Invading South America... and ...The "Big Game"

South America, YOU ARE MINE!!! Last week, I lamented the fact that South America was the least Snarky continent on the planet. Readers were getting their Snark on from all over the globe.... just not there. Well, thanks to some help from a loyal reader, I have brought Snarkiness to one of the lands to the south, (does the continent have a good nickname? Australia and the rest of Oceania is down under, Africa is the dark continent, what the heck is South America?) and the entirety of the continent shall soon fall under my spell. In all 12 countries of South America, people will be learning to say "Snarky" in Spanish and Portuguese and asking each other questions like, "Why do we say a pair of underwear?" Then their friend will say, "Yeah, really. But a bra... is just one. Es mui loco," or some such Spanish stuff. Seriously though, why do we say I'm going to put on some shorts and a t-shirt, and then come back with just one of each? I've never understood that. But if you said, "I'm putting on a short and some t-shirts, people would look at you as if you really were mui loco. Anyway, I digress. To the person in the country of Chile... I salute you for your bravery. To the rest of the continent, c'mon! Check it out! And to Collie, as promised, a free lifetime subscription to the Snarky Couple and my undying gratitude for getting things started down there.

Now, on to part 2. The Big Game. The Snarky Couple is not affiliated with the NFL or any of its franchises and therefore cannot use the phrase Super Bowl without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League. Except for in the preceding sentence. Yeah.

Every year at this time, I get tired of people being unable to use Super Bowl (oops) in their advertising unless they are one of the official sponsors. Joe's bar and grill has to say "Big Game Party." That is until the elephants, tigers and lions in the jungles of Africa sue for the exclusive rights to be called "Big Game" and then the NFL will come up with some other phrase that is acceptable such as, "The Extremely Monumental Annual American Football Classic" or some such nonsense. I'm seriously tired of it. But if I were an ad exec, here's what I'd do. I'd cheat. I'll show you what I mean. Here is my "Screw the NFL" TV and Radio ad campaign.

1. Chunky Soup: A couple is chatting and all of a sudden the man looks at his watch and says, "It's time for the big game honey. I think this one is going to be Super." The wife immediately says, "Bowl of Chunky Soup dear?"





2. Great Clips: Announcer: This week and this week only we are offering our incredible "Super Bowl-Cut" for just 9.95!"

3. Target: A little girl is walking around trying to bounce her ball and it just isn't bouncing very high. She walks up to her dad and says,"Can I get a new Super Ball Sunday Daddy?" Announcer: "For all your Super Ball needs, and much much more, get to Target."

4. Beef: A woman is standing on the porch of her farm house ringing a bell. All the farm hands come running in to the kitchen. She is serving steak. Announcer: When you're ringing your supper bell Sunday, be sure they leave it all out on the field. Beef, it's what's for dinner.

5. Tupperware: Announcer: "Kids. They're just plain messy. But after years of development, tupperware has finally come up with a mess free way for your kids to eat cereal. We call it "The Sipper Bowl"

and finally...

6. FOX network: Announcer: "You've seen him appear as a comedian, on game shows, and on the Tonight Show. Now, comedian Soupy Sales takes on his biggest challenge ever. On February 1st, Mr. Sales heads to the lanes. Don't miss "Soupy Bowls Sunday!"

It probably would be his greatest challenge ever since Soupy is deceased, but Whoopi Bowls Sunday just didn't work.

Hope everyone has a Happy Big Game Day!

Love, Mr. Snarky

Why I Love Post-Apocalyptic Shows but Could Never Survive the Post-Apocalyptic Era

       I've always had a thing about post-apocalyptic shows.  Books as well, as I'm pretty sure this whole fascination started with Stephen King's "The Stand."  Not the unabridged version, mind you.  That one just grosses me out.

I watch "The Day After Tomorrow" at least twice a year.  I'm on pins and needles waiting for "The Walking Dead" to hurry up and add more episodes.  I've made my way through the television shows "Jericho," "Jeremiah," "Survivors," along with "Lost" which lets face it, is really along the lines of post-apocalyptic.

