You may have noticed that Mr. Snarky hasn't been around lately. At least, I hope you've noticed. That is about to change. I could make up a whole bunch of excuses as to why I haven't written anything here in so long, but instead, let me just say that I've been working with Mrs. Snarky on a very exciting project lately. No, we haven't been working on it every spare moment since last February, so I could've been writing here too... I just didn't. I am truly sorry if you've missed the blog and I will do my best to post regularly once again. Enough about that. Let's get to the point, shall we?
And that point is.... IDIOTS ARE EVERYWHERE!!! I hope you've noticed that too. Mr. Snarky really hates politics... especially partisan politics. I choose to try to keep my major political beliefs to myself because I can't stand the back and forth bickering that goes with that. BUT (<--- and that's a very big but) in this election cycle, the idiots are on both sides. Therefore, I am choosing to call out one idiot from each side of the aisle. Call it "fair and balanced" if you will. Also, there is one amazingly stupid player from Major League Baseball who is particularly worthy of our scorn.
So, in no particular order, here are my three idiots of the week:
IDIOT A: Vice President, Joe Biden (Democrat). In Virginia on a campaign stop, Biden addressed a crowd that was of mixed races. There was a fairly high percentage of blacks attending the rally. Joe, truly in rare form, stated that if Romney and Ryan win, "...they're gonna put y'all back in chains." Really Joe, was that necessary? Why didn't you insult their mothers too? Could you maybe tell some jokes about watermelon and black-eyed peas next time? You know, black people have come a long way, and while I almost understand the point you were trying to make, you really stepped all over some of the constituents who came to hear you speak. It's kind of crazy considering you were chosen for your job by the country's first black president. Do me a favor Joe. Think before you speak, okay?
IDIOT B: Missouri Senatorial candidate, Todd Akin (Republican). When asked if he supported abortions for victims of rape, Akin spouted this jewel: "It seems to me first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." Well, Mr. Akin, IT SEEMS TO ME that you don't have a fucking clue about THAT WHOLE THING at all do you? And, to borrow your words a third time, FIRST OF ALL what is a "legitimate rape?" Are you actually telling me that a woman can decide to stop herself from getting pregnant? What if she's drugged, and then raped? Would her subconscious mind stop the egg from being fertilized even if she's knocked out with date rape drug? I don't think so you moron. Women have come a long way, and while I almost understand where you were coming from you really crapped all over an unfortunately high number of your constituents who have been victims of rape. Do me a favor Todd. Think before you speak, okay?
IDIOT C: San Francisco Giant and 2012 MLB All-Star game MVP, Melky Cabrera (Idioticratican). While having the best season of his career, in a "shocking development," Mr. Cabrera tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone and was suspended for 50 games. Enough to call him an idiot? Maybe, maybe not. Is that all? Oh no, that is definitely NOT all. No, Cabrera decided that he was going to get around the system by creating a phony website for a phony supplement that could trigger a false positive for... you guessed it... elevated testosterone. He would then appeal the suspension and act like he was the victim of said supplement. Really Melky? Seriously? Let's just assume for a second that MLB fell for your little ruse. What then? Would you have had to hire chemists to create a supplement that would actually falsely raise your testosterone levels for the test while not actually raising your levels? Well, after that you'd probably have to buy a factory to create the supplement in order to submit it to MLB in order to prove your innocence of the charges. Good luck with that. You should feel lucky that the MLB knows just about every supplement on the market and was quickly wise to you. You sir, are a true moron. Do me a favor Melky. Think before you make up a lie to try to cover up your cheating next time, okay?
Another last thing: An appropriate movie quote.
Stanley: I bet you're great at chess.
Conrad: I would be if I could remember how all the pieces moved.
Thanks for reading.
Love, Mr. Snarky