It's the most wonderful time...

No, not really. Not when I'm forced to listen to the same ten songs over and over all day long. If my count was correct, today I heard the "immortal" Andy Williams 8 times. Two different songs, true, but I can't stand either one of them. Here's a line for you from Happy Holidays/It's the Holiday Season "It's the Holiday Season, so whoop-de-doo, and dickory dock." Nothing says Christmas like whoop-de-doo, right?

Anyway, I made it through the day with no small amount of mumbling and grumbling and now I am home in the "no cheesy Christmas music zone." Hearing these same songs all day made me wonder about some of the lyrics. Maybe someone could explain some of them to me.

More Andy Williams - It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: "There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long long ago!" Now I for one have never ever told or heard a ghost story on Christmas. Is this now, or has it ever been a tradition? And while we're at it, how often have you told tales of Christmas glory? Just wondering.

Bing Crosby/ Johnny Mathis - It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: "Take a look in the 5 and 10, glistening once again." I'm thinking this song needs an update. I do realize that when it was written, everyone knew what a 5 and 10 was. Now? Not so much.

Any number of fine artists - Winter Wonderland: "In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say are you married we'll say no man, but you can do the job when you're in town." Another song that could use a modern update. If you don't know what a Parson is, you might think that Parson Brown is a guy's name and he's gonna "do the job" of a husband on the girl doing the singing. A bit of a stretch, but still.

Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree: "Everyone dancing merrily in a new old-fashioned way. Does she mean that it's an old-fashioned way but with a new twist? Is it going to be old-fashioned at some point, although it is currently new? Was she just going for some ambiguity along the lines of "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Or, was she just going for something that sounded nice. Did she realize that she didn't even write this dumb song, and that it was a guy named Johnny Marks? I think she probably did. Did I realize this when I started typing, or did I just look it up on Google? Ehhhh... Could be.

And finally, Aaron Neville - Whatever Christmas song the lame radio station we had on today played. I plugged my ears. Does anyone out there actually like Aaron's... ummm... whatayacallem... stylings? You know, that part when his voice twinkles up and down like a pre-pubescent teenager. Yeah, that. Yesterday, a family member told me that he found someone who said she loves Aaron Neville, but I think he made it up. Aaron Neville's mother has told him that he shouldn't sing when he comes over because it upsets her cats. They prefer to listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks.

What could be better than Christmas songs AND Aaron Neville? Let's see... getting a tooth pulled, having a needle stuck in your neck, the Yankees winning the.... umm no. Scratch that last one.

Hope you're "Simply having a Wonderful Christmastime"

Love,

Mr. Snarky 

A Christmas Story?

A smiling mother plays Guitar Hero while her husband and son anxiously watch. The screen shows "Mom's Gift" as the song title. Slowly, recognition dawns on mom's face as she begins to recognize the song as the Lexus commercial jingle. "Does that mean what I think it means?" she asks. The excitement builds as they rush out to the driveway to see her shiny new Lexus with a bright red bow on top. They begin living happily ever after as the announcer tells us how we can all make it a December to remember... by buying our loved one a car for Christmas.

WHAT A CROCK OF HORSESHIT!

Seriously. Do you know anyone who can afford to spend 30 or 40 grand on a Christmas present? I personally know 1 or 2, but I'm pretty darned sure that they won't. What the hell is up with these commercials? To me, it seems like they want those of us who buy our wives a new robe or even a nice necklace to feel lousy that we can't afford to lavish extreme gifts upon our loved ones. This commercial makes the ones for 4000 dollar diamond rings seem cheap... and I can't afford one of those right now either. What a loser I must be.

AND THAT'S ANOTHER CROCK OF HORSESHIT!!

Sunday night, when Mrs. Snarky came home from her mother's (a trip she allowed me to skip since it was on my only day off of work and I was feeling pretty tired... thanks honey) I told her that after having watched football games, and the commercials that go along with them, that I'd been convinced that if I really truly loved her, I'd buy her diamonds for Christmas and if she loved me, she'd get me a Lexus. Well, you know what that is?

ANOTHER BIG FAT CROCK OF HORSESHIT!!!

No more swearing. Sorry. Seriously though, I am sick and tired of TV and radio trying to make us all into consuming monsters. Gotta have the I-phone... no wait, there's a new droid out that's better. Oh yeah? Well I-phone 17 is out and it's WAY better than I-phone 16 which is "SO thirty seconds ago!" That phone runs at 17 thousand G , whatever the hell that means. And you gotta have a TV big enough that if you keep your curtains open during Wheel of Fortune, the neighbor sitting on her front porch across the street can solve the Bonus Round puzzle. Well you know what that is?

That's right. It is. And this year, I don't even care that my neighbor has a bigger TV and a nicer house and car and better stuff than I do. Want to know why? I'll tell you. Because I have the coolest, snarkiest, funniest, nicest, best family in the whole world.

I WIN!!

Lots of Christmas love! God Bless us every one!

Mr. Snarky

A Snarky Christmas

     With all that our daughter is going through right now I feel bad for being a Christmas FREAK!   As you have probably ascertained, this is Mrs. Snarky, not Mr. Ba-humbug Snarky.

I've been pondering today a way to help her not hate Christmas this year.  I could call her up and sing a song to her every morning before she heads to work, but I'm fairly sure she'd get sick of  "Jingle Bells" pretty fast if I do that.  I could remind her constantly that this is a season of celebration, of loving one another and being kind to each other.... however, I am also sure that she will just laugh in my face over that one.

Then, I came up with this GREAT idea.  Well, I didn't come up with it... I borrowed it from the family of our daughter's best friend.  Every day this month, I could give her a small gift.  A candle, a candybar, a card, a handwritten note, a scarf, a poem I've written for her.... you know, that kind of thing.  Nothing expensive or extravagant.... but something that would let her know that I am here, I love her, and here, have some stuff you probably don't need.

I kind of like that tradition a lot.  In fact, I wish my whole family did it.  I would love it if every day someone would put some thought into a little something to give me.  I would completely love to do that for someone else.  What a thoughtful and mindful way to think of the people you love.  I don't mean going out to buy them something, and making it a burden on yourself or something you dread doing.  Maybe one shopping trip, spend $20 on a few cute, fun or sweet items, spend an evening writing up some special "love" notes for them, maybe a list of all the things you like about that person.... and then randomly presenting them throughout the month.  I want a holiday do over!!!!  Why did my parents not teach me that when I was younger?

Oh yea, because my parents were busy just loving me, raising me, working, caring for my needs and trying to put together a special Christmas morning for myself and my siblings by making, creating, crafting and sewing things along with the store bought items to be laid under the tree on Christmas morning.

Oh.

Oh well.  That tradition kind of sucks anyway considering that the mother of the family left her husband for a high school sweetheart, their oldest daughter moved away and no longer talks to the family and the son is now in jail for all kinds of little crimes.

I'll stick with our family tradition of dancing around the tree on Christmas morning and wadding up the wrapping paper to have a paper throwing fight when the gifts are all opened.  That should keep our family together and strong in the years to come.

Excuse me, I have to hug my daughter and tell her I love her.

Merry Christmas! Mrs. Snarky