There is just something about going up against the odds with a group of people and having to survive something completely unthinkable.

I do have say though, I could seriously NEVER ever ever EVER survive during a post-apocalypse.  Seriously.  I'm too nice.  Haven't eaten for days?   Here, take my food.  No place to sleep?  Well, gosh, take my weather beaten refrigerator box.

I REALLY wouldn't make it through a ZOMBIE apocalypse.  "Oh Hi Zombie.... sure, eat my brains!"

What about an apocalypse that is filled with Vampires?  Oh hell no.  I am NOT letting "Twilight" and "The Vampire Diaries" fool me.  Vampires are bad-mmmm-kay?  Not that Zombies aren't bad.... they are.  But I'm sure I could outrun one.  If a Vampire attacked me and bit my neck.... I'd want it to finish the job.  Drain me dry because NO WAY do I ever want to BE a vampire!  Come on.... vegetarian vampires?  Whatever.  Not true.   I'd be WAY pissed off if I were turned.  Live for hundreds of years?  On BLOOD???  Ummmm, EW!  I like my steak WELL done.  There is no way I could drink blood to survive or keep myself from mummifying.  That is what happens you know.  If a vampire doesn't drink blood.... she just gets REAL ugly and wrinkled and can't move because her body becomes mummified.

Another reason NOT to become a vampire for me...  I'm too old!!!  If I were in my 20's and in good shape I MIGHT go along with the idea of surviving hundreds of years as a vampire.  But seriously, I'm WAY too out of shape.

Aside from vampires and zombies... if I survived the apocalypse I'd be down right angry.  No hot water??  No electricity????  No FACEBOOK???  No VIDEO GAMES???  Ahh, come on!!!!

Gotta run.  Need to stock up on water, vitamins, pain killers, anti-biotics, dried food, blankets, battery operated televisions, laptops, water heaters, washers, dryers.... you know, the basics.

                                                                                             Mrs. Snarky

There's nothing worse than....

... a dead battery. Huh? A commercial I saw the other day told me that. Seriously? NOTHING WORSE?!? You've got to be kidding me. I could probably think of {TEN THOUSAND} things that are worse than a dead battery. Cancer for instance. That's worse. That's WAY worse. Maybe if they said, " There's nothing worse than a dead battery when you're on the south side of Chicago at 3 am, drunk as hell, carrying 22 grand that was closer to 30 grand a few hours earlier and you were supposed to have given the whole 30 to your "Uncle Guido", who is rumored to have dumped somewhere in the neighborhood of 13 bodies in a swamp out in the western suburbs over the last seven years. True, there probably is nothing worse than that, as I can tell you from experience. Which is why I moved halfway across the country and am now disguised as Mr. Snarky. But that's a tale for another time.

Anyway. Due to the fact that I haven't slept much lately (mostly due to bad dreams about Uncle Guido) and because I don't really feel like it, I am absolutely not going to try to come up with those 10,000 things that are worse. Actually, it would be 9,998 now with the whole cancer and Uncle Guido thing. No, I'm not doing that. Instead I give you my TOP FIVE THINGS NOT INVOLVING DEATH THAT ARE ALL IN THEIR OWN RIGHT MUCH WORSE THAN HAVING A DEAD BATTERY. Now, you might say that having a dead battery involves death... you know, the damn battery, and therefore the car is dead. I'd tell you to shut up if you said that. Seriously. Shut up. Thanks.

5. The New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, Boston Celtics, Detroit Red Wings, and Notre Dame Fightin' Irish Football all win championships in the same year... AND Tiger Woods wins the Grand Slam in Golf. For my friends across the pond, which is kind of a dumb saying if you want to know the truth, because, really, who are we kidding, it's a damn ocean, not a pond... umm yeah, Manchester United takes the Premier League. That would ALL suck as far as Mr and Mrs. Snarky are concerned. She probably would only be pissed about the Yankees, but then she'd be very empathetic for me, so what more can I ask for. Sorry if you're a fan of one or more of these teams. Really... I AM SORRY.

