, but she's always laughing at me. In a good way, although since becoming an adult, I don't really mind if people laugh at me. Makes me feel good that I've made them giggle, even if they are laughing AT me instead of with me.

    Today, and yesterday, not so much. Not at all, if I'm being real. For some reason, real is all I've got right now. I hope you don't mind. I have a bit of depression. Always have, always will. It's never been enough to make me want to jump off a bridge or anything, but it makes me withdraw.

    Every other Thursday, six to seven of our family members get together and have a writing/ creativity group. When I'm feeling it, I love it. We share stories, have dinner and have a lot of laughs. Depression doesn't mean sadness, although it can be a small part of it. For me, it's more of an emptiness that makes me shrink back into my head and hide. It's a feeling of inadequacy, even though I know that plenty of people care about me. It is also straight up pain. I don't know if the pain causes the depression or vice versa, but they kind of go hand in hand. I felt withdrawn and incapable of creativity tonight. I just remembered... I did make them laugh once, but I think it was just because they expected it to be funny. If I were in a good state of mind, maybe it would've been.

My mind feels something like this picture... foggy and barren, and it seems that spring will...

    ...never come, and yet, I know better than to let it consume me. Tomorrow I may feel on top of the world. The sun could be shining, my favorite music playing and I'm driving with the sunroof open down the Pacific Coast Highway. It's beautiful. Stunning even. Just not now. I really don't want to do anything but crawl into bed. Hide. From you. From my closest loved ones. From myself. Just... hide.

    At work, I smiled and said hello to friends and strangers alike. I put on my happy face. But it isn't real. It's a mask. I'm nervous to share this with people. I don't think I've ever gone into this much depth about it with anyone. Not ever. I hope you don't mind.

    Just so you know, I'm not asking for help or sympathy. It's just something I deal with from time to time. And I know I'm not alone. I also know that I'm supposed to be funny in my posts, and that makes me feel like I'm not doing my job when I write this. I've got the entire day off tomorrow, so I'll try to get some sleep and hope I'm feeling better.

    One last thing before I go. You are also not alone if you have feelings like this. It's okay. Ask for help if you need it. Figure out some way to let it out, and don't let it eat you up inside. You are loved. You are important. You matter.

Be well.

Love, Me

1 comment:

  1. You told me the other night that people read the posts but that they rarely leave a comment. I'm glad you wrote THIS rather than push yourself to be funny. I was just talking to Beth today about depression and feeling like I'm in the thick of it right now. And you're right, it IS okay to have feelings like this. It's a brave thing you've done by putting it out there like this. I hope that someone who really needs this post reads it and feels less lonely because of it.


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