4. Internet outages. Damn I hate those.

3. While you are exploring a cave in Mexico, the owners of the land decide to start strip mining and cover up the entrance. You are trapped for 12 days, subsisting on spiders, ticks, and rats and drinking your own... {no forget that part...} drinking from a small underground pond with water that tastes like a mixture of oil and mud, only to discover that if you had continued around the pond for about half a mile rather than drink the foul water, the back end of the cave opened into Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Cantina AND if you had done this on the 2nd day, you would have been there just in time for his "Birthday Bash" AND you would have met your future wife, who instead has hooked up with your arch enemy from high school who was the quarterback and who seemed to always wind up going out with the girl you liked who said, and I quote, "He's a really nice guy, but..." A little unrealistic? Maybe. But it truly would suck.

2. Falling off a third story balcony and being impaled on a fence post. Through the rectum. Ouch.

1. You've died and gone to hell. I know, I know, I said there was no death involved. I lied. Sue me. Anyway, it's my damn blog and I'll write what I want. Maybe you were dead before I started writing. Did you ever even think of that? Huh? Okay. Glad that's settled. So this hell we are talking about, it's not that whole fire and brimstone hell that people usually envision. No, this is Dante's Inferno hell, 7 levels or whatever, because nobody has ever actually read that, have they? {Mrs. Snarky just informed me that she HAS read Dante's Inferno} In your... well, who am I kidding, let me start over... In MY personal hell, I am living in a single wide in an area like Seattle, only colder, and wetter. 24-7, 365. The sun NEVER shines. I am married to a lovely woman who is 4 foot 3 and 476 pounds. She has not gotten out of bed in over 300 years. We have 12 kids. All in diapers. We have 15 cats. 1 litterbox. (I've told you about my gag reflex, right? I don't mind cats, but...) We have a television and a stereo. They each get two channels. The TV has Disney and Nickelodeon, but SpongeBob has been cancelled. The stereo actually gets its feed from Sirius Satellite, which sounds okay until I find out that my choice of stations are "Conway Twitty and Friends", or "All Eminem, All the Time." I live next door to the playboy mansion, only all the walls are glass and it is walled off more securely than Guantanamo. The only food I can ever seem to scrape up are beets, bread and butter pickles and sardines.

So now, I would like 2 things from you, my readers. First, I pose you all the same question: What is worse than a dead battery. I would love some comments. Short and sweet like # 2 or 4, or long winded like 1, 3 and 5.

2nd, and maybe I wasn't clear enough about this the first time I asked...

I WANT SOUTH AMERICA!!!!

Of all the hits I get on this thing, one of you must know someone in South America. Please email them or facebook message them the following and I will love you forever if they do it:

Dear (insert name here), could you do me a favor? I'm trying to win a contest. Just click on this link http://thesnarkycouple.blogspot.com/ and I win! Then, if you comment on the blog that you got someone from whatever country they live in to click it, you really will win. What will I win you ask... that's easy. A free lifetime subscription t the Snarky Couple AND my undying gratitude. Isn't that great?

Love and hope and peace and harmony,

Mr. Snarky

Being normal is OVERRATED

Or at least I think it is, having never been accused of being normal myself. That may sound like I'm joking. I'm not. Believe it or not, Mr. Snarky was not always the cool, well-adjusted, wise-ass that you all know and love. In fact, Mr. Snarky was quite the nerd in his formative years. Misunderstood, picked on and laughed at while wearing some really bad clothes that his mom picked out for him. Mr. Snarky getting picked on mostly stemmed from the fact that he was FAR from normal.

The reason I bring up normalcy is because of something a family member's friend is going through with their most definitely not-normal child. Now, normally (see what I did there?) Mr. Snarky doesn't take on serious subjects. This one is quite serious, so I won't get into too many details and will try to keep things lighthearted. This child, and also the child of the family member, which coincidentally makes her a family member too (Mr. Snarky doesn't like to tell people that he's a grandfather, even though he loves his grandchildren very much, because he doesn't want you to think he's old... so don't tell anyone) ummm, where was I? Oh yeah... both of these children have a chromosomal disorder and the family friend's child is having extremely serious health issues and needs life saving surgery which is presently being denied due to her disability. That was a mouthful and perhaps a little hard to comprehend... sorry. Those are all the details I will supply in this blog, but if you really want the rest of the story, which I truly hope you do, I'll post lots of links to it at the end.

Anyway, moving forward, here are some things Mr. Snarky has done in his life to prove how normal he is not. Yes, I know the sentence structure sucked right there. I don't care, but thanks for noticing.

I've done drunken jumping jacks at 3 am in the middle of one of the busiest roads in town. Thankfully, there were no cars coming at that hour. I'm more thankful that there wasn't a police car in the vicinity.

While in my 20's, I saved one of my best friends from drowning while my dad's fishing boat was sinking underneath us. I know, most people would probably do the same. The thing is, we were in about 2 feet of water.

A friend and I, the same one I was with for the jumping jacks, were in Toys R Us. We each grabbed up a Hoppity Horse...

(For those of you under thirty, this is a Hoppity Horse)

... and bounced around the store. We didn't stop until the store manager asked us if we weren't maybe a little too old to be playing with the toys. He was younger than we were at the time.

While sitting in class, especially in grade school, I tended to get bored and distracted easily. I was always able to follow what the teacher was saying even if I seemed like I wasn't paying attention. It drove many of them crazy. While bored, I tended to play with pencils, doodle, pretty normal things like that. I also tended to get my shoelaces tied around the post underneath the desk and fall down when it was time to go to lunch. Okay, once is not a tendency, but another time, I got my hands stuck in a hole in the back of my chair and had to cry out for help when I couldn't get them out. Many thanks are owed to Rod Connelly for taking care of that. I he hadn't helped, I might have had to have my arm amputated, and I'm pretty sure that would've sucked.

I have an extremely strong gag reflex. Mrs. Snarky finds this hilarious. She has laughed at me for choking half to death the first time I put my partial into my mouth; she was nearly doubled over laughing at me when I half-walked/half-ran out of the Elephant house at Lincoln Park zoo, gagging over the smell; she laughed so hard she cried when I stumbled my way out of the outhouse at the Redwood Forest, heaving over the foul stench that had filled my lungs. HA HA HA! Very funny! NOT!!!!

Once, while asleep, and obviously dreaming, I was lying on my side, facing away from Mrs. Snarky. I lifted my left arm into the air and loudly said, "1... 2... 3!" I rolled over onto my back and shouted, "I....CHOOSE... THIS!!!" I then reached over, grabbed her hand, and placed it straight on my crotch.

You get the point. I'm not normal. I'm fine with that.

Much love to all you abnormal people out there!

I hope you check out these links. Thanks! Mr. Snarky.

Please please please comment if these make an impact on you.

A mother's heartfelt struggles through a blog post...

A local news report on the family's dealings with the hospital...

An article defending what the hospital has done...

Another article against what the hospital has done...

A Youtube video of children with Wolf-Hirschhorn,

And finally, an online petition to sign if you are so inclined.

I wonder... If my Surgeon could've known how abnormal I would turn out, would he have taken the lump out of my throat in 9th grade? Just wondering. Thanks to all who made it this far!

Mr. Snarky's new couch/computer/sleeping workout routine.

The other day I was sucking down an Rx Energy drink by Arizona Iced Tea Company. My coworker mentioned that she felt it was too fattening and so she won't drink it anymore. Of course, trying to prove people wrong is one of my favorite pastimes, so I check out the label, which shows around 115 calories. No big deal, right? A closer look revealed that this 23 ounce drink held 3 servings making the total calories 345. Wait a sec. So just under 8 ounces is a serving? Right. I am a BIG drinker, and I don't mean alcohol. On a typical day, I drink a bunch of water in the morning after brushing my teeth, a large coffee, a 40 ounce diet pop (soda if you prefer), one of the cans of Arizona teas, a large milk or water with dinner, and a cup of tea or medium glass of water before bed. Sorry Arizona tea company, 8 ounces is just a bit more than a sip!

Now that you know more about Mr. Snarky's drinking habits than you ever cared to, let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Not sure exactly how that fits in to the post, I just felt like quoting Inigo Montoya. Anyway, the discussion turned to ways of burning calories. She said she likes to work out on the treadmill three to four hours a week to burn off the junk she sometimes eats. Me, I like to sit on the couch, sit at the computer, or go to sleep, much more than getting on a treadmill. Those things are dangerous anyway. She's probably too young to have ever watched The Jetsons but I've seen first hand what can happen on them.

See what I mean?

I am an average sized, mid-forties male. From what I've seen, most men my age fall into one of three categories. Some are workout freaks who are desperately trying to keep the body they had in their twenties, some are men who don't care about such things and let their bodies go to hell, and the most common, like myself, men who try to keep their bellies a bit smaller than their father had at this age by avoiding the extreme impulse to eat that delicious third donut of the day whenever possible.

So, in an effort to determine if my couch surfing/sleeping workout regimen would suffice for my stated goal of not enlarging my gut, I scoured the internet for calorie burning figures. Actually, I Googled it and looked at a couple of the top results. They were at the top, so they must be good, right? The best part is, ehow.com did the work for me! It states that according to caloriesperhour.com, a 150 pound person walking on a non-inclined treadmill for one hour at 4 MPH will burn 272 calories. Big deal. Fitwatch.com says that the same 150 pound person burns 64 calories per hour sleeping. So if we multiply 64 calories by 4 hours of sleep, in other words, take a slightly long nap, you've burned 256 calories, just 16 short of that dangerous treadmill. Now, I don't know about you, but Mr. Snarky could definitely handle 3 workouts of 4-hour naps a week. Throw in the LA Times report that says you burn about 72 calories an hour sitting on the couch... Hell, I can do that all day, especially if baseball, football, basketball, hockey, golf, or Jeopardy is on. I guess I'll just have to sleep 12 hours a day, and sit on the couch for 20 or 30 hours a day, and I'll be losing weight like crazy! AND, I won't have to skip that 3rd donut anymore. Sweet!!!

Save a donut for me! Thanks.

Love, Mr. Snarky.

Mr. Snarky Achieves World Domination!!!

        It has been quite a while since my last post, but as you can see from the title of this one, I've been quite busy. For my loyal readers (you know who you are) I can offer this mostly sincere apology, courtesy of my tireless team of attorneys: The past few weeks have been a time of extreme personal growth for our client (heretofore known as Mr. Snarky) and his company. We at the Snarky foundation truly hope that none of the patrons of this site have suffered any trauma, injury, mental anguish or disease due to the lack of published material over this time. We sincerely hope that all of our tremendous followers have had a time of self-enlightenment and growth over this extremely difficult period. We hereby indemnify the aforementioned client, Mr. Snarky, from any and all remuneration and/or recompense for damages, loss of income and/or sanity. We publicly apologize while simultaneously admitting absolutely no negligence or criminal behavior. Thank you.

Whew! Glad that's out of the way. Now, you might be wondering, "How did Mr. Snarky achieve world domination? Wouldn't I have heard about it on the news?" To that I would say, "Uhh, well... I..." I hope that clears things up for you.

Okay, well... I have to say that I didn't achieve world domination in the classic Genghis Khan or Alexander the Great definition of the phrase. Probably not even in the Kim Kardashian or Bob Saget definition either. No, this was a bit more subtle, and probably nerdier than all but the last of the four world dominators I mention. The domination I have achieved is twofold. First, this blog that you are currently reading has been viewed in the U.S., Russia, Spain, Indonesia, Egypt and Qatar, among many others. In fact, the only continent we have not breached at this moment is South America, but I'm certain this is only a temporary setback. In fact, loyal readers, I must ask a favor. If you know someone in South America that you can forward a link to, please do it. It would turn Mr. Snarky into Mr. Happy. No, not THAT Mr. Happy. I can't believe you just went there. Pervs!

Part two of World domination is even a bit nerdier than blogging, if you can believe it. Even so, I'm kind of proud. Somewhere in our about me, or one of the early posts, Mrs. Snarky mentioned Sporcle. It's also in the sites we love links on our front page. Over the past few weeks, I have been on Sporcle quite often, memorizing the names and spelling of every country in the world. I can now type the names of all 196 countries, with an unlabeled map showing only their borders, in under 13 minutes. Is this nerdy? Yes. Yes it is. I don't care. I wanted to do it and now I have. I totally rule! Also, it will help me once I qualify for the Jeopardy senior tournament in 20 years or so. Now all I need to learn are all the rivers and cities and Shakespeare's plays and Civil War battles and stock symbols and inventors and kings and symphonies and poems and natural disasters and chemical element symbols and.... oh crap. Nevermind.

Love love love... Mr. Snarky {World Dominator}

It's the most wonderful time...

No, not really. Not when I'm forced to listen to the same ten songs over and over all day long. If my count was correct, today I heard the "immortal" Andy Williams 8 times. Two different songs, true, but I can't stand either one of them. Here's a line for you from Happy Holidays/It's the Holiday Season "It's the Holiday Season, so whoop-de-doo, and dickory dock." Nothing says Christmas like whoop-de-doo, right?

Anyway, I made it through the day with no small amount of mumbling and grumbling and now I am home in the "no cheesy Christmas music zone." Hearing these same songs all day made me wonder about some of the lyrics. Maybe someone could explain some of them to me.

More Andy Williams - It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: "There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long long ago!" Now I for one have never ever told or heard a ghost story on Christmas. Is this now, or has it ever been a tradition? And while we're at it, how often have you told tales of Christmas glory? Just wondering.

Bing Crosby/ Johnny Mathis - It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: "Take a look in the 5 and 10, glistening once again." I'm thinking this song needs an update. I do realize that when it was written, everyone knew what a 5 and 10 was. Now? Not so much.

Any number of fine artists - Winter Wonderland: "In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say are you married we'll say no man, but you can do the job when you're in town." Another song that could use a modern update. If you don't know what a Parson is, you might think that Parson Brown is a guy's name and he's gonna "do the job" of a husband on the girl doing the singing. A bit of a stretch, but still.

Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree: "Everyone dancing merrily in a new old-fashioned way. Does she mean that it's an old-fashioned way but with a new twist? Is it going to be old-fashioned at some point, although it is currently new? Was she just going for some ambiguity along the lines of "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Or, was she just going for something that sounded nice. Did she realize that she didn't even write this dumb song, and that it was a guy named Johnny Marks? I think she probably did. Did I realize this when I started typing, or did I just look it up on Google? Ehhhh... Could be.

And finally, Aaron Neville - Whatever Christmas song the lame radio station we had on today played. I plugged my ears. Does anyone out there actually like Aaron's... ummm... whatayacallem... stylings? You know, that part when his voice twinkles up and down like a pre-pubescent teenager. Yeah, that. Yesterday, a family member told me that he found someone who said she loves Aaron Neville, but I think he made it up. Aaron Neville's mother has told him that he shouldn't sing when he comes over because it upsets her cats. They prefer to listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks.

What could be better than Christmas songs AND Aaron Neville? Let's see... getting a tooth pulled, having a needle stuck in your neck, the Yankees winning the.... umm no. Scratch that last one.

Hope you're "Simply having a Wonderful Christmastime"

Love,

Mr. Snarky